Generic selectors
Exact matches only
Search in title
Search in content
Post Type Selectors
Search in posts
Search in pages
event
ninja-table
location
advanced_ads

Tag: <span>Milpitas Jokes</span>

Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died

Animal Jokes & Milpitas Jokes

Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn’t leave the farm, so Lena took the Altamont Corridor Express to Escalon to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.

The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.

Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. “Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn’t you make an exception just once?” pleaded Lena. “Sorry lady,” he replied, “but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street.”

At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, “Mister, how many words can I send to my husband for a dime?” “It’s ten cents a word,” the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, “OK, here’s da message:

“COMFORTABLE.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Cultural Differences Explained

Milpitas Jokes

This is to help my Asian American and Chicano friends better understand the cultural differences among Anglo cultural groups. We aren’t all alike! There are basically four types: Aussies (Australians), Brits (Great Britain), Canadians (And don’t you DARE call them anything else!) and your typical, everyday Milpitan (American mutt.)

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Milpitans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Milpitans when abroad.

Milpitans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Milpitans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Milpitans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Milpitans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.

Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.

Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.

Milpitans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.

Milpitans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English.”

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English.”

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add “G’day”, “mate,” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Milpitans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.

Milpitans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Milpitans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid assimilation.

Milpitans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old ways.

Brits: Encourages immigrants to go to Canada or America.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.

Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.

Milpitans: Don’t have to do either, and couldn’t care less.

Aussies: Don’t understand what inclement weather means.

Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.

Canadians: Have produced many great commedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.

Milpitans: Think that these people are American!

Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Milpitans ignore them because they don’t understand subtle humor.

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.

Milpitans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.

Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Fire at the Semiconductor Plant

Milpitas Jokes

One dark night in Milpitas, a fire started inside the local semiconductor plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the semiconductor company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!”

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and little fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed of a couple of fire fighters, Sparky, Elvis Presley (really Ron Short), the GoMilpitas.com webmaster and the President of the Historical Society.

To everyone’s amazement, Leapin’ Lena raced through the semiconductor plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the motley crew hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the semiconductor company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.

After thanking each of the heros individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money.

The Leapin’ Lena driver looked him right in the eye and said, “The first thing we’re going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Litter Problem Solved

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

A few years ago, the City of Milpitas had a litter problem. A once-clean section of town had become an eyesore because people had stopped using the trash cans. There were cigarette butts, beer bottles, chocolate wrappers, newspapers and other trash littering the streets.

Obviously, the sanitation department was concerned, so they sought ways to clean up the city. One idea was to double the littering fine from 25 dollars to 50 dollars for each offense. They tried this, but it had little effect. Another approach was to increase the number of litter-agents who patrolled the area. This was more of the same, that is, another “punish the litterer” solution, and it, too, had little impact on the problem.

Then somebody asked the following question:

“What if our trash cans paid people money when they put their trash in? We could put an electronic sensing device on each can as well as a coin-return mechanism. Whenever a person put trash in the can, it would pay him $10.”

The idea, to say the least, whacked everyone’s thinking. The problem had been changed from a “punish the litterer” one to one of “reward the law abider.” The idea had one glaring fault, however; if the city implemented the idea, it would go bankrupt. Half of the United States would come to use the trash cans!

Fortunately, the people who were listening to this idea didn’t evaluate it based on its practical merits. Instead, they used it as a stepping stone and asked themselves: “What other ways are there in which we can reward people for putting their refuse in the trash cans?” This question lead to the following solution.

The sanitation department developed electronic trash cans which had a sensing unit on the top that would detect when a piece of refuse had been deposited. This would activate a tape-recorder that would play a recording of a joke. In other words, joke-telling trash cans! Different trash cans told different kinds of jokes (some told bad puns while others told shaggy dog stories and still others told snappy one-liners) and soon developed reputations. The jokes were changed every two weeks. As a result, people went out of their way to put their trash in the trash cans, and the town became clean once again.

Siren Sounds-Police Blotter Humor

Milpitas Jokes

These are really true! From the Milpitas Post’s Police Blotter.

April 9, 1998

No Second Chances For Alleged Shoe Thief

After allegedly stealing a pair of shoes from Mervyn’s Department Store, a suspected thief wore them when he made a return visit to the store March 30 at 8:30 p.m.

According to officers, the suspect was not happy with the stolen shoes and exchanged them for a more comfortable pair. Security then stopped the man as he tried to walk out of the store without paying for the shoes.

Police arrested Mark Allen Cameron, 36, of Milpitas on suspicion of theft.

[I guess the suspect heard that Mervyn’s allegedly was really nice about making exchanges with no questions asked!]

Man Arrested for Distributing Nude Photo

A woman called police after she found a nude photograph of herself on her car. According to police reports, the woman said that her estranged husband had placed it there and was threatening to distribute the photos.

Police contacted the woman’s ex-husband and discovered he possessed the nude photos.

Officers arrested the 30-year-old man on March 30 at 11 p.m. on the 200 block of Fanyon Drive on suspicion of distributing obscene material. The suspect’s name has been withheld to protect the identity of the victim.

[I never much like the photographs my husband takes of me either.]

The Milpitas Post no longer includes the Police Blotter.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.