A pun has not completely matured until it is full groan. How does Moses make his tea?Hebrews it. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. I changed my iPod‘s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now. Jokes about German sausages are the wurst. I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore. When chemists die, apparently they barium. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble. Broken pencils are pretty much pointless. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Velcro – what a rip off!
What do you get if you cross a Yule Log with a duck? A Fire Quacker
Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.
How do Mexican sheep say Merry Christmas? “Fleece Navidad.”
Who is Round John Virgin? One of the twelve opossums.
Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the Christmas season are: “Peace on Earth”, “Goodwill to Men” and “Batteries not included.”
Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs? Santa Paws
If Santa rode a motorcycle, what kind would it be? A Holly Davidson.
Christmess: Five minutes after the gifts are opened.
What is special about the Christmas alphabet? There’s NO EL.
What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month? The letter “D”.
What did Adam told his girlfriend on December 24th? “It’s Christmas! Eve.”
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
How is a cat on the beach like Christmas? He’s got Sandy Paws.
What did the guest sing at Eskimo’s Christmas party? Freeze a jolly good fellow.
What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs? Anything you want. He can’t hear you!
What do reindeer have that no other animals on earth have? Baby reindeer.
What do you call a chicken at the North Pole? Lost.
Whose Christmas parties are full of screams? Dracula’s.
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!
How does Mickey Mouse get around during the winter? Mice skates.
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missile-Toe.
Where does Frosty the Snowman keep his money? In a snow bank.
What happened when Santa’s cat swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens.
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Kringle.
Did you know that all the angels in Jesus’ heavenly choir had the same name? Sure, haven’t you ever heard the song, “Hark, the Harold Angels Sing”?
What is Santa’s favorite breakfast cereal? Frosted Flakes.
What is Frosty’s favorite breakfast cereal? Snow Flakes.
Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit? They both drop their needles.
How does Santa Claus take pictures? With a North Pole-aroid camera.
Where is the best place to put your Christmas tree? After your Christmas one and your Christmas two.
What would a Japanese tourist in Alaska wear? An Eskimono.
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws.
What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes? A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)
What is red and white and goes up and down and up and down? Santa Claus stuck in an elevator.
Why is Santa a good race car driver? Because he’s always in the pole position.
Who carries all of Santa’s books? His books elf. (book shelf)
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa? Claus-trophobic.
What’s red and green and guides Santa’s sleigh? Rudolph the red-nosed pickle.
What do elves learn in homeschool? The elf-abet.
What do you call a polar bear that steals icebergs from other polar bears? An ice-burglar.
How do you know if there is a reindeer in your refrigerator? The hoof prints in the butter!
Why does Santa Claus have three gardens? So he can Ho-Ho-Ho.
How does Father Christmas climb up a chimney? He uses a ladder in the stocking!
What happens when Frosty the Snowman gets dandruff? He gets snowflakes.
What kind of food do you get when you cross a blizzard with a polar bear? A brrr-grrr! (burger)
What’s red and white and red and white and red and white? Santa Claus rolling down a hill.
What did the sheep say to the shepherd? Seasons Bleatings!
Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? It’s true! Comet cleans sinks!
Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous? Holly-wood.
What does Frosty the Snowman take when he gets sick? A chill pill.
What does Santa Claus use when he goes skiing? A North Pole.
What do you call a cow at the North Pole? An Eski-moo.
If I’m standing at the North Pole, facing the South Pole, and the East is on my left hand, what’s on my right hand? Fingers!
Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean? Because snow man is an island.
I know, I know. I know that people say, “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift… but couldn’t people think a little bigger?
Sometimes I get the feeling that if Christmas, Father’s Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist!
Santa Claus is a jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”
My friend, Rick, is a paramedic here in Miami. A few years ago he answered a call about a man who had a head injury he got when some teenagers were throwing eggs at cars. It seems that the egg had come through the open window of the man’s car as he was driving at about 45 mph. He had a large swelling on his forehead. In the official report, Rick described the incident as an “egg-noggin.”
Billy: How come you never hear anything about the tenth reindeer, Olive? Tilly: Olive? Billy: Yeah, you know… Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names…
The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts. With purchases little and large, she doesn’t believe in Santa Claus… But she believes in Master Charge!
A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he just had to tell his parents: “I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!” And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around.”
My mate got their covid vaccine yesterday and I can tell you the most prominent side effect is the inability to shut up about getting the covid vaccine.
Scientists looking at data for the Oxford Vaccine: “Might – MIGHT – increase risk of blood clots. Pause all use immediately!
Scientists looking at data about blood clots in women and the contraceptive pill over 60 years: Deal with it!
Introvert looking at the Vaccine knowing lockdown will end soon.
Imagine being a scientist, studying for years, working even more, discovering a vaccine for a new disease, rigorously testing it, producing all the data, getting it through peer review, and then being told the public won’t trust it until they hear the phrase…
“Biggins is in!”
En español | More than 245 million Americans have rolled up their sleeves for the coronavirus vaccines, but still a significant share of the eligible population (about 40 percent) is not fully vaccinated.
A big reason: False information spread online and in person has persuaded many people to skip the shot. In fact, a 2021 Kaiser Family Foundation report found about 80 percent of adults who say they will “definitely not” get the vaccine believe or are unsure about at least one prevailing COVID-19 vaccine myth. And a majority of adults (54 percent) either believe some rampant misinformation about the COVID-19 vaccines or are unable to debunk it.
Facts are especially important as new COVID-19 cases, hospitalizations and deaths climb throughout the U.S., driven largely by the highly contagious delta and omicron variants. Here are some common coronavirus vaccine myths and the truth behind each one.
Note to those wondering why a “booze” joke is on a community website
To those in the Temperance Union: You will notice, if you go through the links on my page, that links for “whiskey” lead to information about the Whiskey Rebellion, the Temperance Movement, the dangers of drinking, and how the distillation of whiskey influenced American and Canadian history, and that the last link to “Throw up…” is to Alcoholics Anonymous 🙂
Sometimes a bit of humor can help a family that is in denial find the resources they need to cope with alcoholism, and get help. I find it does a better job of getting people to AA than attempting to lecture.
You’ll find I do this a lot on my site: just gently persuade adults and children to look a little deeper into matters, but with a gentle, gloved hand and a light heart.
I decided it was time to see how well my seven year old daughter knew the Pledge of Allegiance. We had been to many events that said the pledge at the beginning, but I wasn’t sure how well she knew it. So to begin, I said a phrase and she would repeat it back to me. By the end we were saying it together and she finished with, “…one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all… You may be seated.”
I guess we need some work on this!!!!!!!!
— Contributed by Tom Jollie
Does your youngster have a unique way of saying the Pledge or any country’s national anthem, etc.? Email me, and I’ll post the best here.
Red Skelton’s Commentary on the U.S. Pledge of Allegiance
As a schoolboy in Vincennes, Indiana, one of Red Skelton’s teachers explained the words and meaning of the Pledge of Allegiance to his class. Skelton later wrote down, and eventually recorded, his recollection of this lecture.
I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA, AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS,
ONE NATION, (SPONSORSHIP OPPORTUNITIES AVAILABLE),
INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.
Flag Display
Should you fly the US flag at half staff today? Check the image above. There need be no authorization from the government for the private sector (non-governmental sector) to use the Flag to honor any citizen. Individuals are not acting illegally when using the Flag according to their own usage. Only on government or public buildings are the flag code required to be followed.
The Pledge of Allegiance
Hand in hand with the Red Scare, to which it was inextricably linked, the new religiosity overran Washington. Politicians outbid one another to prove their piety. The campaign to add “under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance was part of this movement.
I’ve never worn a mask before, and it’s becoming comfortable, like a warm blanket of stay-the-hell-away-from-me!
“To accommodate anti-maskers,” reads a store sign, “We have provided a space 40 feet west where you can stare at your reflection in the window since apparently you’re the only person you care about.”
A vintage store in Arizona is going viral for its ominous sign warning guests about wearing masks while inside. “If you choose not to wear a mask, we respectfully ask that you postpone your visit,” the sign reads. “We will be happy to debate the efficacy of masks with you when this is all over and you come in to sell your dead grandmother’s clothes.”
Jason Voorhees Returns to Manhattan In PSA Encouraging New Yorkers to Wear Masks
Masks and the delta variant
Experts are recommending wearing masks again, even for the vaccinated. Here’s why.
At a press conference, Mayor Rich Tran said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. Al-Gebra is a terrorist movement headed by Osum Bin Adden, which has reportedly infiltrated American schools. It began at the undergraduate level and has spread to secondary schools, according to US Attorney General John Ashcroft. Favored targets are said to include homomorphics and people living in polynomial relationships. Academics dismiss the Ashcroft’s accusations as pandering to the lowest common denominator of anti-Arab prejudice.
He did not identify the Milpitas high school teacher, who has been charged by the Milpitas Police with carrying weapons of math instruction.
‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Mayor said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns”; but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every triangle.”
When asked to comment on the arrest, Mayor Tran said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”
Fellow Milpitas Council Members told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by any Milpitas Mayor.
