Quarantine Insights One-liners
- Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken behind it didn’t know how to socially distance properly.
- Whose idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.
- My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
- Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
- My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day. But look at me now, ma! I’m saving the world!
- Today’s Weather: Room Temperature.
- Anyone else’s car getting three months to the tank?
- Never in my life would I imagine that my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth.
- After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
- If I keep stress-eating at this level, the buttons on my shirt will start socially distancing from each other.
- Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
- Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent. Then it Dawned on me.
- Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder
- I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch them with a six-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
- The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
- Since we’re all in quarantine I guess we’ll be making only inside jokes from now on.
- I’m not talking to myself, I’m having a parent-teacher conference.
- This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog–we laughed a lot.
- Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch.
- I finished Netflix today.
- Pollen still coming out during a global pandemic? Bitch read the room.
- – Knock knock. Who is there? Seriously, don’t touch my door and get back 6 meters to social distance.
- Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”