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Letter from Santa
Santa’s Letter regarding restructuring at the North Pole Workshop. The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa’s market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for…
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How We Know Santa’s Reindeer Are Female
Animal Jokes According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring; therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer–every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen–had to be a girl. We should’ve known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.
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Halloween Riddles
About a 100 Halloween Riddles to tickle your Funny Bone. Ghost Riddles Why do ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo. Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos. What is in a ghost’s nose? Boo-gers. Why did the policeman ticket the ghost on Halloween? It didn’t have a haunting license. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend! What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO! What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert? I-Scream! Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? Because he has a Hallo-weenie. How do ghosts wash…
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Is everyone ok? Check on your friends
Everyone check on your friends. We have a rider down 😉 Happy October Public Safety is our Priority A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.
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Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Cantabile Children’s Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded, miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint St. Elizabeth Catholic Church‘s ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows ’10. December 9 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect…
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Night Before Christmas for Mom
T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode, Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode. The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds, While visions of iPads and Baby Sharks flipped through their heads. The dad was snoring in front of the TV, With a half-constructed bicycle on his knee. Our homeschooling mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter, Which made her sigh, “Now what’s the matter?” With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand, She descended the stairs, and saw the old man. He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug. “Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I…
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I Think Santa Claus is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec.24th, when they (with amazing calm) call other errant men for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and…
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An Engineer Calculates Santa’s Trip
Animal Jokes by Richard Waller, Spy magazine, January 1990. 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household,…
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20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.) Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it,”Top Secret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here!” Give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.”…
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Christmas Riddles
A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke. Place cursor over the riddle text and wait a second for the riddle answer to appear. Or turn your device upside down. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? What do you call people who are afraid of Santa? What is special about the Christmas alphabet? What do elves learn in school? If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit? What do you…
