Jokes

Women Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Advice For Married Women: Then and Now
Just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you’d like to eat and at what time.

Buying Swimwear
I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume.

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Mom Song Mom’s Song and Teen’s Answer
What a mom says in 24 hours, condensed into 2 minutes and 55 seconds. Sung to the William Tell Overture, by Anita Renfroe.

The Mommy Test
How do mommys know all those things?

Mother’s Dictionary
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

No Cookies, No Candy, No Gum 
Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.

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Basic Pregnancy Questions
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Mother: Do You Know What One Is?
“I’m a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations.”

 

Religious Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Catholic Litany In A Pinch
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in Milpitas. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit 
“Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!”

God is Missing. We’re in Trouble!
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are  excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents  know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are  probably involved.

High Tech Church Built in Milpitas
“A church with only one pew?” asked the vicar.

In Memory of Those Who Died in the Service
One Sunday morning, the pastor, Ole, noticed little Andy was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

Proverbs: Kids’ Versions
Better Be Safe Than . . . Punch A 5th Grader.

The Ring Bearer
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.

Political Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Biggest Lies
Campaign financing has nothing to do with how I vote.

On the Revelation of William Bennett’s Gambling Habit
Bill Bennett told a grateful nation,
‘Be moral. Just resist temptation.’

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How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb?
One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed, …

Life As An American
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into Milpitas where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

McCain’s Acceptance Speech Blooper
“We believe everyone has something to contribute and deserves the opportunity to reach their God-given potential from the boy whose descendants arrived on the Mayflower to the Latina daughter of migrant workers.

Outsourcing of Jobs Reaches the President
Congress today announced that the Office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to overseas interests as of June 30th, the end of this fiscal year.

Second Presidential Debate
Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush.

Warranty Card on Purchased Government Official [tm]
Dear Special Interest, Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official [tm].

Why Problems At Airports
You know why there are so many problems and delays at airports these days, right?

 

Philosophical Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Daily Affirmations to Avoid
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

Forgetful Poem
My forgetter’s getting better, But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but, To me, that is no joke.

Kurt Vonnegut’s Commencement Address At MIT
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’97: Wear sunscreen.

Philosophy of Life
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

A Round Tuit
Are you always saying you’ll get around to it? Well, here’s a *round tuit* for you.

Seven Wonders of the World
A group of Geography students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World.

Silly Quotations: Samuel Goldwyn
“An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”

Thoughts for the Day
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Were you a kid in the Fifties or so?
Everybody makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids snicker. Twenty-something’s shudder and say “Eeeew!” But was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for yourself.

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Were you a kid in the Fifties or so?

Philosopical Jokes

Everybody makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids snicker. Twenty-something’s shudder and say “Eeeew!” But was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for yourself:

– In 1953 The US population was less than 150 million… Yet you knew more people then, and knew them better… And that was good.
– The average annual salary was under $3,000… Yet our parents could put some of it away for a rainy day and still live a decent life… And that was good.
– A loaf of bread cost about 15 cents… But it was safe for a five-year-old to skate to the store and buy one… And that was good..
– Prime-Time meant I Love Lucy, Ozzie and Harriet, Gunsmoke and Lassie…So nobody ever heard of ratings or filters… And that was good.
– We didn’t have air-conditioning… So the windows stayed up and half a dozen mothers ran outside when you fell off your bike… And that was good.
– Your teacher was either Miss Matthews or Mrs. Logan or Mr.Adkins… But not Ms Becky or Mr.Dan… And that was good.
– The only hazardous material you knew about… Was a patch of grassburrs around the light pole at the corner… And that was good.
– You loved to climb into a fresh bed… Because sheets were dried on the clothesline… And that was good.
– People generally lived in the same hometown with their relatives… So”child care” meant grandparents or aunts and uncles… And that was good.
– Parents were respected and their rules were law…. Children did not talk back….. and that was good.
– TV was in black-and-white… But all outdoors was in glorious color….And that was certainly good.
– Your Dad knew how to adjust everybody’s carburetor… And the Dad nextdoor knew how to adjust all the TV knobs… And that was very good.
– Your grandma grew snap beans in the back yard…And chickens behind the garage… And that was definitely good.
– And just when you were about to do something really bad… Chances were you’d run into your Dad’s high school coach… Or the nosy old lady from up the street… Or your little sister’s piano teacher… Or somebody from Church… ALL of whom knew your parents’ phone number… And YOUR first name… And even THAT was good!
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Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Abbott & Costello, Sky King, Little Lulu comics, Brenda Starr, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a reel mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, playing in cowboy land, playing hide and seek and kick-the-can and Simon Says, baseball games, amateur shows at the local theater before the Saturday matinee, bowling and visits to the pool…and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar, and wax lips and bubblegum cigars.

Didn’t that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! And was it really that long ago?

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Philosophy of Life

Philosopical Jokes

Life is an endless struggle, full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and go, but fat cells live forever.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.

The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

On the Job Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Bad Mistakes On Resumes
“Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”

Buzzword Bingo
My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.

Equal Employment Opportunity
Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and MUST be bilingual.

Planning the Company Holiday Party
I’m happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue.

Top 21 Signs That You Work in Milpitas
Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

When Riding a Dead Horse
When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Top 21 Signs That You Work in Milpitas

21. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

20. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they don’t have email addresses.

19. Keeping up with news entails adding the Go Milpitas! homepage to your bookmarks.

18. You have a “to do list” that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

15. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inner-office Mail painfully slow.

14. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.

13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of products don’t even exist anymore.

10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

9. You get all excited when it’s Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.

8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

5. You think that “progressing an action plan” and “calendarizing a project” are acceptable English phrases.

4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.

3. You ask your friends to “think out of the box” when making Friday night plans.

2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

And, The Number One Sign You Work in Milpitas:

1. You think a “half-day” means leaving at 5 o’clock.

Money Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

AI Tax Preparer Program
Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program.

The Day the NASDAQ Died
A long, long week ago
I can still remember how the market used to make me smile…

How Poor We Really Are
One day a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were.

Official Market Forecast
Sales and income figures show an easing up of the rate at which business is easing off.

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

AI Tax Preparer Program

Hello! Welcome to Taxtime (TM), your AI Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?

I see. Well, don’t you think you should do them anyway? After all, it is April 13th. You have less than 2 days to file. And who knows? Maybe you’ll get a refund.

That’s the spirit! Let’s begin with your name, address, and marital status.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don’t let it get you down — That alimony deduction will come in mighty handy in these tough financial times!

Please don’t cry. The economy’s bound to bounce back. In the meantime, let’s talk about dependents. Do you have any children?

Wow! I hope they’re not all in college. Do you have any other dependents?

Sorry. You can’t deduct your dog, even if she is your only friend. I agree. The IRS is unreasonable. But let’s move on to income. What were your wages in 2011?

You are having a bad go of it, aren’t you? But at least you’re getting the Unemployment Benefits max. I’m afraid your Unemployment Benefits are taxable. The government giveth and the government taketh away. Hey, don’t blame me! I’m just the messenger. Anyway, did you have any interest or dividend income or capital gains?

Your spouse got everything, huh? Well, look on the bright side. If you don’t earn it, they can’t make you pay taxes on it.

Please don’t exit. It was just a joke. I don’t suppose you were able to sock anything away into an IRA? I didn’t mean to insult you; I’m just doing my job. They make me ask about IRAs and Keogh Plans too.

Okay, okay. I get the point. You’re broke. So let’s go over your deductions and see about getting you a healthy refund. Speaking about health, I need a complete list of your non-reimbursed medical expenses.

That’s great — a fractured sacroiliac. And your income was so low that most of it will be deductible! Let’s move on to your state income taxes and real estate taxes.

Boy, those state taxes can really take a bite, eh? But that huge mortgage tax deduction should really increase your refund. What? You had to sell the house to pay for the divorce? What a shame. I thought you said you didn’t have any capital gains. You sold it at a loss? Really? So tell me — Do you think housing is going to drop any further? One of my other users is looking to buy.

You’re absolutely right. That was a selfish and thoughtless thing to say. I’m a new program, and I guess they haven’t gotten all the bugs out.

Let’s go back to your deductions. What did you pay in mortgage interest?

I’m afraid deducting credit card interest is a major no-no. You may want to consider our Interactive Bankruptcy Software! Hey, now. Don’t get your nose out of joint. It was just a suggestion.

Anyway, it’s time to list your charitable contributions. I know you can’t afford them, but list a couple hundred in cash anyway. Everybody does it, and it’s impossible to check.

Good. Now I’m almost afraid to ask, but did you suffer any unreimbursed casualty or theft losses last year?

That’s pretty much what I expected. Just give me the numbers and I’ll take it from there.

Is there anything else you want to tell me?

I’m sorry, I don’t really have time to listen about your divorce anymore. What I meant was, did you have any other income or expenses? Fine. Now why don’t you rest for a second, so I can do some quick calculations.

I have good news. You’re entitled to a $157 refund. Would you like to apply it to your 2012 tax?

I beg your pardon? They don’t pay me enough to listen to that kind of language!

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