Jokes

Litter Problem Solved

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

A few years ago, the City of Milpitas had a litter problem. A once-clean section of town had become an eyesore because people had stopped using the trash cans. There were cigarette butts, beer bottles, chocolate wrappers, newspapers and other trash littering the streets.

Obviously, the sanitation department was concerned, so they sought ways to clean up the city. One idea was to double the littering fine from 25 dollars to 50 dollars for each offense. They tried this, but it had little effect. Another approach was to increase the number of litter-agents who patrolled the area. This was more of the same, that is, another “punish the litterer” solution, and it, too, had little impact on the problem.

Then somebody asked the following question:

“What if our trash cans paid people money when they put their trash in? We could put an electronic sensing device on each can as well as a coin-return mechanism. Whenever a person put trash in the can, it would pay him $10.”

The idea, to say the least, whacked everyone’s thinking. The problem had been changed from a “punish the litterer” one to one of “reward the law abider.” The idea had one glaring fault, however; if the city implemented the idea, it would go bankrupt. Half of the United States would come to use the trash cans!

Fortunately, the people who were listening to this idea didn’t evaluate it based on its practical merits. Instead, they used it as a stepping stone and asked themselves: “What other ways are there in which we can reward people for putting their refuse in the trash cans?” This question lead to the following solution.

The sanitation department developed electronic trash cans which had a sensing unit on the top that would detect when a piece of refuse had been deposited. This would activate a tape-recorder that would play a recording of a joke. In other words, joke-telling trash cans! Different trash cans told different kinds of jokes (some told bad puns while others told shaggy dog stories and still others told snappy one-liners) and soon developed reputations. The jokes were changed every two weeks. As a result, people went out of their way to put their trash in the trash cans, and the town became clean once again.

Christmas Carol Quiz

Christmas Carole Quiz

These are the names of well-known Christmas caroles, rewritten in PC (pretty convoluted). If you like puzzles, try to decipher them. If not, just get a chuckle from matching up the translations! Place cursor over linked text and wait a second for the real title to appear. Or click on the hint, and a youtube will appear, playing the song. On an iPhone, click and hold on the linked lyrics, and you’ll just see the name of the real song. The songs aren’t random. They are my favorite recordings of these songs.

Example: Heavenly beings at extreme altitudes my associates and I perceived auditory stimulus emanating from.

Translation: “Angels we have heard on high”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Man Prays to Swap Life With His Wife

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke

Cartoon of Man Praying

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home educating their kids, so he prayed:

“Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.”

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a his wife, and she as him.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, fed them breakfast, homeschooled them in English and Math, put them all in the car and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay the bills and balance the check book.

He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Taught the kids Science and Social Studies.

At 3:30 p.m. he dropped one child off at a scout meeting, another at soccer practice and the third at piano lessons, then went home and set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 6:30 p.m. he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9:00 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”

The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine months, though…

……

You got pregnant last night.”

God is Missing. We’re in Trouble!

Religious Jokes

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are  excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents  know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are  probably involved. The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been  successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her  boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.  So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older  boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”

The boy’s  mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his  mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner  tone, “Where is God?!”

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is  God?!”

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home &  dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his  older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “what happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in  BIG trouble this time.”

“GOD is missing, and they think we did it!”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke

Siren Sounds-Police Blotter Humor

Milpitas Jokes

These are really true! From the Milpitas Post’s Police Blotter.

April 9, 1998

No Second Chances For Alleged Shoe Thief

After allegedly stealing a pair of shoes from Mervyn’s Department Store, a suspected thief wore them when he made a return visit to the store March 30 at 8:30 p.m.

According to officers, the suspect was not happy with the stolen shoes and exchanged them for a more comfortable pair. Security then stopped the man as he tried to walk out of the store without paying for the shoes.

Police arrested Mark Allen Cameron, 36, of Milpitas on suspicion of theft.

[I guess the suspect heard that Mervyn’s allegedly was really nice about making exchanges with no questions asked!]

Man Arrested for Distributing Nude Photo

A woman called police after she found a nude photograph of herself on her car. According to police reports, the woman said that her estranged husband had placed it there and was threatening to distribute the photos.

Police contacted the woman’s ex-husband and discovered he possessed the nude photos.

Officers arrested the 30-year-old man on March 30 at 11 p.m. on the 200 block of Fanyon Drive on suspicion of distributing obscene material. The suspect’s name has been withheld to protect the identity of the victim.

[I never much like the photographs my husband takes of me either.]

The Milpitas Post no longer includes the Police Blotter.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.