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How We Know Santa’s Reindeer Are Female
Animal Jokes According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring; therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer–every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen–had to be a girl. We should’ve known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.
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Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Cantabile Children’s Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded, miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint St. Elizabeth Catholic Church‘s ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows ’10. December 9 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect…
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Night Before Christmas for Mom
T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode, Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode. The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds, While visions of iPads and Baby Sharks flipped through their heads. The dad was snoring in front of the TV, With a half-constructed bicycle on his knee. Our homeschooling mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter, Which made her sigh, “Now what’s the matter?” With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand, She descended the stairs, and saw the old man. He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug. “Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I…
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I Think Santa Claus is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec.24th, when they (with amazing calm) call other errant men for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and…
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An Interview With Santa’s Lawyer
Please state your name and occupation. My name is Marta Pittman, and I’m a partner at the Law Office of Garry Barbadillo. And you’re Santa Claus’ lawyer. That is correct. More accurately, I’m the partner in charge of our firm’s Seasonal Litigation and Clearances practice, which has as a client Nicolas North LLC, Santa’s corporate entity. I wasn’t aware that Santa needed to have his own corporation. Of course he does. One, Santa heads a massive global enterprise, whose activities are spread over a wide range of areas. Having a corporate structure allows him a measure of organization and systematization. Two, Santa has a large number of employees, mostly elves,…
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An Engineer Calculates Santa’s Trip
Animal Jokes by Richard Waller, Spy magazine, January 1990. 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household,…
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Christmas Riddles
A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke. Place cursor over the riddle text and wait a second for the riddle answer to appear. Or turn your device upside down. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? What do you call people who are afraid of Santa? What is special about the Christmas alphabet? What do elves learn in school? If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit? What do you…
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Christmas Carol Quiz
These are the names of well-known Christmas caroles, rewritten in PC (pretty convoluted). If you like puzzles, try to decipher them. If not, just get a chuckle from matching up the translations! Place cursor over linked text and wait a second for the real title to appear. Or click on the hint, and a youtube will appear, playing the song. On an iPhone, click and hold on the linked lyrics, and you’ll just see the name of the real song. The songs aren’t random. They are my favorite recordings of these songs. Example: Heavenly beings at extreme altitudes my associates and I perceived auditory stimulus emanating from. Translation: “Angels we…
