Milpitas Mom's Favorite Jokes
This story takes a little background; the names have been changed to protect the guilty. Ian works in a little coffee, chai, and sandwich place in Milpitas. Peter is his boss and the owner of the shop, and yes, this actually happened. Ian is telling the story.
A special presentation of the "Stupid Award" goes to this customer. Below is an approximate conversation with her.
Customer: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.
Ian: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk?
Customer: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.
Ian: Is there more milk or coffee?
Customer: Oh, definitely more coffee.
Ian: So that's a coffee with some extra milk.
Customer: Just the usual amount of milk.
Ian: A coffee with milk.
Ian: Anything else?
Customer: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?
Ian: We do have decaf.
Customer: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.
Ian: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.
Customer: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?
Ian: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.
Customer: Yes it does.
Ian: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?
Customer: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine.
Ian: Oh, you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?
Customer: Do you have any bagels?
Peter (who has been listening all along): I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels.
Customer: Oh, well, then I'll have one of those, with sesame seeds.
Peter: We're all out, ma'am.
Customer: Well what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)
Peter: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.
Customer: I guess I'll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards?
Ian: No ma'am, cash only.
Customer: What about visa?
Ian: Is that a credit card?
Customer: Well, yes.
Peter: Is it cash?
Peter: Then no, we can't take it.
Customer: What about checks?
Ian: Cash ma'am, nothing else.
Customer: O.K. How much is that?
Peter: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.
Peter: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it myself.
Customer: O.K.. (proceeds to write a check)
Peter: Please leave.
Peter: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.
Customer: But what about my coffee?
Peter: Leave and never return.
She leaves, but pays the $11.45, first ............ I'm serious.