Fun Things To Do While Driving With Kids

Driving with kids getting you down? Try these to spice up your trip while on the road.

• Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
• Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
• At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
• Two words: Chicken suit.
• Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
• Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
• Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
• Stop at the green lights.
• Go at the red ones.
• Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
• Eat food that requires silverware.
• Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
• Sing without having the radio on.
• Honk frequently without motivation.
• Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
• Ask people for Grey Poupon.
• Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
• Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
• Restart your car at every stop light.
• Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
• Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
• While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
• Paint your car with occult symbols.
• Keep at least five cats in the car.
• Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
• Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
• Stop and collect roadkill.
• Stop and pray to roadkill.
• Throw Spam.
• Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.