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Tag: <span>Men Jokes</span>

Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorites

My favorite jokes found online over the years. Some jokes given a Milpitas twist.

Jokes By Topic

Alphabetical List

Advice For Married Women: Then and Now
Just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you’d like to eat and at what time.

The Addition Game – Will Muppet Win Trip to Milpitas?
Video: If Muppet Harry Monster correctly guesses what 3+1 is, he will win a trip to Milpitas, California.
Education Jokes, Milpitas Jokes

AI Tax Preparer Program
Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program.

All the Urban Legends Rolled Into One
No need to read all those other urban legends, etc. ever again. Here they are, all in one.
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Apartment Hunting With A Large Family 
Father figures out how to get apartment even though he has a large family.

Are we there yet?
Dr. Fauci driving SUV with lots of kids yelling, “Are we there yet?” as approaching “Normal” lane marker.
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Are You Acting Too Much Like a Teacher?
Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

The Art Sold, but …
An artist asked the Yolette, curator at the Community Art and History Museums, if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

Bad Mistakes On Resumes
“Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”

Being A Parent
Being a parent is like being pecked to death by a duck.

Bernie @ Milpitas City Hall
Put Bernie at your place!
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Beware of Bears
The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Yosemite, Tahoe, and Northern Sierra areas.

Biggest Lies
Campaign financing has nothing to do with how I vote.

Breaking News Joke
Women age 30-59 are most likely to carry CORONOVIRUS without symptoms! The local spas and wineries are the designated local quarantine centers.

Buying Swimwear
I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume.
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Buzzword Bingo
My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.

Camping With Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip in the Sunol Regional Wilderness. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”

Catholic Litany In A Pinch
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in Milpitas. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

Christmas Carol Quiz
These are the names of well-known Christmas caroles, rewritten in PC (pretty convoluted). If you like puzzles, try to decipher them.
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Christmas Riddles 
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
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Christmas Riddles, Puns and Jokes 
Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit? They both drop their needles.
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Classes We’d Really Like To See Offered At the Community Center
Self-Improvement, Business/Career, Home Ec, Health & Fitness, Crafts

Computer Problem Report Form
Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.

Coronavirus Quarantine Travel Puns
*Oman*, I really can’t wait to *Rome* around. *Venice* this going to get over? You can’t say when this lockdown will be over, *Kenya*? This *Spain* is real.

Covid Advice for Geeks
COVID advice from Silicon Valley County Health Department, which has been sending out advice in many languages. Seems appropriate they also send it out in code!

Covid-19 BINGO
Usual BINGO rules, with this exception: If any game player sees someone sneeze or cough without a mask and into the open air, the game is over, and the player with most boxes covered wins that round.

Covid-19 is making me crack up!
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

Cultural Differences Explained
This is to help my Asian American and Chicano friends better understand the differences among Anglo cultural groups.

Daily Affirmations to Avoid
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. Also, Affirmations for COVID-19 Anxiety.

Dating in the Time of Coronavirus
We went speed dating on Zoom and found love. You’ve seen the events announcements here for online speed dating, right? So here’s how it works for these singles.
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The Day the NASDAQ Died
A long, long week ago
I can still remember how the market used to make me smile…

Densa IQ Test
You’ve heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with IQ’s of 140 and above?

Determining the Height of a Tall Building
Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.

Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit 
“Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!”

Educator At An Accident
An educator uses her first aid training upon coming upon a bad car accident.

Educator Goes to Milpitas
A beautiful, blonde educator gets on an airplane and sits down in first class.

An Engineer Calculates Santa’s Trip
No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer.
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Equal Employment Opportunity
Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and MUST be bilingual.

Error Dialog Haiku
Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? Solon Magazine

Everyday Maxims
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Excellent Advice I’ve Learned From Watching Scary Movies 
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

Fire at the Semiconductor Plant 
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight.
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Fishermen Catch A Mermaid
Three Homeschool Dads go fishing, catch a mermaid and demand their IQ’s be increased.

Forgetful Poem
My forgetter’s getting better, But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but, To me, that is no joke.

Fruit Cake Recipe
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Put it down somewhere. Check the whiskey again.
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Fun Things To Do While Driving With Kids
Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.

God is Missing. We’re in Trouble! 
If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are  probably involved.
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Greatest Baseball Player in the World
A homeschooling boy was overheard talking to himself, baseball cap in place and toting ball and bat.

Hacker Barbie®
MATTEL announces the latest in their new line of Barbie® products.

Halloween Riddles
About a 100 Halloween Riddles to tickle your Funny Bone.
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High Tech Church Built in Milpitas
“A church with only one pew?” asked the vicar.

Highs and Lows of Wearing Face Masks
Due to the order to wear face masks, some humorous observations have been made.

Hills Meet Their Fate In Milpitas
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Silicon Valley, California; as it happens, in the Milpitas hills.

The History of Math Word Problems
Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Homespun Couple Visit Harvard President
The President of Harvard made a mistake by prejudging people and it cost him dearly.

Homework Policy
Long Term Assignments: These are given the night before they are due.
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Housework Training Courses Now Available For Men
Introduction to Common Household Objects I:
The Mop.
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How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

How Many Facebook Users Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in the Go Milpitas Facebook Group?
Online Life Jokes

How many HR Staff Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
One actual HR staff member to change the light bulb.

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

How Milpitans Do It
Finding Good Deals in Milpitas: Coke 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

How Poor We Really Are
One day a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were.

How to Pronounce This Place
MIL-pit-as; Mil-pit-ASS; Mil-PEET-us?

How We Know Santa’s Reindeer Are Female
Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
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HTML Song
You’ve got to code it in H T M L. (To the tune of “YMCA.”)

I Think Santa Claus is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it.
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I Will Survive, Coronavirus version for teachers going online by Michael Bruening
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to zoom, I know I’ll be alive
My students still will learn
And my paychecks I will earn and I’ll survive…

In Memory of Those Who Died in the Service
One Sunday morning, the pastor, Ole, noticed little Andy was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
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In My Next Life I Want To Be A Bear
If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Installing Love
Steps to becoming a loving person described in terms of installing a computer program on a PC.

An Interview with Santa’s Lawyer
Please state your name and occupation. My name is Marta Pittman, and I’m a partner at the Law Office of Garry Barbadillo.

Is everyone ok?
Everyone check on your friends. We have a rider down.
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Kids Talk About God & Their Mother 
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We’re related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

Kurt Vonnegut’s Commencement Address At MIT
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’97: Wear sunscreen.

The Last Page of the Internet
Thank you for visiting the End of the Internet. There are no more links.

Legoland Discovery Center at Great Mall Reopening
Covid-19 Updates regarding the Lego Discovery Center at the Great Mall in Milpitas.

Letter From A Scout
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.

Letter From Santa
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced.
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Licking Is Totally the Same as Hand-washing, Right?
Me: Did you wash your hands? 4-year-old: No. Me: Why are your hands wet?
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Litter Problem Solved
A few years ago, the City of Milpitas had a litter problem.

Look, I don’t come into your home office and tell you to get out of the tub!
Visual cartoon.
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Man Prays to Swap Life With His Wife
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home, so he prayed.
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Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
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Maxims of Old Age
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it. I run like the winded.
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Maxims to Share
Maxims like: When you ask me what I’m doing today, and I say “Nothing,” it does not mean I’m free. It means I’m doing nothing.
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Milk With A Little Coffee In It
Customer: I’d like a milk with some coffee in it.
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Milpitan Vacations In Rome
A Milpitan walked in to The Park Victoria Barber Shop for his regular haircut.

Milpitas Cowboy’s Guide to Life
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
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Milpitas High School Teacher Arrested at San Jose Airport
A Milpitas high school teacher was arrested today at Norman Y. Mineta San Jose International Airport as he attempted to board a flight…
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Milpitas Role in Telecom History
Silva has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Milpitas had already gone wireless.
Computing Jokes

Mom Song Mom’s Song and Teen’s Answer
What a mom says in 24 hours, condensed into 2 minutes and 55 seconds. Sung to the William Tell Overture, by Anita Renfroe.

The Mommy Test
How do mommys know all those things?

Mother’s Dictionary
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Mr. Nobody
I know a funny little man, as quiet as a mouse, who does the mischief that is done in everybody’s house!

Mustard
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

Naked Truth about Covid-19 and Sheltering in Place
So we’re into our 5th month of defeating COVID-19. These words made me laugh but there’s a lot of truth mixed in to consider. . .

Neil Diamond vs CDC on Hands, Touching Hands
Neil Diamond: Hands,
CDC: Yes, wash them for at least 20 seconds.
Neil Diamond: touching hands,
CDC: No! Please don’t touch hands!
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Next “Survivor” Show
6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids for 6 weeks.
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New Vocabulary Words
Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Night Before Christmas for Mom
T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode,
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.

No Cookies, No Candy, No Gum 
Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.
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Official Market Forecast
Sales and income figures show an easing up of the rate at which business is easing off.

An Old Man Asks to Talk to President Trump
“I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer President…”

Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died
… so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one.

On the Revelation of William Bennett’s Gambling Habit
Bill Bennett told a grateful nation,
‘Be moral. Just resist temptation.’

Other People
Have you ever thought any of these statement ever applied to “other people” who were not like you?
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Original Trojan Horse Warning
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra–it looks legit.
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The Origin Of The Internet
And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
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Painting the Porch
“How would you like to paint the porch?”
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A Pastor entered his donkey in a race
…and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
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Philosophy of Life
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
Philosophical Jokes

Pie Throwing Trend in Milpitas
“… java virtual machine …” – WHAM – call the dry cleaners.
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Planning the Company Holiday Party 
I’m happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue.
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Pledge of Allegiance
A child’s version of the Pledge, and a link to a site about safety around fireworks.
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Proverbs: Kids’ Versions
Better Be Safe Than . . . Punch A 5th Grader.
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Put on your groaning face…. More puns.
More puns-A pun has not completely matured until it is full groan. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
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Puttin’ on the Hitz
Have you seen the well to do? Up and down Calaveras Avenue?
On that famous thoroughfare, With their noses in the air?

Quarantine Insights One-liners
Whose idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.

A Recap of the First Three Weeks with Covid-19
AMERICA: Oh my god! Coronavirus! What should we do?
CALIFORNIA: Shut down your state.
AMERICA: Wait… what? Why?
CALIFORNIA: Because 40 million people live here and we did it early, and it’s working.
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Recipe For Doing the Family Wash 
Written in its original spelling for a bride a few generations ago.

Relative Importance in 2020 So Far
The most accurate graph I’ve seen during this pandemic!

Retirement Through the Eyes of a Child
After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following…
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The Ring Bearer
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.

A Round Tuit
Are you always saying you’ll get around to it? Well, here’s a *round tuit* for you.

Rudolf, The Red
An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
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Samuel Goldwyn’s Silly Quotations
“An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”

Santa’s Prayer
The sleigh was all packed, the reindeer were fed,
But Santa still knelt by the side of the bed.
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Santa’s Workshop Bought By Bill Gates – 2020 Version
‘Twas the night before Christmas, When all through the house
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
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Science Explained By Children 
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.
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Seven Wonders of the World
A group of Geography students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World.

Short History of Medicine
I have an earache: 2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Java
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

Silly Quotations: Samuel Goldwyn
“An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”

Siren Sounds
Shoe thief tries to exchange the uncomfortable shoes at Mervyns, and more incredible crimes.

Stop complaining! You need to keep it on.
2019 Stop complaining! You need to keep it on. It’s for your own good. 2020 Dog grins at master wearing face mask.
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Taking a Load of Penguins to the Zoo
Penguins get a lift to the zoo. (Links about penguins and places to see them.)

Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter 
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

There Are No Fish Under The Ice!
A blonde woman notices the popularity of ice fishing in Milpitas, and decides to try it for herself.

This Sound Like City Council?
“When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, …”

Thoughts for the Day
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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The turkey shot out of the oven
The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air, it knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.
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Top 21 Signs That You Work in Milpitas
Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Milpitas Jokes, On the Job Jokes

20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
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US Standard Railroad Gauge
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 ft 8 1/2 in (1.44 m). That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Value of Time
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who has failed his exam.

Wacky Warnings & Instructions
On a package of bread-pudding mix: Product will be hot after heating.

Ways to Confuse Trick-or-Treaters in Milpitas
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs.
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Ways to Really Annoy Telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along
Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’, From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’, I’m happy although my boss let me go Happily addicted to the Web.
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Were you a kid in the Fifties or so?
Everybody makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids snicker. Twenty-something’s shudder and say “Eeeew!” But was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for yourself.
Philosophical Jokes

What Does The Frog Say?
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
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When Riding a Dead Horse
When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
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Where Do Pets Come From?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer: “Where do pets come from?”
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Where’s Waldo? Social Distancing Edition
When I saw the cartoon today, it made me think of how the things we took for granted as a child back then are no longer considered “SAFE.”
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William Shakespeare Gets His Covid Vaccine
William Shakespeare becomes the 2nd person to receive the Pfizer-BioNTech #COVID19 vaccine (outside of a trial) in Coventry, England; jokes start.
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You Know You Live in Milpitas When…
You make $120,000 a year, but can’t find a place to live.
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You Might Teach At Middle School If…
You can converse in middle schoolese. You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt licks. You have no life from August through June.
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Housework Training Courses Now Available For Men

Introduction to Common Household Objects I:
The Mop

Introduction to Common Household Objects II:
The Sponge

Dressing Up:
Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

Refrigerator Forensics:
Identifying and Removing the Dead

Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?:
You CAN Tell the Difference!

Accepting Loss -I:
If It’s Empty, You Can Throw It Away

Accepting Loss -II:
If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won’t Bring It Back

Going to the Supermarket:
It’s Not Just for Women Anymore!

Recycling Skills I:
Boxes that the Electronics Came In

Recycling Skills II:
Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In

Bathroom Etiquette I:
How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

Bathroom Etiquette II:
Let’s Wash Those Towels!

Bathroom Etiquette III:
Five Easy Ways to Tell When You’re About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

Giving Back to the Community:
How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill

Retro? Or Just Hideous?:
Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

No, The Dishes Won’t Wash Themselves:
Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware

Romance:
More Than a Cable Channel!

Strange But True!:
She Really May NOT Care What “Fourth Down and Ten” Means

Going Out to Dinner:
Beyond the Pizza Hut

Expand Your Entertainment Options:
Selecting movies that don’t star John Wayne or Clint Eastwood on TV

Yours, Mine, and Ours:
Sharing the Remote

“I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!”:
Why Women Laugh

Adventures in Housekeeping I:
Let’s Clean the Closet

Adventures in Housekeeping II:
Let’s Clean Under the Bed

“I Don’t Know“:
Be the First Man to Say It!

The Gas Gauge in Your Car:
Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

Directions:
It’s Okay to Ask for Them

Listening:
It’s Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

Accepting Your Limitations:
Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn’t Mean You Can Fix It

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Milpitas Mom’s’s 25 Worse Puns

25 of the Worse Puns I can think of right now…but wait! There are more!
How do you make a hot dog stand?
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I  left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Milpitas bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Even worse puns.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Painting the Porch

Daryll had been out of school for close to two years. Needless to say, he was getting pretty desperate for money. He decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhood up on the hill and look for odd jobs as a handyman.

Well, the first house he came to, a man answered the door and told Daryll, “Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?”

“Sure, that sounds great!” said Daryll.

“Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?” said the man.

“Is fifty bucks all right?” Daryll asked.

“Yeah, that’s great. You’ll find all the paint and ladders you’ll need in the garage.”

The man went back into his house to his wife, who had been listening.

“Fifty bucks! Does he know the porch goes all the way around the house?” asked the wife.

“Well he must, he was standing right on it!” her husband replied.

About 30 minutes later, Daryll knocked on the door. “I’m all finished,” he told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.

“You painted the whole porch?”

“Yeah,” Daryll replied, “I even had some paint left over, so I put on two coats!” The man reached into his wallet to pay Daryll.

“Oh, by the way,” said Daryll, “that is not a Porsche, it’s a Ferrari!”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Maxims of Old Age


1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Senior Center Information

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Next “Survivor” Show

Have you heard about the next planned “survivor” show?

6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays 2 sports and either takes music or dance classes and there is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned home clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to TV when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

There is only 1 TV between them and no remote.

The men must shave their legs and wear make-up daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making 4 lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings, clean up after their sick children at 3:00 AM, make an Indian hut model with 6 toothpicks, a tortilla, and 1 marker.

They must get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids get to vote them off based on performance.

The winner gets to go back to work.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

A Milpitas Cowboy’s Guide to Life

Animal Jokes

Roped Calf

Don’t squat with your spurs on.

Don’t interfere with something that ain’t botherin’ you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Cow girl roping

If it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, it probably ain’t.

It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Don’t worry about bitin’ off more’n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Generally, you ain’t learnin’ nothing when your mouth’s a-jawin’.

Tellin’ a man to git lost and makin’ him do it are two entirely different propositions.

If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there with ya.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back.

Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s sure crucial to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Don’t Squat With Yer Spurs on: A Cowboys Guide to Life
by Texas Bix Bender

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke

You Know You Live in Milpitas When…

Computing Jokes & Milpitas Jokes

  1. You make over $250,000 and still can’t afford a house.
  2. You see nothing but expensive cars because of <above>.
  3. You have more bandwidth in your apartment or condo than most major universities.
  4. Your commute time is 45 minutes and you live 8 miles from work.
  5. You see a billboard that says “FGPA2ASIC” and aren’t fazed.
  6. You stop asking how much things cost and start asking “How long will it take?”
  7. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
  8. You don’t understand how the FasTrak work because you normally don’t commute during those hours.
  9. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
  10. Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
  11. You know that “PARC” isn’t some place to walk your dog.
  12. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
  13. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
  14. You know the name of the manager of every coffee house in Silicon Valley.
  15. You know vast and subtle differences between Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Cantonese, and Korean food.
  16. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
  17. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
  18. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
  19. Gas cost $1.75 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
  20. When you need the updated Diamond Monster 3D drivers, you just walk across the street.
  21. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
  22. It’s sprinkling and there’s a report on every news station about “The Storm Watch!”
  23. You can no longer run the air conditioner because the gas and electric bills are 3 times higher than anywhere else in the country!
  24. You scan yard sales for back issues of “Dr. Dobbs.”
  25. You were born somewhere else.
  26. Your favorite computer reseller speaks only Cantonese.
  27. Your workplace vending machines dispense “100% natural twig-bars” right next to Jolt cola and Instant Espresso mix.
  28. You know how to eat an artichoke.
  29. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
  30. No one brings radios into work – they just use RealAudio and listen to thedj.com, rebelradio.com, or other out-of-state stations.
  31. Your car has bulletproof windows.
  32. You /lost/never had/don’t know how to set/ the alarm clock. You’ll just get to work when you get there.
  33. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
  34. Your mouse has only one ball.
  35. Your home computer contains mostly hardware/software that isn’t on the consumer market yet.
  36. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
  37. You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
  38. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
  39. You go to “The City” on weekends but don’t live there because you like your car.
  40. You think that “I’m going to Fry’s Electronics” is an acceptable excuse to leave the office for a while. And your boss does too.
  41. You know it’s Christmas Day because the parking lots at the electronics companies are only half full.
  42. You go to an industrial-heavy-metal bar and see two guys get into a fight over what flavor of UNIX is better.
  43. Your family tree contains significant others.
  44. You have completely forgotten how to write longhand.
  45. Your cat has it’s own psychiatrist.
  46. Your dog died of inattention.
  47. So did your cat.
  48. You spend more time checking the value of your stock options than you do at the gym, but you’re still paying $25 monthly for a membership to a place you haven’t visited in 18 months.
  49. You have no idea your apartment/house is really dirty because you haven’t seen it during daylight hours in over two years.
  50. You have to think twice before you realize that “beta blocker” is a medical term, not some new exotic software.
  51. You’ve replaced your box of floppies with a box of Zip disks, but that’s just until you get your box of Jaz disks.
  52. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
  53. More than clothes come out of the closets.
  54. When “the Dead” are best live.
  55. You go to the movies and EVERYBODY claps along with the SciFi theme music.
  56. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
  57. Your kids grew up and went to college but you’re palm-top still has a standing notation to drop by Toys ‘R’ Us to pick up a dozen packs of disposable diapers, but they’re always closed when you finally get there.
  58. You meet a friend for lunch and the first topic is where they are working now.
  59. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
  60. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
  61. Smoking in your office is not optional.
  62. You entice prospective employees to join your company by bragging about the speed of your internet connection.
  63. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
  64. You own more than 10 articles of clothing that have hardware and/or software companies printed on them. (Bonus for embroidered stuff.)
  65. When you can’t schedule a meeting because you must “do lunch.”
  66. You know where Woz Way, Resistor Ave, Infinite Loop and Floppy Drive are located.
  67. You know where Woz is.
  68. You think Steve Jobs is a “hunk.”
  69. Even though Microsoft employs quite a few programmers in the Bay Area, they only work on PowerPoint, and the company is still the embodiment of Satan. (Even if their stock IS worth more than yours.)
  70. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
  71. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
  72. You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman.
  73. If it weren’t for Trader Joe’s frozen meals, you’d starve to death.
  74. You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
  75. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
  76. You really meant to change the oil in your car 50,000 miles ago.
  77. You know Hwy 280 North runs west, and Hwy 680 North runs East.
  78. When all highways into the state say “No fruits!”
  79. All highways out of the state say “Go back!”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Apartment Hunting With A Large Family

A large family, with seven children, were moving to Milptias. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family.

After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery while he took the older three to find an apartment.

After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right.

Then the landlord asked the usual question: “How many children do you have?”

The father answered with a deep sigh, “Seven… but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery.”

He got the apartment!

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.