Jokes

Men’s Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Fishermen Catch A Mermaid
Three Homeschool Dads go fishing, catch a mermaid and demand their IQ’s be increased.

Mustard
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

Next “Survivor” Show
6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids for 6 weeks.

Training Courses Now Available For Men
Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Kids Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Fun Things To Do While Driving With Kids
Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.

God is Missing. We’re in Trouble! 
If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are  probably involved.

Greatest Baseball Player in the World
A homeschooling boy was overheard talking to himself, baseball cap in place and toting ball and bat.

Homework Policy
Long Term Assignments: These are given the night before they are due.

Letter From A Scout
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.

Pledge of Allegiance
A child’s version of the Pledge, and a link to a site about safety around fireworks.

Retirement Through the Eyes of a Child
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Milpitas.

Science Explained By Children
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Holiday Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes


Halloween Jokes

Halloween Riddles
About a 100 Halloween Riddles to tickle your Funny Bone.

Is everyone ok?
Everyone check on your friends. We have a rider down.

20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)


Thanksgiving Jokes

The turkey shot out of the oven
The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air, it knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Christmas Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Christmas Carol Quiz
These are the names of well-known Christmas caroles, rewritten in PC (pretty convoluted). If you like puzzles, try to decipher them.

Christmas Riddles 
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?

Christmas Riddles, Puns and Jokes 
Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit? They both drop their needles.

An Engineer Calculates Santa’s Trip
No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer.

Fruit Cake Recipe
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Put it down somewhere. Check the whiskey again.

How We Know Santa’s Reindeer Are Female
Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

I Think Santa Claus is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it.

An Interview with Santa’s Lawyer
Please state your name and occupation. My name is Marta Pittman, and I’m a partner at the Law Office of Garry Barbadillo.

Letter From Santa
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced.

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

Night Before Christmas for Mom
T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode,
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.

Planning the Company Holiday Party 
I’m happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue.

Rudolf, The Red
An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

Santa’s Prayer
The sleigh was all packed, the reindeer were fed,
But Santa still knelt by the side of the bed.

Santa’s Workshop Bought By Bill Gates – 2020 Version
‘Twas the night before Christmas, When all through the house
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along
Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’, From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’, I’m happy although my boss let me go Happily addicted to the Web.

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Covid Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Are we there yet?
Dr. Fauci driving SUV with lots of kids yelling, “Are we there yet?” as approaching “Normal” lane marker.

Breaking News Joke
Women age 30-59 are most likely to carry CORONOVIRUS without symptoms!

Coronavirus Quarantine Travel Puns
You can’t say when this lockdown will be over, *Kenya*?

COVID advice for Geeks
COVID advice from Silicon Valley County Health Department, which has been sending out advice in many languages. Seems appropriate they also send it out in code!

Covid-19 BINGO
Usual BINGO rules, with this exception: If any game player sees someone sneeze or cough without a mask and into the open air, the game is over, and the player with most boxes covered wins that round.

Covid-19 is making me crack up!
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

Covid Vaccine Memes
My mate got their covid vaccine yesterday and I can tell you the most prominent side effect is the inability to shut up about getting the covid vaccine.

Daily Affirmations to Avoid
One of the things we DO have control over is being more mindful of the types of messages and words we are repeating to ourselves. Our thoughts have a lot of power over us and directly impact how we feel.

Dating in the Time of Coronavirus
You’ve seen the events announcements here for online speed dating, right? So here’s how it works for these singles.

Highs and Lows of Wearing Face Masks
Due to the order to wear face masks, some humorous observations have been made.

I Will Survive, Coronavirus version for teachers going online
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never teach through Canvas all the time
But then I spent so many nights reading the help docs for so long
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along…

Legoland Discovery Center at Great Mall Reopening
Covid-19 Updates regarding the Lego Discovery Center at the Great Mall in Milpitas.

Licking Is Totally the Same as Hand-washing, Right?
Me: Why are your hands wet?
4 Year Old: I licked them.

Look, I don’t come into your home office and tell you to get out of the tub!
Cartoon.

Naked Truth about Covid-19 and Sheltering in Place
So we’re into our 5th month of defeating COVID-19. These words made me laugh but there’s a lot of truth mixed in to consider…

Neil Diamond vs CDC on Hands, Touching Hands
Neil Diamond: Hands,
CDC: Yes, wash them for at least 20 seconds.
Neil Diamond: touching hands,
CDC: No! Please don’t touch hands!

Quarantine Insights One-liners
Whose idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.

A Recap of the First Three Weeks with Covid-19
Here’s a recap of the last three weeks, courtesy of Peter Lengsfelder.
AMERICA: Oh my god! Coronavirus! What should we do?
CALIFORNIA: Shut down your state.

Relative Importance in 2020 So Far Graph Joke
The most accurate graph I’ve seen during this pandemic!

Science Explained By Children
What is Covonovirus? Explained to Kids by National Geographic: If you’ve been watching the news lately, chances are you’ll have heard lots about an illness that’s affecting people around the world, called coronavirus.

Stop complaining! You need to keep it on.
Dog grins at master wearing face mask.

T’was 3 weeks before Christmas
T’was 3 weeks before Christmas, And all through the town,
People wore masks, That covered their frown.

Where’s Waldo? Social Distancing Edition
“When I saw the cartoon today, it made me think of how the things we took for granted as a child back then are no longer considered “SAFE.”

William Shakespeare Gets His Covid Vaccine
William Shakespeare becomes the 2nd person to receive the Pfizer-BioNTech #COVID19 vaccine (outside of a trial) in Coventry, England.

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Family Life Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Apartment Hunting With A Large Family
Father figures out how to get apartment even though he has a large family.

Being A Parent
Being a parent is like being pecked to death by a duck.

How Poor We Really Are
One day a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were.

Licking Is Totally the Same as Hand-washing, Right?
Me: Did you wash your hands? 4-year-old: No. Me: Why are your hands wet?

Mr. Nobody
I know a funny little man, as quiet as a mouse, who does the mischief that is done in everybody’s house!

Mustard
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

Night Before Christmas for Mom
T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode,
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.

Retirement Through the Eyes of a Child
After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following…

The Ring Bearer
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.

Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Ways to Really Annoy Telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

You Know You Live in Milpitas When…
You make $250,000 a year, but can’t find a place to live.

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Education Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

The Addition Game – Will Muppet Win Trip to Milpitas?
Video: If Muppet Harry Monster correctly guesses what 3+1 is, he will win a trip to Milpitas, California.

Are You Acting Too Much Like a Teacher?
Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

Bad Mistakes On Resumes
“Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”

Classes We’d Really Like To See Offered At the Community Center
Self-Improvement, Business/Career, Home Ec, Health & Fitness, Crafts

Densa IQ Test
You’ve heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with IQ’s of 140 and above?

Educator At An Accident
An educator uses her first aid training upon coming upon a bad car accident.

Educator Goes to Milpitas
A beautiful, blonde educator gets on an airplane and sits down in first class.

Excellent Advice I’ve Learned From Watching Scary Movies
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

The History of Math Word Problems
Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Homespun Couple Visit Harvard President
The President of Harvard made a mistake by prejudging people and it cost him dearly.

Homework Policy
Long Term Assignments: These are given the night before they are due.

Kurt Vonnegut’s Commencement Address At MIT
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’97: Wear sunscreen.

Milpitas High School Teacher Arrested at San Jose Airport
A Milpitas high school teacher was arrested today at Norman Y. Mineta San Jose International Airport as he attempted to board a flight.

On the Revelation of William Bennett’s Gambling Habit
Bill Bennett told a grateful nation,
‘Be moral. Just resist temptation.’

Seven Wonders of the World
A group of Geography students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World.

You Might Teach At Middle School If…
You can converse in middle schoolese.

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Computing Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

All the Urban Legends Rolled Into One
No need to read all those other urban legends, etc. ever again. Here they are, all in one.

Computer Problem Report Form
Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.

Error Dialog Haiku
Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? Solon Magazine

Hacker Barbie®
MATTEL announces the latest in their new line of Barbie® products.

HTML Song
You’ve got to code it in H T M L. (To the tune of “YMCA.”)

Installing Love
Steps to becoming a loving person described in terms of installing a computer program on a PC.

The Last Page of the Internet
Thank you for visiting the End of the Internet. There are no more links.

Milpitas Role in Telecom History
Silva has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Milpitas had already gone wireless.

Original Trojan Horse Warning
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra–it looks legit.

The Origin Of The Internet
And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

Pie Throwing Trend in Milpitas
“… java virtual machine …” – WHAM – call the dry cleaners.

Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along
Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’, From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’, I’m happy although my boss let me go Happily addicted to the Web.

You Know You Live in Milpitas When…
You make over $250,000 and still can’t afford a house.

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Animal Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Beware of Bears
The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Yosemite, Tahoe, and Northern Sierra areas.

Christmas Riddles, Puns and Jokes 
Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit? They both drop their needles.

An Engineer Calculates Santa’s Trip
No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer.

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

How We Know Santa’s Reindeer Are Female
Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

In My Next Life I Want To Be A Bear
If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Milpitas Cowboy’s Guide to Life
Don’t squat with your spurs on.

Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died
… so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one.

Original Trojan Horse Warning
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra–it looks legit.

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race
…and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

Rudolf, The Red
An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

Stop complaining! You need to keep it on.
2019 Stop complaining! You need to keep it on. It’s for your own good. 2020 Dog grins at master wearing face mask.

Taking a Load of Penguins to the Zoo
Penguins get a lift to the zoo. (Links about penguins and places to see them.)

What Does The Frog Say?
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

When Riding a Dead Horse
When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

Where Do Pets Come From?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer: “Where do pets come from?”

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Amazing Facts – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

All the Urban Legends Rolled Into One
No need to read all those other urban legends, etc. ever again. Here they are, all in one.

Biggest Lies
Campaign financing has nothing to do with how I vote.

Breaking News Joke
Women age 30-59 are most likely to carry CORONOVIRUS without symptoms! The local spas and wineries are the designated local quarantine centers.

Camping With Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip in the Sunol Regional Wilderness. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”

Coronavirus Quarantine Travel Puns
*Oman*, I really can’t wait to *Rome* around. *Venice* this going to get over? You can’t say when this lockdown will be over, *Kenya*? This *Spain* is real.

Densa IQ Test
You’ve heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with IQ’s of 140 and above?

Determining the Height of a Tall Building
Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.

Everyday Maxims
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Excellent Advice I’ve Learned From Watching Scary Movies
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

How Poor We Really Are
One day a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were.

Kids Talk About God & Their Mother
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We’re related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

New Vocabulary Words
Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Other People
Have you ever thought any of these statement ever applied to “other people” who were not like you?

Put on your groaning face…. More puns.
More puns-A pun has not completely matured until it is full groan. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Relative Importance in 2020 So Far
The most accurate graph I’ve seen during this pandemic!

Rules for Writing the Blues
Blues can take place in New York City but not in Milpitas or any place in Canada. Hard times in Milpitas or Mountain View is probably just clinical depression.

Science Explained By Children
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.

Short History of Medicine
I have an earache: 2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Java
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

US Standard Railroad Gauge
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 ft 8 1/2 in (1.44 m). That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Value of Time
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who has failed his exam.

Warnings & Instructions
On a package of bread-pudding mix: Product will be hot after heating.

Ways to Really Annoy Telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

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