According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring; therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer–every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen–had to be a girl.
About a 100 Halloween Riddles to tickle your Funny Bone.
Ghost Riddles
Why do ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos.
What is in a ghost’s nose? Boo-gers.
Why did the policeman ticket the ghost on Halloween? It didn’t have a haunting license.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend!
What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!
What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert? I-Scream!
Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
How do ghosts wash their hair? With shamboo.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
What room does a ghost not need? A living room.
What position does a ghost play in hockey? Ghoulie.
What kinds of pants do ghosts wear? Boo-jeans.
What instrument does a skeleton play? The trombone.
Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers!
What is a ghost’s nose full of? Boooooogers!
What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurred? Spooktacles.
Who did the scary ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up!
Where do ghosts go on holidays? The Boohamas.
What did one ghost recommend to the other? Get a life!
Where do fashionable ghosts shop? Bootiques.
Where do ghosts like to travel on vacation? The Dead Sea!
What do skeletons fly around in? A scareplane or a skelecopter.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? Don’t cry! I didn’t mean to scare you.
Why are ghosts so bad at telling lies? Because you can see right through them.
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost as they drove down the street? Buckle your sheet belt!
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us.
Why do ghosts hate when it rains on Halloween? It dampens their spirits.
Why do ghosts make the best cheerleaders? Because they have spirit.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.
Why do ghosts love going to Six Flaggs? Because they can ride lots of roller-GHOST-ers.
What is a ghost’s favourite meal? Spook-ghetti.
What do female ghosts use to do their makeup? Vanishing Cream!
Ghouls’ & Monsters’ Riddles
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
What do demons eat for breakfast? Deviled eggs.
What’s the best way to get rid of a demon? Exorcise a lot.
What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.
What’s a ghoul’s favourite bean? A human bean.
Why did the headless horseman go into business? He wanted to get ahead in life.
What monster plays tricks on Halloween? Prank-enstein!
Why does Frankenstein’s Monster always finish his dinner first? Because he bolts it down.
What’s big, scary and has three wheels? A monster riding a tricycle!
What goes “Ha-ha-ha-ha!” right before a gigantic sounding crash and then keeps laughing? A monster laughing it’s head off!
Who do monsters buy cookies from? Ghoul scouts.
What kind of monster is the best dancer? The boogieman.
How do monsters like their eggs? Terror-fried.
What do you call female bullies? Mean ghouls.
How does a race between ghouls begin? Ready, set,… ghoul!
Graveyard Riddles
Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story? Because there are so many plots there!
Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin.
Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin.
What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A grave problem.
Have you heard how popular the local cemetery is? People are just dying to get in.
Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.
The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. What is it? A coffin.
What do you give a vampire when he’s sick? Coffin-drops.
Where is the best place to party on Halloween? The g-RAVE-yard.
What is a recess at a mortuary called? A Coffin Break!
How do you get inside a locked cemetery at night? Use a Skeleton Key to unlock the gates!
Did you hear about the chopper that crashed in the cemetery? Search and rescue workers have recovered 100 bodies and expect that number to climb as digging continues.
Halloween Riddles
What type of plants do well on all Hallow’s Eve? Bam-BOO!
When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat? If you are a mouse.
What time is it when the clock strikes 13? Time to get a new clock.
How do ghosts search the Web? They use ghoul-gle.
Why didn’t the coffee bean go to the Halloween party? Because it was grounded.
Why are all of Superman’s costumes tight? They’re all size S.
Haunted House Riddles
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? The house was repossessed.
What goes around a haunted house and never stops? A fence.
How does a vampire enter his house? Through the bat flap!
What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A grave problem.
What do you call a chicken that haunts your house? A poultrygeist.
Mummy Riddles
Why don’t mummies take time off? They’re afraid to unwind.
What kind of music do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music.
Why don’t mummies have friends? Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.
Why did the baby wrap itself in white cloth strips? It was just trying to be just like its mummy.
Pumpkin Riddles
Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road safely? The crossing gourd.
How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? A pumpkin patch.
What does a pumpkin like to read? Pulp fiction.
What do you call a fat pumpkin? A plumpkin.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles? Because they just had their brains scooped out!
Skeleton Riddles
Why do skeletons have low self-esteem? They have no body to love.
Know why skeletons are so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call a cleaning skeleton? The grim sweeper.
What do skeletons order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to school? His heart wasn’t in it.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no “body” to dance with.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have the guts.
The skeleton couldn’t help being afraid of the storm—he just didn’t have any guts.
The skeleton didn’t mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree? Because a dog was after his bones!
What’s a skeleton’s favorite instrument? A sax-a-bone.
The skeleton canceled the gallery showing of his skull-ptures because his heart wasn’t in it.
What type of plates do skeletons like to use? Bone china.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees? They’re LUMBARjacks!
The skeleton decided to bone up on the facts for the big exam.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body.
Every Sunday, the skeleton plays his organ for the congregation.
The favored historical ruler of skeletons is none other than Napoleon Bone-a-part.
The skeleton knew what would happen next—he could just feel it in his bones.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn’t have one.
I wanted to tell a skeleton pun, but I don’t have the guts for it.
When is a skeleton joke bad? When you don’t find it humerus.
Trick or Treat Riddles
What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween? Candy corneas.
What did the little boy say when she had to choose between a tricycle and candy? Trike or Treat!
What candy do you eat on the playground? Recess pieces.
What do birds say on Halloween? Twick or Tweet!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Phillip! Phillip who? Phillip my bag with Halloween candy, please!
What did the fisherman say on Halloween? Trick or trout.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Howl! Howl who? Howl you know unless you open the door!
Where do ghosts like to trick-or-treat? Dead ends.
Knock, Knock… Who’s there? Ben! Ben who? Ben waiting to get candy all day!
What did the girl horse dress up as for Halloween? A night mare.
What Halloween candy should you give trick-or-treaters if you want them to think you’re rich? A 100 grand candy bar
Vampire Riddles
What did the snowman and the vampire name their baby? Frostbite.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
How do vampires get around on Halloween? On blood vessels.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire? It’s a pain in the neck.
How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Why don’t vampires have more friends? Because they are a pain in the neck.
What do you give a vampire when he’s sick? Coffin-drops.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit? A blood orange.
What kind of dog does Dracula have? A blood hound.
Where do vampires keep their money? The blood bank.
What kind of tests do vampires give their students? Blood tests.
What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires? Fangs-giving!
Knock Knock! Who’s there? Cement. Cement who? Cement to scream when she saw Dracula but she fainted instead!
What did one thirsty vampire say to the other as they were passing the morgue? Let’s stop in for a cool one!
What is a vampire’s pet peeve? A Tourniquet!
How does a vampire enter his house? Through the bat flap!
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit? A neck-tarine.
Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift? Because she had bad blood.
How do vampires start their letters? “Tomb it may concern…”
What is it called when Dracula rearranges his furniture with his teeth? Fang-shui
What do you call a really good vampire riddle? Fangastic.
Witch Riddles
What do you call a witch’s garage? A broom closet.
What kind of food would you find on a haunted beach? A sand-witch!
What was the witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling.
What do you call two witches who live together? Broom-mates!
What’s a witch’s favorite makeup? Ma-scare-a.
What does a witch use to do her hair? Scarespray!
What do you call a witch who goes to the beach? A sand-witch.
Why was the broom late? It over swept.
What sound do witches make when they eat cereal? Snap, Cackle & Pop!
Knock, Knock… Who’s there? Witch! Witch who? Witch one of you will give me lots of Halloween candy?
What did the boy say to his bewitching girl friend? “You’ve got me under your spell.”
Zombie Riddles
Why did the zombie skip school? He felt rotten.
What is a zombie’s favorite thing to eat? Brain food.
What’s a zombie’s favorite cereal? Rice Creepies.
How do you know vampires love baseball? They turn into bats every night.
T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode,
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
While visions of iPads and Baby Sharks flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
With a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
Our homeschooling mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
Which made her sigh, “Now what’s the matter?”
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
“Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I have to clean the rug.”
“Ho-ho-ho!” cried Santa, “I’m glad you’re awake.”
“Your gift was especially difficult to make.”
“Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone.”
“Exactly!” he chuckled, “I’ve made you a clone.”
“A clone?” she asked, “What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I’ve no time for chit-chat.”
The mother’s twin. Same hair, same eyes,
Same double chin. “She’ll cook! She’ll dust!”
“She’ll mop every mess! You’ll relax, take it easy!
Watch The Young & the Restless…” “Fantastic!” the mom cheered.
“My dream come true! I’ll shop. I’ll read,
I’ll sleep a whole night through!”
From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
“Mommy?! I scared… and I ‘m wet.”
The clone replied, “I’m coming, sweetheart.”
“Hey,” the mom smiled, “She knows her part!”
The clone changed the small one and hummed her a tune,
as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
“You’re the best mommy ever. I really love you.”
The clone smiled and sighed, “I love you, too.”
The mom frowned and said, “Sorry, Santa, no deal.”
That’s my child’s love she’s trying to steal.”
Smiling wisely Santa said, “To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here.”
The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
“Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget it won’t be very long,
When they’ll be too old for my cradle-song.”
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, “It works every time.”
With the clone by his side Santa said, “Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, Mom. You’ll be all right.”
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec.24th, when they (with amazing calm) call other errant men for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa PROBABLY isn’t a man:
Men can’t pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than be caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened…having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don’t answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole’s version of “The Christmas Song,” it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy, per second,.each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.
A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.
Physics Carols O Gravity, O Gravity, All Newton’s theories crowning, Where e’er we be, land, air, or sea, We’re subject to your “downing”
Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it,”Top Secret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here!” Give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.
Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.
After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”
When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.
Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through calendar.
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.
Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there’d never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance,
It smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn’t a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I’d never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn’t been popped.
Pumpkin Riddles
