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Tag: <span>Milpitas Jokes</span>

Puttin’ On The Hitz

Milpitas Jokes

Have you seen the well to do? 
Up and down Calaveras Avenue? 
On that famous thoroughfare, 
With their noses in the air? 
Snazzy suits and starched collars,  
Votes are sold for lots of dollars.  
Spending every dime,  
For a wonderful time!

If you’re poor and you don’t know, 
Who took it, why don’t you go, 
Where power $its? 
Puttin’ On The Hitz.
Different babes chased every day,
They harrass, and get away,
Employees with perfect tits –
Puttin’ On The Hitz.

Dressed up like a million dollar good-guy,
Trying hard not to look a lie.
Still puttin’ On The Hitz.

Come, let’s mix where donors,
Place their bribes as celluar-phoners,
Puttin’ On The Hit$.

Spangled gowns upon a beauty
of hand-me-downs, on clown and cutie,
But it’s only about booty’
All misfits.
Puttin’ On The Hitz.

Tips his hat just like an English dandy,
Trolls for babes with donor dollar candy.
Very Snappy!

You’ll declare it’s simply flying,
To be there, and hear them lying.
Puttin’ On The Hitz.
Puttin’ On The Hitz.
Puttin’ On The Hit$!!

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Milk With A Little Coffee In It

Milpitas Jokes

This story takes a little background; the names have been changed to protect the guilty. Ian works in a little coffee, chai, and sandwich place in Milpitas. Peter is his boss and the owner of the shop, and yes, this actually happened. Ian is telling the story.

A special presentation of the “Stupid Award” goes to this customer. Below is an approximate conversation with her.

Customer: Yes, I’d like a milk with some coffee in it.

Ian: So, that’s just a splash of coffee in a milk?

Customer: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.

Ian: Is there more milk or coffee?

Customer: Oh, definitely more coffee.

Ian: So that’s a coffee with some extra milk.

Customer: Just the usual amount of milk.

Ian: A coffee with milk.

Customer: Yes.

Ian: Anything else?

Customer: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?

Ian: We do have decaf.

Customer: No, I don’t want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.

Ian: Ma’am, that’s what decaf means, no caffeine.

Customer: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?

Ian: Milk doesn’t come with caffeine.

Customer: Yes it does.

Ian: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?

Customer: It doesn’t say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine.

Ian: Oh, you’re right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?

Customer: Do you have any bagels?

Peter (who has been listening all along): I’m sorry, ma’am, we’re all out of decaf bagels.

Customer: Oh, well, then I’ll have one of those, with sesame seeds.

Peter: We’re all out, ma’am.

Customer: Well what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)

Peter: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.

Customer: I guess I’ll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards?

Ian: No ma’am, cash only.

Customer: What about visa?

Ian: Is that a credit card?

Customer: Well, yes.

Peter: Is it cash?

Customer: No.

Peter: Then no, we can’t take it.

Customer: What about checks?

Ian: Cash ma’am, nothing else.

Customer: O.K. How much is that?

Peter: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.

Customer: Really?

Peter: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that’s hard to find now, had to grow it myself.

Customer: O.K.. (proceeds to write a check)

Peter: Please leave.

Customer: Why?

Peter: You’re raising my blood pressure, leave now.

Customer: But what about my coffee?

Peter: Leave and never return.

She leaves, but pays the $11.45, first ………… I’m serious.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

In Memory of Those Who Died in the Service

Religious Jokes

One Sunday morning, the pastor, Ole, noticed little Andy was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of a Milpitas church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Andy.”

“Good morning Father,” replied the young boy, still focused on the plaque.

“Father Ole, what is this?” Andy asked.

“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Andy’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

How Milpitans Do It

Milpitas Jokes

Finding Good Deals in Milpitas:

Sign in a Milpitas gas station: Coke — 49 cents. Two for a dollar!

How Milpitas Clerks Check For Valid VISA Cards:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.

She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Milpitans and Those Card Readers:

At a grocery store in Milpitas, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don’t know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, “Strip down, face toward me.”

Editor’s Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?

Milpitans Do Fast Food Math:

A customer at a Milpitas sub shop ordered “a small soda.” The owner responded, “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t have small, just medium and large.” (Both cost 99 cents.)

The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, “Okay, I guess I’ll just have to have the medium then.”

Milpitans and Geography:

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as ‘rather monosyllabic.’ My boss said, “Really? Where is Monosyllabia?”

Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Ebonia. He replied, “Oh, you mean over by Croatia?”

Advice for Tech Workers:

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees.”

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.”

Milpitans up in the Hills:

I live in the Milpitas hills. We recently had a new neighbor call the local city administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

Milpitans and Computers:

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a Milpitas bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

“I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”

Milpitans Are Easy To Please

My son’s friend was sitting in his Milpitas High science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. His lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. He explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

Milpitans In Food Services

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Milpitans Do Math:

A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit from Milpitas for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, “She’s half as old as I am, that’s how I always remember.”

So someone else (okay, it was me) said, “That’s neat… So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?” My co-worker thought about that, and then said, “Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

The Hills Meet Their Fate In Milpitas

Milpitas Jokes

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Silicon Valley, California; as it happens, in the Milpitas hills.

They’re driving a rental car along a rare deserted highway. It’s late, and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control!

Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??”

“I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “we don’t have a phone. But my master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him.”

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.”

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upsets Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill’s hand twitch.

Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

(Don’t page down unless you have a strong stomach…)

(You sure you want to know?)

“Master, Master!… The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

The Art Sold, but …

Milpitas Jokes

An artist asked the Yolette, curator at the Community Art and History Museums, if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

“I have good news and bad news,” the Yolette replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The guy was your doctor.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

You Know You Live in Milpitas When…

Computing Jokes & Milpitas Jokes

  1. You make over $250,000 and still can’t afford a house.
  2. You see nothing but expensive cars because of <above>.
  3. You have more bandwidth in your apartment or condo than most major universities.
  4. Your commute time is 45 minutes and you live 8 miles from work.
  5. You see a billboard that says “FGPA2ASIC” and aren’t fazed.
  6. You stop asking how much things cost and start asking “How long will it take?”
  7. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
  8. You don’t understand how the FasTrak work because you normally don’t commute during those hours.
  9. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
  10. Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
  11. You know that “PARC” isn’t some place to walk your dog.
  12. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
  13. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
  14. You know the name of the manager of every coffee house in Silicon Valley.
  15. You know vast and subtle differences between Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Cantonese, and Korean food.
  16. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
  17. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
  18. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
  19. Gas cost $1.75 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
  20. When you need the updated Diamond Monster 3D drivers, you just walk across the street.
  21. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
  22. It’s sprinkling and there’s a report on every news station about “The Storm Watch!”
  23. You can no longer run the air conditioner because the gas and electric bills are 3 times higher than anywhere else in the country!
  24. You scan yard sales for back issues of “Dr. Dobbs.”
  25. You were born somewhere else.
  26. Your favorite computer reseller speaks only Cantonese.
  27. Your workplace vending machines dispense “100% natural twig-bars” right next to Jolt cola and Instant Espresso mix.
  28. You know how to eat an artichoke.
  29. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
  30. No one brings radios into work – they just use RealAudio and listen to thedj.com, rebelradio.com, or other out-of-state stations.
  31. Your car has bulletproof windows.
  32. You /lost/never had/don’t know how to set/ the alarm clock. You’ll just get to work when you get there.
  33. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
  34. Your mouse has only one ball.
  35. Your home computer contains mostly hardware/software that isn’t on the consumer market yet.
  36. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
  37. You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
  38. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
  39. You go to “The City” on weekends but don’t live there because you like your car.
  40. You think that “I’m going to Fry’s Electronics” is an acceptable excuse to leave the office for a while. And your boss does too.
  41. You know it’s Christmas Day because the parking lots at the electronics companies are only half full.
  42. You go to an industrial-heavy-metal bar and see two guys get into a fight over what flavor of UNIX is better.
  43. Your family tree contains significant others.
  44. You have completely forgotten how to write longhand.
  45. Your cat has it’s own psychiatrist.
  46. Your dog died of inattention.
  47. So did your cat.
  48. You spend more time checking the value of your stock options than you do at the gym, but you’re still paying $25 monthly for a membership to a place you haven’t visited in 18 months.
  49. You have no idea your apartment/house is really dirty because you haven’t seen it during daylight hours in over two years.
  50. You have to think twice before you realize that “beta blocker” is a medical term, not some new exotic software.
  51. You’ve replaced your box of floppies with a box of Zip disks, but that’s just until you get your box of Jaz disks.
  52. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
  53. More than clothes come out of the closets.
  54. When “the Dead” are best live.
  55. You go to the movies and EVERYBODY claps along with the SciFi theme music.
  56. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
  57. Your kids grew up and went to college but you’re palm-top still has a standing notation to drop by Toys ‘R’ Us to pick up a dozen packs of disposable diapers, but they’re always closed when you finally get there.
  58. You meet a friend for lunch and the first topic is where they are working now.
  59. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
  60. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
  61. Smoking in your office is not optional.
  62. You entice prospective employees to join your company by bragging about the speed of your internet connection.
  63. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
  64. You own more than 10 articles of clothing that have hardware and/or software companies printed on them. (Bonus for embroidered stuff.)
  65. When you can’t schedule a meeting because you must “do lunch.”
  66. You know where Woz Way, Resistor Ave, Infinite Loop and Floppy Drive are located.
  67. You know where Woz is.
  68. You think Steve Jobs is a “hunk.”
  69. Even though Microsoft employs quite a few programmers in the Bay Area, they only work on PowerPoint, and the company is still the embodiment of Satan. (Even if their stock IS worth more than yours.)
  70. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
  71. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
  72. You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman.
  73. If it weren’t for Trader Joe’s frozen meals, you’d starve to death.
  74. You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
  75. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
  76. You really meant to change the oil in your car 50,000 miles ago.
  77. You know Hwy 280 North runs west, and Hwy 680 North runs East.
  78. When all highways into the state say “No fruits!”
  79. All highways out of the state say “Go back!”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Neil Diamond vs CDC on Hands, Touching Hands

Covid Jokes

Neil Diamond: Hands,

CDC: Yes, wash them for at least 20 seconds.

Neil Diamond: touching hands,

CDC: No! Please don’t touch hands!

Neil Diamond: reaching out…

CDC: Avoid that, too!

Neil Diamond: touching me…

CDC: Oh, Hell!

Neil Diamond: Touching You!

CDC: Milpitas is doomed :/

Neil Diamond sings “Sweet Caroline” with updated lyric for safety during Covid-19 pandemic. Stay safe out there!

Coronavirus COVID-19 Updates for Milpitas
As the Coronavirus COVID-19 has hit our city and county particularly hard, I will use this post to keep you updated on important information you will need right here in town. Some posts here will be updated with extra links to Covid-19 information related to their usual topics.

Keeping Hands Clean

Handwashing is one of the best ways to protect yourself and your family from getting sick. Learn when and how you should wash your hands to stay healthy.

Wash Your Hands Often to Stay Healthy

You can help yourself and your loved ones stay healthy by washing your hands often, especially during these key times when you are likely to get and spread germs:

  • Before, during, and after preparing food
  • Before eating food
  • Before and after caring for someone at home who is sick with vomiting or diarrhea
  • Before and after treating a cut or wound
  • After using the toilet
  • After changing diapers or cleaning up a child who has used the toilet
  • After blowing your nose, coughing, or sneezing
  • After touching an animal, animal feed, or animal waste
  • After handling pet food or pet treats
  • After touching garbage

washing hands under faucet

Follow Five Steps to Wash Your Hands the Right Way

Washing your hands is easy, and it’s one of the most effective ways to prevent the spread of germs. Clean hands can stop germs from spreading from one person to another and throughout an entire community—from your home and workplace to childcare facilities and hospitals.

Follow these five steps every time.

  1. Wet your hands with clean, running water (warm or cold), turn off the tap, and apply soap.
  2. Lather your hands by rubbing them together with the soap. Lather the backs of your hands, between your fingers, and under your nails.
  3. Scrub your hands for at least 20 seconds. Need a timer? Hum the “Happy Birthday” song from beginning to end twice.
  4. Rinse your hands well under clean, running water.
  5. Dry your hands using a clean towel or air dry them.

Why? Read the science behind the recommendations.

Use Hand Sanitizer When You Can’t Use Soap and Water

using hand sanitizer
You can use an alcohol-based hand sanitizer that contains at least 60% alcohol if soap and water are not available.

Washing hands with soap and water is the best way to get rid of germs in most situations. If soap and water are not readily available, you can use an alcohol-based hand sanitizer that contains at least 60% alcohol. You can tell if the sanitizer contains at least 60% alcohol by looking at the product label.

Sanitizers can quickly reduce the number of germs on hands in many situations. However,

  • Sanitizers do not get rid of all types of germs.
  • Hand sanitizers may not be as effective when hands are visibly dirty or greasy.
  • Hand sanitizers might not remove harmful chemicals from hands like pesticides and heavy metals.

Caution! Swallowing alcohol-based hand sanitizers can cause alcohol poisoning if more than a couple of mouthfuls are swallowed. Keep it out of reach of young children and supervise their use. Learn more here.

How to use hand sanitizer

  • Apply the gel product to the palm of one hand (read the label to learn the correct amount).
  • Rub your hands together.
  • Rub the gel over all the surfaces of your hands and fingers until your hands are dry. This should take around 20 seconds.

Image of a woman washing hands in a bathroom and a reminder to make handwashing a healthy habit.

New Handwashing Campaign: Life is Better with Clean Hands

To celebrate Global Handwashing Day on October 15, CDC has launched the Life is Better with Clean Hands campaign. This campaign encourages adults to make handwashing part of their everyday life and encourages parents to wash their hands to set a good example for their kids. Visit the Life is Better with Clean Hands campaign page to download resources to help promote handwashing in your community.

For more information on handwashing, visit CDC’s Handwashing website or call 1-800-CDC-INFO.

More Information

Apartment Hunting With A Large Family

A large family, with seven children, were moving to Milptias. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family.

After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery while he took the older three to find an apartment.

After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right.

Then the landlord asked the usual question: “How many children do you have?”

The father answered with a deep sigh, “Seven… but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery.”

He got the apartment!

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.