Jokes

Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn’t leave the farm, so Lena took the Altamont Corridor Express to Escalon to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.

The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.

Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. “Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn’t you make an exception just once?” pleaded Lena. “Sorry lady,” he replied, “but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street.”

At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, “Mister, how many words can I send to my husband for a dime?” “It’s ten cents a word,” the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, “OK, here’s da message:

“COMFORTABLE.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

The Day the NASDAQ Died

Money Jokes

Sung to the tune of “American Pie”:

A long, long week ago
I can still remember how the market used to make me smile
What I’d do when I had the chance
Is get myself a cash advance
And add another tech stock to the pile.

But Jerome Powell made me shiver
With every speech that he delivered
Bad news on the rate front
Still I’d take one more punt.

I can’t remember if I cried
When I heard about the CPI
I lost my fortune and my pride
The day the NASDAQ died.

So bye-bye to my piece of the pie
Now I’m gettin’ calls for margin
‘Cause my cash account’s dry
It’s just two weeks from a new all-time high
And now we’re right back where we were in July
We’re right back where we were in July.

Did you buy stocks you never heard of?
QCOM at 150 or above?
‘Cos George Gilder told you so
Now do you believe in Home Depot?
Can Wal-Mart save your portfolio?
And can you teach me what’s a P/E ratio?

Well, I know that you were leveraged too
So you can’t just take a long-term view
Your broker shut you down
No more margin could be found.

I never worried on the whole way up
Buying dot coms from the back of a truck
But Friday I ran out of luck
It was the day the NASDAQ died.

I started singin’
Bye-bye to my piece of the pie
Now I’m gettin’ calls for margin
‘Cause my cash account’s dry
It’s just two weeks from a new all-time high
And now we’re right back where we were in July
Yeah we’re right back where we were in July.

How can I become a millionaire?

Links for kids about investing.

Stock Market Game
Discover the risks and excitment involved in investing a pretend $100,000 in real-world stocks.

Treasury’s Page For Kids
Learn about savings bonds, money and coins, or play “Lemonade Stand” or other money games.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Equal Employment Opportunity

A Milpitas business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and MUST be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign also says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual. The dog looked at that manager calmly and said, “Meow.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Everyday Maxims

Amazing Facts

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!

Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Advice For Married Women: Then and Now

Women Jokes

The following is from a 1950’s Home Economics textbook intended for high school girls, advice on how to prepare for married life.

Have dinner ready: Plan ahead even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot or work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
Clear away the clutter: make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
Some DON’TS: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
The Goal: Try to make you home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Now, the Updated Version For The Modern Silicon Valley Woman

Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you’d like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been rotten, and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the “LANCOMB” counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don’t forget to use his credit card!)
Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
Prepare the children: Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo.
Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.
Some DON’TS: Don’t greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner; simply remind him the leftovers are in the refrigerator and you left the dishes for him to do.
Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he’s cold. This will show you care.
Listen to him: But don’t ever let him get the last word.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment, go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card).
The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Classes We’d Really Like To See Offered At the Community Center

SELF-IMPROVEMENT WORKSHOPS

Creative Suffering
Overcoming Peace of Mind
Guilt without Sex
The Primal Shrug
Ego Gratification through Violence
Holding your Child’s Attention through Guilt and Fear
Dealing with Post Self-realization Depression
Whine and Whimper Your Way to Alienation

BUSINESS/CAREER WORKSHOPS

Money Can Make You Rich
Tawkin’ Good: How to Improve Your Spitch and Get a More Betterer Payn’ Job
I Made $100 in Real Estate
Career Opportunities in Iran
Under-Achiever’s Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
Filler Phrases for Thesis Writers
Tax Shelters for the Indigent
Looters Guide to American Cities

HOME ECONOMICS WORKSHOPS

How to Convert Your Family Room into a Rabbit Run
How to Cultivate Viruses in your Refrigerator
Burglar-Proof Your Home with Concrete
Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
Sinus Drainage at Home
101 Other Uses for Your Vacuum Cleaner
How to Convert Your Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy

HEALTH AND FITNESS WORKSHOPS

Creative Tooth Decay
Exorcism and Belly-Button Lint
The Joys of Hypochondria
Suicide and Your Health
Bio-feedback and How to Stop It
Skate Your Way to Regularity
Tap Dance Your Way to Social Ridicule
Optional Body Functions

CRAFT WORKSHOPS

Self-Actualization Through Macrame
Needlecraft for Junkies
Homeschoolers’ Guide to Bad Taste
Cuticle Crafts
Mobiles and Collages with Fetishes
Gifts for the Senile
Bonsai Your Pet
Building the 747 with Basic Lincoln Logs

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Fun Things To Do While Driving With Kids

Driving with kids getting you down? Try these to spice up your trip while on the road.

Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
Two words: Chicken suit.
Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
Stop at the green lights.
Go at the red ones.
Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
Eat food that requires silverware.
Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
Sing without having the radio on.
Honk frequently without motivation.
Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
Ask people for Grey Poupon.
Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
Restart your car at every stop light.
Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
Paint your car with occult symbols.
Keep at least five cats in the car.
Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
Stop and collect roadkill.
Stop and pray to roadkill.
Throw Spam.
Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Error Dialogue Haiku

Computing Jokes

Wind catches lily
scatt’ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zengineering?

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can’t bridge

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Errors have occurred.
We won’t tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

Server’s poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Everything is gone;
Your life’s work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

This site has been moved.
We’d tell you where, but then we’d
have to delete you.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the, please Hal

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: “File not found.”

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Don’t Eat the Forbidden Fruit

Religious Jokes

Whenever your kids are out of control you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Adam asked.

“Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit.” God replied.

“Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!”

“No way!”

“WAY!”

“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.

“Why?”

“Because I am your Father and I said so!” said God, wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

“Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?” the First Parent asked.

“Uh huh,” Adam replied.

“Then why did you?”

“I dunno,” Eve answered.

“She started it!” Adam said.

“Did not!”

“DID so!”

“DID NOT!”

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment for eating the forbidden fruit was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own … thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be too hard on yourself. If God has trouble handling His children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Buying Swimwear

Women Jokes

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as “buying a bathing costume.”

When I was a child in the 1950s the bathing costume for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure: boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.

They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a darn good job. Today’s stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a figure chipped from marble. The mature woman has a choice. She can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral costume with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney’s Fantasia, or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluoro rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that a shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing costume, but as I twanged the shoulder strap into place I gasped in horror! My bosom had disappeared. Eventually I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across the chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing costume fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersize cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the pre-pubescent salesgirl popped her head through the curtains “Oh, there you are!” she said. I asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversize napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with a ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan’s Jane on a bad day. I tried a black number with a ruffled midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally I found a costume that fit. A two piece affair with shorts-style bottoms and a halter top. It was cheap, comfortable and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.

When I got home I read the label which said ‘Material may become transparent in water,” but I’m determined to wear it anyway. I just have to learn to breaststroke in the sand.

— author unknown….honest!

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Jokes

Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died

The Day the NASDAQ Died

How can I become a millionaire?

Equal Employment Opportunity

Everyday Maxims

Advice For Married Women: Then and Now

The following is from a 1950’s Home Economics textbook intended for high school girls, advice on how to prepare for married life.

Now, the Updated Version For The Modern Silicon Valley Woman

Classes We’d Really Like To See Offered At the Community Center

SELF-IMPROVEMENT WORKSHOPS

BUSINESS/CAREER WORKSHOPS

HOME ECONOMICS WORKSHOPS

HEALTH AND FITNESS WORKSHOPS

CRAFT WORKSHOPS

Fun Things To Do While Driving With Kids

Error Dialogue Haiku

Don’t Eat the Forbidden Fruit

Buying Swimwear

How to Make GoMilpitas into an app on your iPhone or iPad.

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