If Muppet Harry Monster correctly guesses what 3+1 is, he will win a trip to Milpitas, California.
In another episode, one of the Muppets correctly guesses 3+2, and wins a three-day, two-night, all expense paid trip to Milpitas, California. Still looking for that one.
By Eric Shapiro, June 17, 2023, in The Milpitas Beat
The Milpitas Beat last Saturday caught up with Milpitas Historical Society President Bill Hare for a fun, quick chat about our city’s long yet forgotten history as the butt of endless jokes around the nation…
According to Hare, for about a century, a comparable cultural sentiment was in circulation about a “man from Milpitas…” No man in particular, just a general, fictional Milpitas resident…
The Milpitas Historical Society can trace the whole thing back to news articles from the 1860s. According to Hare, “In 1863, there was talk of California maybe leaving the union and becoming a slave state…There was enough Southern sympathy that there was talk of this. So there were various meetings going on [across the state]…”
At one such meeting, a pro-Union group from Milpitas brought in a banner (or, depending upon which accounts you believe, a kerosene wall projection powered by a lantern) that was visible to everyone there. Upon it were the words “As goes Milpitas, so goes the state.”
With a smile, Hare said, “People found this very amusing…” The attitude was, “You think a whole lot of yourself, don’t you, Milpitas?” Hare continued, “The Oakland Tribune was a big factor in this. They loved to make fun of Milpitas.”
Back in the late 1800s, the Oakland Tribune would sometimes run a serious article, then end it with a dose of mockery at Milpitas’ expense.
1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning…”
2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes… sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound.”
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch–ain’t no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Milpitas.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Milpitas or any place in Canada. Hard times in Milpitas or Mountain View is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg ’cause a alligator be chompin’ on it is.
9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or the Great Mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. Highway
b. Elmwood Jail
c. An empty bed
d. Bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom’s
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy league institutions
d. Golf courses
12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
13. You have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. You older than dirt
b. You blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can’t be satisfied
14. You don’t have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. You have all your teeth
b. You were once blind but now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. You have a pension fund
15. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
16. If you ask for water and your darlin’ give you gasoline, it’s the Blues
17. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. Cheap wine
b. Whiskey or bourbon
c. Muddy water
d. Nasty black coffee
18. The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
19. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
20. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
21. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
22. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Milpitas.
23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Melon, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not “Kiwi.”)
24. I don’t care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.
Thanks to Steve Briante for the original joke.
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
Don’t interfere with something that ain’t botherin’ you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
If it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, it probably ain’t.
It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
Don’t worry about bitin’ off more’n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Generally, you ain’t learnin’ nothing when your mouth’s a-jawin’.
Tellin’ a man to git lost and makin’ him do it are two entirely different propositions.
If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there with ya.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back.
Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s sure crucial to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Don’t Squat With Yer Spurs on: A Cowboys Guide to Life
by Texas Bix Bender
“Unlike the rest of the country, our people are bright and our lights are dim.”
Bay Area Comedian, Clifford Fewel
PG&E now officially stands for “Power Grid Envy.”
Los Angeles Comedian, Perry Kurtz
It’s a big night in Disneyland in California as they open their new theme park ‘California Adventure.’ However, due to the power outages in California, the Country Bear Jamboree will performed unplugged.”
Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live
Jay Leno suggests that California conserve energy by doing away with the yellow part of traffic lights “because nobody pays attention to those anyway.”
It was on this day in 1706 tha Benjamin Franklin was born. You know, he was able to get electricity using a key tied to a kite, which is how most Californians are going to be getting electricity.
Jay Leno
We all have a new term to learn: rolling blackout. And, no, that doesn’t mean Robert Downey Jr. driving to the store.
Clifford Fewel
A frustrated Silicon Valley dad vented, “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, iPhone, computer, and DVD player.”
“So what do you do?” asked his friend.
“I send him to MY room!” exclaimed the father.
The Addition Game – Will Muppet Win Trip to Milpitas?
Video: If Muppet Harry Monster correctly guesses what 3+1 is, he will win a trip to Milpitas, California.
The Art Sold, but …
An artist asked the Yolette, curator at the Community Art and History Museums, if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
Cultural Differences Explained
This is to help my Asian American and Chicano friends better understand the differences among Anglo cultural groups.
Disciplining Silicon Valley Kids
When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player.
Fire at the Semiconductor Plant
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed of a couple of fire fighters, Sparky, Elvis Presley, the GoMilpitas.com webmaster and the President of the Historical Society.
Hills Meet Their Fate In Milpitas
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Silicon Valley, California; as it happens, in Milpitas.
How Milpitans Do It
Finding Good Deals in Milpitas: Coke 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
How to Pronounce This Place
MIL-pit-as; Mil-pit-ASS; Mil-PEET-us?
Laughing in the Dark
Unlike the rest of the country, our people are bright and our lights are dim.
Litter Problem Solved
A few years ago, the City of Milpitas had a litter problem.
Milk With A Little Coffee In It
Customer: I’d like a milk with some coffee in it.
Milpitas Cowboy’s Guide to Life
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died
… so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one.
Pie Throwing Trend in Milpitas
“… java virtual machine …” – WHAM – call the dry cleaners.
Puttin’ On The Hitz
Have you seen the well to do? Up and down Calaveras Avenue?
Siren Sounds
Shoe thief tries to exchange the uncomfortable shoes at Mervyns, and more incredible crimes.
There Are No Fish Under The Ice!
A blonde woman notices the popularity of ice fishing in Milpitas, and decides to try it for herself.
Two Elderly Milpitas Ladies Got Together
“You know we’ve been friends for many years and, please don’t get mad, but for the life of me I can’t remember your name. Please tell me what it is.”
You Know You Live in Milpitas When…
You make $2520,000 a year, but can’t find a place to live.
Yet to Add
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Milpitas Cowboy’s Guide to Life
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
Noah Tries To Build Ark in Milpitas
Noah: “I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a Milpitas City building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet code.
Prosecutor’s First Witness
A Milpitas prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand in a trial.
Signs Around Milpitas
Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
This Sound Like Your City Council?
“When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, …”
Catholic Litany In A Pinch
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in Milpitas. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit
“Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!”
God is Missing. We’re in Trouble!
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
High Tech Church Built in Milpitas
“A church with only one pew?” asked the vicar.
In Memory of Those Who Died in the Service
One Sunday morning, the pastor, Ole, noticed little Andy was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
Proverbs: Kids’ Versions
Better Be Safe Than . . . Punch A 5th Grader.
The Ring Bearer
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.
Biggest Lies
Campaign financing has nothing to do with how I vote.
On the Revelation of William Bennett’s Gambling Habit
Bill Bennett told a grateful nation,
‘Be moral. Just resist temptation.’
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Add Later
How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb?
One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed, …
Life As An American
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into Milpitas where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
McCain’s Acceptance Speech Blooper
“We believe everyone has something to contribute and deserves the opportunity to reach their God-given potential from the boy whose descendants arrived on the Mayflower to the Latina daughter of migrant workers.
Outsourcing of Jobs Reaches the President
Congress today announced that the Office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to overseas interests as of June 30th, the end of this fiscal year.
Second Presidential Debate
Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush.
Warranty Card on Purchased Government Official [tm]
Dear Special Interest, Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official [tm].
Why Problems At Airports
You know why there are so many problems and delays at airports these days, right?