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Milk With A Little Coffee In It

This story takes a little background; the names have been changed to protect the guilty. Ian works in a little coffee, chai, and sandwich place in Milpitas. Peter is his boss and the owner of the shop, and yes, this actually happened. Ian is telling the story.

A special presentation of the "Stupid Award" goes to this customer. Below is an approximate conversation with her.

Customer: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.

Ian: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk?

Customer: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.

Ian: Is there more milk or coffee?

Customer: Oh, definitely more coffee.

Ian: So that's a coffee with some extra milk.

Customer: Just the usual amount of milk.

Ian: A coffee with milk.

Customer: Yes.

Ian: Anything else?

Customer: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?

Ian: We do have decaf.

Customer: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.

Ian: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.

Customer: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?

Ian: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.

Customer: Yes it does.

Ian: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?

Customer: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine.

Ian: Oh, you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?

Customer: Do you have any bagels?

Peter (who has been listening all along): I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels.

Customer: Oh, well, then I'll have one of those, with sesame seeds.

Peter: We're all out, ma'am.

Customer: Well what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)

Peter: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.

Customer: I guess I'll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards?

Ian: No ma'am, cash only.

Customer: What about visa?

Ian: Is that a credit card?

Customer: Well, yes.

Peter: Is it cash?

Customer: No.

Peter: Then no, we can't take it.

Customer: What about checks?

Ian: Cash ma'am, nothing else.

Customer: O.K. How much is that?

Peter: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.

Customer: Really?

Peter: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it myself.

Customer: O.K.. (proceeds to write a check)

Peter: Please leave.

Customer: Why?

Peter: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.

Customer: But what about my coffee?

Peter: Leave and never return.

She leaves, but pays the $11.45, first ............ I'm serious.