Jokes

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, “And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.”

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?” And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates‘ drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known “eBay,” he said, “we need a name that reflects what we are,” and Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”

“Whoopee!”, said Abraham.

“No, YAHOO!” said Dot Com… and that is how it all began.

It wasn’t Al Gore after all.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

How many HR Staff Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

One actual HR staff member to change the light bulb.

The second to assess the risk of the light bulb changing process.

A third to ensure the light bulb changing process adheres to the internal compliance regime for health and safety during light bulb changes.

A fourth to ensure that the internal purchase order procedures have been adhered with for light bulb change orders.

A fifth to audit the supply of the light bulb following the internal purchase order procedure.

A sixth to report back to the compliance and risk functions that the supply and audit divisions had complied with the light bulb change risk and compliance procedures.

A seventh to monitor that the light bulb was changed by a member of HR staff who was cleared by the CIPD to be authorised with light bulb changing management.

And an eighth HR staff person being the most important…they are responsible for costing the light bulb changing process and being creative enough to incorporate the pricing of the eight people into their customers’ monthly billing statement without their customer noticing.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke

Thoughts for the Day

Philosopical Jokes

Thoughts to ponder as you begin your day…or at the end of a day when nothing much made sense.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

There are two kinds of pedestrians — the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said “Quit while you’re ahead?”

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . .. not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a videophone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

Get the last word in: Apologize.

Consider which of these thoughts ring true for you.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Animal Jokes

Dogs of Milpitas

How would your dog react to a request to help change a light bulb?

ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and find a more efficient form of lighting — perhaps a fluorescent bulb.

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just “try” to convince him that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done — they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!

BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.

POMERANIANS don’t change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they’re out.

PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No — on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

AFGHAN: Light bulb? What light bulb?

CAT: I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.

SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shibas aren’t afraid of the dark!

SCHIPPERKE: It’s your light bulb — change it yourself. Unless….. Is there food involved??

POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done.

BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get?

WEIMARANER: What?? Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHT BULB?

LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.

BASENJI: LIGHT BULB? We don’t change no stinking light bulbs!

MALAMUTE: Let *him* do it. You can pet me while he’s busy.

BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair…….

AMERICAN BULLDOG: One. JUMP, remove bulb, land. JUMP, replace bulb, land. Two: What bulb, So? We can play in the dark.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “I’ll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can’t we play catch with the tennis ball, or Frisbee — and then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you’re changing the light bulb yourself — you didn’t have to do that — but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that.”

DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.

ROTTWEILER: I’ll change the bulb if I can eat the old one.

CORGI: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!

SPRINGER: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out — then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he’ll rewire the house while he’s at it.

WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What’s it made of, what’s inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about it. You’re not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I’ll change that light bulb!

GERMAN SHEPHERD: “I’m kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap. I’ll add changing the bulb to my “To Do” list….”

DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a treat…… no, you took too long. I want TWO treats and I’ll do it……… No, not that treat, the other kind. Geez………. do I have to do everything? (of course, followed by “the look”.)

IRISH SETTER: It only takes one, but it will put in a really dim bulb.

PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old bulb. Now, let go of old bulb…….. I said LET GO OF BULB! Please???? Let go of the bulb?????? Let go?

GOOD OL’ SOUTHERN HOUND DOG: Huh????

How to Pronounce Milpitas, includes pronunciation video

Milpitas Jokes

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across California and were nearing a town spelled Milpitas. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it – MIL-pit-as; Mil-pit-ASS; Mil-PEET-us?

They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: “My wife and I can’t seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand.”

The waitress looked at him and said: “Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng.”

[Note from your Milpitas Guide: that third pronunciation for this city is the correct one: Mil-PEET-us]

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Milpitas Mom’s’s 25 Worse Puns

25 of the Worse Puns I can think of right now…but wait! There are more!

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Milpitas bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Even worse puns.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

My Mother Taught Me

My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”

My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX…
“How do you think you got here?”

My mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You are just like your father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING…
You are going to get it when we get home.

And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE
“One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you’ll see what it’s like.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Densa IQ Test

Amazing Facts

You’ve heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with IQ’s of 140 and above? Well this test is similar, it’s from DENSA and it’s a lot more fun.

Here’s the quiz with the answers.

Do they have a 4th of July in England? Yes/No
Answer ___ Yes___

How many birthdays does the average man have?
Answer _1, Just one!_

Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
Answer _12, all of them!_

How many outs are there in an inning?
Answer_6, three per side!_

Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister? Yes/No
Answer _No – because he is dead!_

Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
Answer _70, (30 divided by 1/2 equals 60!)_

If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
Answer _2, you took them, remember?_

A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half an hour. How many minutes would the pills last?
Answer _60. Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd._

A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
Answer _9 (If 8 out of 17 die, all but 9 die, eh?)_

How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
Answer _Zero … it wasn’t Moses … it was Noah_

A clerk in the butcher shop is 5′ 10″ tall. What does he weigh?
Answer _Meat, a butcher weighs meat!_

How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
Answer _12. There are 12-2cent stamps in a dozen!_

A plane crashes on the Canadian – US border. In which country do you bury the survivors?
Answer _The survivors would probably rather wait until they die to be buried!_

What is the least amount of coins it takes to make 55 cents if one of the coins is a quarter?
Answer _Three coins. One is a quarter, the other is a quarter and also a nickel._