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Jokes

How We Know Santa’s Reindeer Are Female

Animal Jokes

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring; therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer–every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen–had to be a girl.

We should’ve known.

Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Maxims of Old Age


1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Senior Center Information

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Halloween Riddles

About a 100 Halloween Riddles to tickle your Funny Bone.

Ghost Riddles

Why do ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos.
What is in a ghost’s nose? Boo-gers.
Why did the policeman ticket the ghost on Halloween? It didn’t have a haunting license.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend!
What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!
What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert? I-Scream!
Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
How do ghosts wash their hair? With shamboo.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
What room does a ghost not need? A living room.
What position does a ghost play in hockey? Ghoulie.
What kinds of pants do ghosts wear? Boo-jeans.
What instrument does a skeleton play? The trombone.
Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers!
What is a ghost’s nose full of? Boooooogers!
What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurred? Spooktacles.
Who did the scary ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up!
Where do ghosts go on holidays? The Boohamas.
What did one ghost recommend to the other? Get a life!
Where do fashionable ghosts shop? Bootiques.
Where do ghosts like to travel on vacation? The Dead Sea!
What do skeletons fly around in? A scareplane or a skelecopter.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? Don’t cry! I didn’t mean to scare you.
Why are ghosts so bad at telling lies? Because you can see right through them.
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost as they drove down the street? Buckle your sheet belt!
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us.
Why do ghosts hate when it rains on Halloween? It dampens their spirits.
Why do ghosts make the best cheerleaders? Because they have spirit.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.
Why do ghosts love going to Six Flaggs? Because they can ride lots of roller-GHOST-ers.
What is a ghost’s favourite meal? Spook-ghetti.
What do female ghosts use to do their makeup? Vanishing Cream!

Ghouls’ & Monsters’ Riddles

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
What do demons eat for breakfast? Deviled eggs.
What’s the best way to get rid of a demon? Exorcise a lot.
What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.
What’s a ghoul’s favourite bean? A human bean.
Why did the headless horseman go into business? He wanted to get ahead in life.
What monster plays tricks on Halloween? Prank-enstein!
Why does Frankenstein’s Monster always finish his dinner first? Because he bolts it down.
What’s big, scary and has three wheels? A monster riding a tricycle!
What goes “Ha-ha-ha-ha!” right before a gigantic sounding crash and then keeps laughing? A monster laughing it’s head off!
Who do monsters buy cookies from? Ghoul scouts.
What kind of monster is the best dancer? The boogieman.
How do monsters like their eggs? Terror-fried.
What do you call female bullies? Mean ghouls.
How does a race between ghouls begin? Ready, set,… ghoul!

Graveyard Riddles

Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story? Because there are so many plots there!
Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin.
Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin.
What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A grave problem.
Have you heard how popular the local cemetery is? People are just dying to get in.
Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.
The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. What is it? A coffin.
What do you give a vampire when he’s sick? Coffin-drops.
Where is the best place to party on Halloween? The g-RAVE-yard.
What is a recess at a mortuary called? A Coffin Break!
How do you get inside a locked cemetery at night? Use a Skeleton Key to unlock the gates!
Did you hear about the chopper that crashed in the cemetery? Search and rescue workers have recovered 100 bodies and expect that number to climb as digging continues.

Halloween Riddles

What type of plants do well on all Hallow’s Eve? Bam-BOO!
When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat? If you are a mouse.
What time is it when the clock strikes 13? Time to get a new clock.
How do ghosts search the Web? They use ghoul-gle.
Why didn’t the coffee bean go to the Halloween party? Because it was grounded.
Why are all of Superman’s costumes tight? They’re all size S.

Halloween At 1949 Grand Teton

Haunted House Riddles

What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? The house was repossessed.
What goes around a haunted house and never stops? A fence.
How does a vampire enter his house? Through the bat flap!
What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A grave problem.
What do you call a chicken that haunts your house? A poultrygeist.

Mummy Riddles

Why don’t mummies take time off? They’re afraid to unwind.
What kind of music do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music.
Why don’t mummies have friends? Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.
Why did the baby wrap itself in white cloth strips? It was just trying to be just like its mummy.

Spinning PumpkinPumpkin Riddles

Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road safely? The crossing gourd.
How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? A pumpkin patch.
What does a pumpkin like to read? Pulp fiction.
What do you call a fat pumpkin? A plumpkin.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles? Because they just had their brains scooped out!

Skeleton Riddles

Why do skeletons have low self-esteem? They have no body to love.
Know why skeletons are so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call a cleaning skeleton? The grim sweeper.
What do skeletons order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to school? His heart wasn’t in it.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no “body” to dance with.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have the guts.
The skeleton couldn’t help being afraid of the storm—he just didn’t have any guts.
The skeleton didn’t mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree? Because a dog was after his bones!
What’s a skeleton’s favorite instrument? A sax-a-bone.
The skeleton canceled the gallery showing of his skull-ptures because his heart wasn’t in it.
What type of plates do skeletons like to use? Bone china.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees? They’re LUMBARjacks!
The skeleton decided to bone up on the facts for the big exam.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body.
Every Sunday, the skeleton plays his organ for the congregation.
The favored historical ruler of skeletons is none other than Napoleon Bone-a-part.
The skeleton knew what would happen next—he could just feel it in his bones.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn’t have one.
I wanted to tell a skeleton pun, but I don’t have the guts for it.
When is a skeleton joke bad? When you don’t find it humerus.

Trick or Treat Riddles

What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween? Candy corneas.
What did the little boy say when she had to choose between a tricycle and candy? Trike or Treat!
What candy do you eat on the playground? Recess pieces.
What do birds say on Halloween? Twick or Tweet!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Phillip! Phillip who? Phillip my bag with Halloween candy, please!
What did the fisherman say on Halloween? Trick or trout.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Howl! Howl who? Howl you know unless you open the door!
Where do ghosts like to trick-or-treat? Dead ends.
Knock, Knock… Who’s there? Ben! Ben who? Ben waiting to get candy all day!
What did the girl horse dress up as for Halloween? A night mare.
What Halloween candy should you give trick-or-treaters if you want them to think you’re rich? A 100 grand candy bar

Vampire Riddles

What did the snowman and the vampire name their baby? Frostbite.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
How do vampires get around on Halloween? On blood vessels.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire? It’s a pain in the neck.
How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Why don’t vampires have more friends? Because they are a pain in the neck.
What do you give a vampire when he’s sick? Coffin-drops.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit? A blood orange.
What kind of dog does Dracula have? A blood hound.
Where do vampires keep their money? The blood bank.
What kind of tests do vampires give their students? Blood tests.
What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires? Fangs-giving!
Knock Knock! Who’s there? Cement. Cement who? Cement to scream when she saw Dracula but she fainted instead!
What did one thirsty vampire say to the other as they were passing the morgue? Let’s stop in for a cool one!
What is a vampire’s pet peeve? A Tourniquet!
How does a vampire enter his house? Through the bat flap!
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit? A neck-tarine.
Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift? Because she had bad blood.
How do vampires start their letters? “Tomb it may concern…”
What is it called when Dracula rearranges his furniture with his teeth? Fang-shui
What do you call a really good vampire riddle? Fangastic.

Witch Riddles

What do you call a witch’s garage? A broom closet.
What kind of food would you find on a haunted beach? A sand-witch!
What was the witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling.
What do you call two witches who live together? Broom-mates!
What’s a witch’s favorite makeup? Ma-scare-a.
What does a witch use to do her hair? Scarespray!
What do you call a witch who goes to the beach? A sand-witch.
Why was the broom late? It over swept.
What sound do witches make when they eat cereal? Snap, Cackle & Pop!
Knock, Knock… Who’s there? Witch! Witch who? Witch one of you will give me lots of Halloween candy?
What did the boy say to his bewitching girl friend? “You’ve got me under your spell.”

Zombie Riddles

Why did the zombie skip school? He felt rotten.
What is a zombie’s favorite thing to eat? Brain food.
What’s a zombie’s favorite cereal? Rice Creepies.
How do you know vampires love baseball? They turn into bats every night.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

How Many Facebook Users Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

There’s a lot of truth wrapped up in the humour here!
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in the Go Milpitas Facebook Group?
Welcome to Go Milpitas Group

• 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
• 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
• 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
• 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
• 6 to argue over whether it’s ‘lightbulb’ or ‘light bulb’.
• Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
• 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jackasses.
• 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is ‘lamp’.
• 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that ‘light bulb’ is perfectly correct.
• 249 to post memes and gifs (several are of someone eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)
• 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
• 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
• 12 to post F.
• 8 to ask what F means.
• 16 to post ‘Following’ but there’s 3 dots at the top right that means you don’t have to.
• 3 to say “can’t share”
• 2 to reply “can’t share from a closed group”
• 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
• 15 People to post “I can’t see S$%^!” and use their own light bulbs.
• 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said “f÷×$”
• 4 to say “Didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”.
• 13 to say “Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”.
• 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn’t the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.
• 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
• 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
• 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
… and all the time, I just wanted to see cute pet and kid photos.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Other People

Amazing Facts

Have you ever thought any of these statement ever applied to “other people” who were not like you?

Join the crowd. These same stereotypes have been applied to “other people” for at least 400 years!

  • They are over-sexed
  • They are good lovers, better than you are anyway
  • They will seduce your spouse away from you
  • They will rape
  • They will pillage, steal from you, terrorize you
  • They will take your children either mentally or physically
  • They are greedy “gold diggers” and will force you into giving them your wealth
  • They are drunks and drug addicts
  • They have weird, superstitious beliefs
  • They are gullible, will believe anything you tell them
  • They are musical, but in a strange way
  • They are great dancers, have “rhythm”
  • They are super strong or very weak
  • They aren’t very smart, aren’t easy to educate
  • They are good at sports, but unsportsmanlike
  • They are unclean, disease ridden
  • They are fat, but jolly and humorous, or the opposite, thin, solemn and somber
  • They have bad teeth
  • They are lazy–or hard workers
  • They are fine for some jobs but not others
  • They are impoverished, poor, or overbearingly rich with ill-gotten gains
  • They eat far too much of specific foods
  • They wear odd clothing
  • They have strange hairdos
  • They wear overly bright colored clothing
  • They aren’t safe with weapons
  • They have mental or physical health issues
  • They are child-like, behave immaturely
  • They will damage your home
  • They have unusual relationships with animals
  • They should go away and leave us decent folks alone

OK. How many of these have you ever heard applied to:

  • Other gender not yours? Women of Men, Men of Women. Any of LBQTQ?
  • Teenagers, toddlers, or for that matter, the elderly
  • Anyone a different race than yourself
  • Anyone with a religion different from yours
  • Someone in the “other” political party
  • People with skin color different than yours
  • People from a different culture
  • People with a very different lifestyle than yours

Don’t you think it is time we stop stereotyping other people?

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

No Cookies, No Candy, No Gum

Women Jokes

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her “no.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Ellen, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, “Ellen, we’ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…”

The mother broke in, “My little girl’s name is Tammy… I’m Ellen.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Milk With A Little Coffee In It

Milpitas Jokes

This story takes a little background; the names have been changed to protect the guilty. Ian works in a little coffee, chai, and sandwich place in Milpitas. Peter is his boss and the owner of the shop, and yes, this actually happened. Ian is telling the story.

A special presentation of the “Stupid Award” goes to this customer. Below is an approximate conversation with her.

Customer: Yes, I’d like a milk with some coffee in it.

Ian: So, that’s just a splash of coffee in a milk?

Customer: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.

Ian: Is there more milk or coffee?

Customer: Oh, definitely more coffee.

Ian: So that’s a coffee with some extra milk.

Customer: Just the usual amount of milk.

Ian: A coffee with milk.

Customer: Yes.

Ian: Anything else?

Customer: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?

Ian: We do have decaf.

Customer: No, I don’t want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.

Ian: Ma’am, that’s what decaf means, no caffeine.

Customer: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?

Ian: Milk doesn’t come with caffeine.

Customer: Yes it does.

Ian: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?

Customer: It doesn’t say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine.

Ian: Oh, you’re right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?

Customer: Do you have any bagels?

Peter (who has been listening all along): I’m sorry, ma’am, we’re all out of decaf bagels.

Customer: Oh, well, then I’ll have one of those, with sesame seeds.

Peter: We’re all out, ma’am.

Customer: Well what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)

Peter: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.

Customer: I guess I’ll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards?

Ian: No ma’am, cash only.

Customer: What about visa?

Ian: Is that a credit card?

Customer: Well, yes.

Peter: Is it cash?

Customer: No.

Peter: Then no, we can’t take it.

Customer: What about checks?

Ian: Cash ma’am, nothing else.

Customer: O.K. How much is that?

Peter: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.

Customer: Really?

Peter: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that’s hard to find now, had to grow it myself.

Customer: O.K.. (proceeds to write a check)

Peter: Please leave.

Customer: Why?

Peter: You’re raising my blood pressure, leave now.

Customer: But what about my coffee?

Peter: Leave and never return.

She leaves, but pays the $11.45, first ………… I’m serious.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Where’s Waldo? Social Distancing Edition

Covid Jokes

Where's Waldo? Social Distancing Edition

“When I saw the cartoon today, it made me think of how the things we took for granted as a child back then are no longer considered “SAFE.” Not just from an environmental standpoint, but from simple things like social gatherings. I never thought I would live to see the day when the whole country would be in such a state of affairs as exists now with the COVID-19 virus.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes
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