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Tag: <span>Family Life Jokes</span>

Covid-19 is making me crack up!

Covid Jokes

Covid-19 is making me crack up!

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

Still haven’t decided where to go for Passover/Easter—– The Living Room or The Bedroom

Public Service Announcement: Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog….. we laughed a lot.

So, after this quarantine…..will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

I’m so excited — it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year”…. I’m offended.

Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under

Thanks for sharing : Originated by Sally O’Reilly by way of Rachel Sager

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Night Before Christmas for Mom

T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode,
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
While visions of iPads and Baby Sharks flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
With a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
Our homeschooling mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
Which made her sigh, “Now what’s the matter?”

With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
“Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I have to clean the rug.”

“Ho-ho-ho!” cried Santa, “I’m glad you’re awake.”
“Your gift was especially difficult to make.”
“Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone.”
“Exactly!” he chuckled, “I’ve made you a clone.”

“A clone?” she asked, “What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I’ve no time for chit-chat.”
The mother’s twin. Same hair, same eyes,
Same double chin. “She’ll cook! She’ll dust!”

Overworked Mother

“She’ll mop every mess! You’ll relax, take it easy!
Watch The Young & the Restless…” “Fantastic!” the mom cheered.
“My dream come true! I’ll shop. I’ll read,
I’ll sleep a whole night through!”

From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
“Mommy?! I scared… and I ‘m wet.”
The clone replied, “I’m coming, sweetheart.”
“Hey,” the mom smiled, “She knows her part!”

The clone changed the small one and hummed her a tune,
as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
“You’re the best mommy ever. I really love you.”
The clone smiled and sighed, “I love you, too.”

The mom frowned and said, “Sorry, Santa, no deal.”
That’s my child’s love she’s trying to steal.”
Smiling wisely Santa said, “To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here.”

The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
“Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget it won’t be very long,
When they’ll be too old for my cradle-song.”

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, “It works every time.”
With the clone by his side Santa said, “Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, Mom. You’ll be all right.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Being A Parent

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke about Family Life and Parenting

  1. Being a parent is like being pecked to death by a duck.
  2. Raising teenagers is a lot like nailing Jello to a tree.
  3. Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
  4. Your life’s “Golden Age” is the period in your life when your kids are too old to require a babysitter and too young to take the car.
  5. Shouting at your children to get cooperation is about the same as steering your car using the horn…same results.
  6. To be in your children’s memories tomorrow one must be in their life today.
  7. The best advice regarding raising your children is to really enjoy them while they are still on your side.
  8. A home’s temperature is best maintained by warm hearts, not cold words or hot heads.
  9. “The Joy of Motherhood”: What a woman experiences after she puts the last tyke to bed.
  10. Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so that he or she can tell when they are REALLY in trouble.
  11. Your children may outgrow your lap…but NEVER your heart.
  12. God gave you two ears and only one mouth, so that you may listen twice as much as you speak.
  13. The only true child experts are those that do not yet have any of their own.
  14. Cleaning house with the children at home is a lot like snowblowing during a blizzard.
  15. There are only two things that your child is absolutely willing to share: Communicable Diseases and their mother’s age.
  16. Remember this? “When you grow up and have children of your own, I hope that they are JUST LIKE YOU!” It worked.
  17. True genetics have nothing to do with hair and eye color. It’s their occurrence of such things as “Who said life was FAIR”, and Because I SAID so!” when you SWORE you’d never use those on your kids.
  18. Practice what you preach even covers never letting them see you snag those Ding Dongs for breakfast.
  • in Jokes

Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

A Milpitas Mom Favorite Joke

Rule One :

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two :

You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three :

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off.  Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during your date with my daughter, I will use my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely to your waist.

Rule Four :

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five :

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six :

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven :

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight :

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.  Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.  Places where there is darkness.  Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough for my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.  Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.  Hockey games are okay.  Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine :

Do not lie to me.  I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.  But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.  If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.  Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten :

Be afraid.  Be very afraid.  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi.  When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.  As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car–there is no need for you to come inside.  The camouflaged face watching you from the window is mine.