Milpitas Mom's Favorite Jokes

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You Know You Live in Milpitas When...

  1. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
  2. You see nothing but expensive cars because of <above>.
  3. You have more bandwidth in your apartment or condo than most major universities.
  4. Your commute time is 45 minutes and you live 8 miles from work.
  5. You see a billboard that says "FGPA2ASIC" and aren't fazed.
  6. You stop asking how much things cost and start asking "How long will it take?"
  7. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
  8. You don't understand how the carpool lanes work because you normally don't commute during those hours.
  9. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
  10. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
  11. You know that "PARC" isn't some place to walk your dog.
  12. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
  13. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
  14. You know the name of the manager of every coffee house in Silicon Valley.
  15. You know vast and subtle differences between Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Cantonese, and Korean food.
  16. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
  17. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
  18. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
  19. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
  20. When you need the updated Diamond Monster 3D drivers, you just walk across the street.
  21. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
  22. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "The Storm Watch!"
  23. You can no longer run the air conditioner because the gas and electric bills are 3 times higher than anywhere else in the country!
  24. You scan yard sales for back issues of "Dr. Dobbs."
  25. You were born somewhere else.
  26. Your favorite computer reseller speaks only Cantonese.
  27. Your workplace vending machines dispense "100% natural twig-bars" right next to Jolt cola and Instant Espresso mix.
  28. You know how to eat an artichoke.
  29. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
  30. No one brings radios into work - they just use RealAudio and listen to,, or other out-of-state stations.
  31. Your car has bulletproof windows.
  32. You /lost/never had/don't know how to set/ the alarm clock. You'll just get to work when you get there.
  33. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
  34. Your mouse has only one ball.
  35. Your home computer contains mostly hardware/software that isn't on the consumer market yet.
  36. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
  37. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
  38. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
  39. You go to "The City" on weekends but don't live there because you like your car.
  40. You think that "I'm going to Fry's Electronics" is an acceptable excuse to leave the office for a while. And your boss does too.
  41. You know it's Christmas Day because the parking lots at the electronics companies are only half full.
  42. You go to an industrial-heavy-metal bar and see two guys get into a fight over what flavor of UNIX is better.
  43. Your family tree contains significant others.
  44. You have completely forgotten how to write longhand.
  45. Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
  46. Your dog died of inattention.
  47. So did your cat.
  48. You spend more time checking the value of your stock options than you do at the gym, but you're still paying $25 monthly for a membership to a place you haven't visited in 18 months.
  49. You have no idea your apartment/house is really dirty because you haven't seen it during daylight hours in over two years.
  50. You have to think twice before you realize that "beta blocker" is a medical term, not some new exotic software.
  51. You've replaced your box of floppies with a box of Zip disks, but that's just until you get your box of Jaz disks.
  52. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
  53. More than clothes come out of the closets.
  54. When "the Dead" are best live.
  55. You go to the movies and EVERYBODY claps along with the SciFi theme music.
  56. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
  57. Your kids grew up and went to college but you're palm-top still has a standing notation to drop by Toys 'R' Us to pick up a dozen packs of disposable diapers, but they're always closed when you finally get there.
  58. You meet a friend for lunch and the first topic is where they are working now.
  59. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
  60. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
  61. Smoking in your office is not optional.
  62. You entice prospective employees to join your company by bragging about the speed of your internet connection.
  63. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
  64. You own more than 10 articles of clothing that have hardware and/or software companies printed on them. (Bonus for embroidered stuff.)
  65. When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch."
  66. You know where Woz Way, Resistor Ave, Infinite Loop and Floppy Drive are located.
  67. You know where Woz is.
  68. You think Steve Jobs is a "hunk."
  69. Even though Microsoft employs quite a few programmers in the Bay Area, they only work on PowerPoint, and the company is still the embodiment of Satan. (Even if their stock IS worth more than yours.)
  70. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
  71. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
  72. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman.
  73. If it weren't for Trader Joe's frozen meals, you'd starve to death.
  74. You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
  75. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
  76. You really meant to change the oil in your car 50,000 miles ago.
  77. You know Hwy 280 North runs west, and Hwy 680 North runs East.
  78. When all highways into the state say "No fruits!"
  79. All highways out of the state say "Go back!"