All Jokes - Alphabetically
On the Job
You Know You Live in Milpitas When...
- You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
- You see nothing but expensive cars because of <above>.
- You have more bandwidth in your apartment or condo than most
- Your commute time is 45 minutes and you live 8 miles from
- You see a billboard that says "FGPA2ASIC" and aren't
- You stop asking how much things cost and start asking "How
long will it take?"
- The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
- You don't understand how the carpool lanes work because you
normally don't commute during those hours.
- You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a
conversation in English.
- Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring,
and is named Breeze.
- You know that "PARC" isn't some place to walk your
- You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm
- You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans
are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
- You know the name of the manager of every coffee house in
- You know vast and subtle differences between Thai, Vietnamese,
Chinese, Japanese, Cantonese, and Korean food.
- You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
- A really great parking space can move you to tears.
- A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
- Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the
- When you need the updated Diamond Monster 3D drivers, you
just walk across the street.
- Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
- It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station
about "The Storm Watch!"
- You can no longer run the air conditioner because the gas
and electric bills are 3 times higher than anywhere else in the
- You scan yard sales for back issues of "Dr. Dobbs."
- You were born somewhere else.
- Your favorite computer reseller speaks only Cantonese.
- Your workplace vending machines dispense "100% natural
twig-bars" right next to Jolt cola and Instant Espresso
- You know how to eat an artichoke.
- The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
- No one brings radios into work - they just use RealAudio
and listen to thedj.com, rebelradio.com, or other out-of-state
- Your car has bulletproof windows.
- You /lost/never had/don't know how to set/ the alarm clock.
You'll just get to work when you get there.
- Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
- Your mouse has only one ball.
- Your home computer contains mostly hardware/software that
isn't on the consumer market yet.
- You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
- You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing
- You drive to your neighborhood block party.
- You go to "The City" on weekends but don't live
there because you like your car.
- You think that "I'm going to Fry's Electronics"
is an acceptable excuse to leave the office for a while. And
your boss does too.
- You know it's Christmas Day because the parking lots at the
electronics companies are only half full.
- You go to an industrial-heavy-metal bar and see two guys
get into a fight over what flavor of UNIX is better.
- Your family tree contains significant others.
- You have completely forgotten how to write longhand.
- Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
- Your dog died of inattention.
- So did your cat.
- You spend more time checking the value of your stock options
than you do at the gym, but you're still paying $25 monthly for
a membership to a place you haven't visited in 18 months.
- You have no idea your apartment/house is really dirty because
you haven't seen it during daylight hours in over two years.
- You have to think twice before you realize that "beta
blocker" is a medical term, not some new exotic software.
- You've replaced your box of floppies with a box of Zip disks,
but that's just until you get your box of Jaz disks.
- You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
- More than clothes come out of the closets.
- When "the Dead" are best live.
- You go to the movies and EVERYBODY claps along with the SciFi
- You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
- Your kids grew up and went to college but you're palm-top
still has a standing notation to drop by Toys 'R' Us to pick
up a dozen packs of disposable diapers, but they're always closed
when you finally get there.
- You meet a friend for lunch and the first topic is where
they are working now.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
- More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
- Smoking in your office is not optional.
- You entice prospective employees to join your company by
bragging about the speed of your internet connection.
- You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and
a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
- You own more than 10 articles of clothing that have hardware
and/or software companies printed on them. (Bonus for embroidered
- When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do
- You know where Woz Way, Resistor Ave, Infinite Loop and Floppy
Drive are located.
- You know where Woz is.
- You think Steve Jobs is a "hunk."
- Even though Microsoft employs quite a few programmers in
the Bay Area, they only work on PowerPoint, and the company is
still the embodiment of Satan. (Even if their stock IS worth
more than yours.)
- Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
- Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
- You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub
- If it weren't for Trader Joe's frozen meals, you'd starve
- You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
- A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
- You really meant to change the oil in your car 50,000 miles
- You know Hwy 280 North runs west, and Hwy 680 North runs
- When all highways into the state say "No fruits!"
- All highways out of the state say "Go back!"