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Tag: <span>Christmas Jokes</span>

Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorites

My favorite jokes found online over the years. Some jokes given a Milpitas twist.

Jokes By Topic

Alphabetical List

Advice For Married Women: Then and Now
Just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you’d like to eat and at what time.

The Addition Game – Will Muppet Win Trip to Milpitas?
Video: If Muppet Harry Monster correctly guesses what 3+1 is, he will win a trip to Milpitas, California.
Education Jokes, Milpitas Jokes

AI Tax Preparer Program
Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program.

All the Urban Legends Rolled Into One
No need to read all those other urban legends, etc. ever again. Here they are, all in one.
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Apartment Hunting With A Large Family 
Father figures out how to get apartment even though he has a large family.

Are we there yet?
Dr. Fauci driving SUV with lots of kids yelling, “Are we there yet?” as approaching “Normal” lane marker.
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Are You Acting Too Much Like a Teacher?
Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

The Art Sold, but …
An artist asked the Yolette, curator at the Community Art and History Museums, if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

Bad Mistakes On Resumes
“Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”

Being A Parent
Being a parent is like being pecked to death by a duck.

Bernie @ Milpitas City Hall
Put Bernie at your place!
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Beware of Bears
The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Yosemite, Tahoe, and Northern Sierra areas.

Biggest Lies
Campaign financing has nothing to do with how I vote.

Breaking News Joke
Women age 30-59 are most likely to carry CORONOVIRUS without symptoms! The local spas and wineries are the designated local quarantine centers.

Buying Swimwear
I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume.
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Buzzword Bingo
My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.

Camping With Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip in the Sunol Regional Wilderness. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”

Catholic Litany In A Pinch
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in Milpitas. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

Christmas Carol Quiz
These are the names of well-known Christmas caroles, rewritten in PC (pretty convoluted). If you like puzzles, try to decipher them.
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Christmas Riddles 
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
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Christmas Riddles, Puns and Jokes 
Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit? They both drop their needles.
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Classes We’d Really Like To See Offered At the Community Center
Self-Improvement, Business/Career, Home Ec, Health & Fitness, Crafts

Computer Problem Report Form
Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.

Coronavirus Quarantine Travel Puns
*Oman*, I really can’t wait to *Rome* around. *Venice* this going to get over? You can’t say when this lockdown will be over, *Kenya*? This *Spain* is real.

Covid Advice for Geeks
COVID advice from Silicon Valley County Health Department, which has been sending out advice in many languages. Seems appropriate they also send it out in code!

Covid-19 BINGO
Usual BINGO rules, with this exception: If any game player sees someone sneeze or cough without a mask and into the open air, the game is over, and the player with most boxes covered wins that round.

Covid-19 is making me crack up!
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

Cultural Differences Explained
This is to help my Asian American and Chicano friends better understand the differences among Anglo cultural groups.

Daily Affirmations to Avoid
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. Also, Affirmations for COVID-19 Anxiety.

Dating in the Time of Coronavirus
We went speed dating on Zoom and found love. You’ve seen the events announcements here for online speed dating, right? So here’s how it works for these singles.
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The Day the NASDAQ Died
A long, long week ago
I can still remember how the market used to make me smile…

Densa IQ Test
You’ve heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with IQ’s of 140 and above?

Determining the Height of a Tall Building
Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.

Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit 
“Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!”

Educator At An Accident
An educator uses her first aid training upon coming upon a bad car accident.

Educator Goes to Milpitas
A beautiful, blonde educator gets on an airplane and sits down in first class.

An Engineer Calculates Santa’s Trip
No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer.
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Equal Employment Opportunity
Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and MUST be bilingual.

Error Dialog Haiku
Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? Solon Magazine

Everyday Maxims
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Excellent Advice I’ve Learned From Watching Scary Movies 
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

Fire at the Semiconductor Plant 
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight.
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Fishermen Catch A Mermaid
Three Homeschool Dads go fishing, catch a mermaid and demand their IQ’s be increased.

Forgetful Poem
My forgetter’s getting better, But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but, To me, that is no joke.

Fruit Cake Recipe
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Put it down somewhere. Check the whiskey again.
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Fun Things To Do While Driving With Kids
Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.

God is Missing. We’re in Trouble! 
If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are  probably involved.
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Greatest Baseball Player in the World
A homeschooling boy was overheard talking to himself, baseball cap in place and toting ball and bat.

Hacker Barbie®
MATTEL announces the latest in their new line of Barbie® products.

Halloween Riddles
About a 100 Halloween Riddles to tickle your Funny Bone.
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High Tech Church Built in Milpitas
“A church with only one pew?” asked the vicar.

Highs and Lows of Wearing Face Masks
Due to the order to wear face masks, some humorous observations have been made.

Hills Meet Their Fate In Milpitas
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Silicon Valley, California; as it happens, in the Milpitas hills.

The History of Math Word Problems
Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Homespun Couple Visit Harvard President
The President of Harvard made a mistake by prejudging people and it cost him dearly.

Homework Policy
Long Term Assignments: These are given the night before they are due.
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Housework Training Courses Now Available For Men
Introduction to Common Household Objects I:
The Mop.
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How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

How Many Facebook Users Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in the Go Milpitas Facebook Group?
Online Life Jokes

How many HR Staff Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
One actual HR staff member to change the light bulb.

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

How Milpitans Do It
Finding Good Deals in Milpitas: Coke 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

How Poor We Really Are
One day a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were.

How to Pronounce This Place
MIL-pit-as; Mil-pit-ASS; Mil-PEET-us?

How We Know Santa’s Reindeer Are Female
Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
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HTML Song
You’ve got to code it in H T M L. (To the tune of “YMCA.”)

I Think Santa Claus is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it.
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I Will Survive, Coronavirus version for teachers going online by Michael Bruening
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to zoom, I know I’ll be alive
My students still will learn
And my paychecks I will earn and I’ll survive…

In Memory of Those Who Died in the Service
One Sunday morning, the pastor, Ole, noticed little Andy was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
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In My Next Life I Want To Be A Bear
If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Installing Love
Steps to becoming a loving person described in terms of installing a computer program on a PC.

An Interview with Santa’s Lawyer
Please state your name and occupation. My name is Marta Pittman, and I’m a partner at the Law Office of Garry Barbadillo.

Is everyone ok?
Everyone check on your friends. We have a rider down.
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Kids Talk About God & Their Mother 
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We’re related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

Kurt Vonnegut’s Commencement Address At MIT
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’97: Wear sunscreen.

The Last Page of the Internet
Thank you for visiting the End of the Internet. There are no more links.

Legoland Discovery Center at Great Mall Reopening
Covid-19 Updates regarding the Lego Discovery Center at the Great Mall in Milpitas.

Letter From A Scout
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.

Letter From Santa
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced.
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Licking Is Totally the Same as Hand-washing, Right?
Me: Did you wash your hands? 4-year-old: No. Me: Why are your hands wet?
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Litter Problem Solved
A few years ago, the City of Milpitas had a litter problem.

Look, I don’t come into your home office and tell you to get out of the tub!
Visual cartoon.
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Man Prays to Swap Life With His Wife
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home, so he prayed.
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Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
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Maxims of Old Age
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it. I run like the winded.
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Maxims to Share
Maxims like: When you ask me what I’m doing today, and I say “Nothing,” it does not mean I’m free. It means I’m doing nothing.
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Milk With A Little Coffee In It
Customer: I’d like a milk with some coffee in it.
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Milpitan Vacations In Rome
A Milpitan walked in to The Park Victoria Barber Shop for his regular haircut.
Milpitas Jokes

Milpitas Cowboy’s Guide to Life
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
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Milpitas High School Teacher Arrested at San Jose Airport
A Milpitas high school teacher was arrested today at Norman Y. Mineta San Jose International Airport as he attempted to board a flight…
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Milpitas Role in Telecom History
Silva has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Milpitas had already gone wireless.
Computing Jokes

Mom Song Mom’s Song and Teen’s Answer
What a mom says in 24 hours, condensed into 2 minutes and 55 seconds. Sung to the William Tell Overture, by Anita Renfroe.

The Mommy Test
How do mommys know all those things?

Mother’s Dictionary
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Mr. Nobody
I know a funny little man, as quiet as a mouse, who does the mischief that is done in everybody’s house!

Mustard
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

Naked Truth about Covid-19 and Sheltering in Place
So we’re into our 5th month of defeating COVID-19. These words made me laugh but there’s a lot of truth mixed in to consider. . .

Neil Diamond vs CDC on Hands, Touching Hands
Neil Diamond: Hands,
CDC: Yes, wash them for at least 20 seconds.
Neil Diamond: touching hands,
CDC: No! Please don’t touch hands!
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Next “Survivor” Show
6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids for 6 weeks.
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New Vocabulary Words
Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Night Before Christmas for Mom
T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode,
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.

No Cookies, No Candy, No Gum 
Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.
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Official Market Forecast
Sales and income figures show an easing up of the rate at which business is easing off.

An Old Man Asks to Talk to President Trump
“I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer President…”

Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died
… so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one.

On the Revelation of William Bennett’s Gambling Habit
Bill Bennett told a grateful nation,
‘Be moral. Just resist temptation.’

Other People
Have you ever thought any of these statement ever applied to “other people” who were not like you?
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Original Trojan Horse Warning
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra–it looks legit.
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The Origin Of The Internet
And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
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Painting the Porch
“How would you like to paint the porch?”
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A Pastor entered his donkey in a race
…and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
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Philosophy of Life
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
Philosophical Jokes

Pie Throwing Trend in Milpitas
“… java virtual machine …” – WHAM – call the dry cleaners.
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Planning the Company Holiday Party 
I’m happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue.
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Pledge of Allegiance
A child’s version of the Pledge, and a link to a site about safety around fireworks.
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Proverbs: Kids’ Versions
Better Be Safe Than . . . Punch A 5th Grader.
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Put on your groaning face…. More puns.
More puns-A pun has not completely matured until it is full groan. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
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Puttin’ on the Hitz
Have you seen the well to do? Up and down Calaveras Avenue?
On that famous thoroughfare, With their noses in the air?

Quarantine Insights One-liners
Whose idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.

A Recap of the First Three Weeks with Covid-19
AMERICA: Oh my god! Coronavirus! What should we do?
CALIFORNIA: Shut down your state.
AMERICA: Wait… what? Why?
CALIFORNIA: Because 40 million people live here and we did it early, and it’s working.
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Recipe For Doing the Family Wash 
Written in its original spelling for a bride a few generations ago.
Family Life Jokes, Women Jokes

Relative Importance in 2020 So Far
The most accurate graph I’ve seen during this pandemic!

Retirement Through the Eyes of a Child
After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following…
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The Ring Bearer
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.

A Round Tuit
Are you always saying you’ll get around to it? Well, here’s a *round tuit* for you.

Rudolf, The Red
An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
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Samuel Goldwyn’s Silly Quotations
“An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”

Santa’s Prayer
The sleigh was all packed, the reindeer were fed,
But Santa still knelt by the side of the bed.
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Santa’s Workshop Bought By Bill Gates – 2020 Version
‘Twas the night before Christmas, When all through the house
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
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Science Explained By Children 
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.
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Seven Wonders of the World
A group of Geography students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World.

Short History of Medicine
I have an earache: 2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Java
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

Silly Quotations: Samuel Goldwyn
“An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”

Siren Sounds
Shoe thief tries to exchange the uncomfortable shoes at Mervyns, and more incredible crimes.

Stop complaining! You need to keep it on.
2019 Stop complaining! You need to keep it on. It’s for your own good. 2020 Dog grins at master wearing face mask.
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Taking a Load of Penguins to the Zoo
Penguins get a lift to the zoo. (Links about penguins and places to see them.)

Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter 
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

There Are No Fish Under The Ice!
A blonde woman notices the popularity of ice fishing in Milpitas, and decides to try it for herself.

This Sound Like City Council?
“When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, …”

Thoughts for the Day
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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The turkey shot out of the oven
The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air, it knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.
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Top 21 Signs That You Work in Milpitas
Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Milpitas Jokes, On the Job Jokes

20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
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US Standard Railroad Gauge
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 ft 8 1/2 in (1.44 m). That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Value of Time
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who has failed his exam.

Wacky Warnings & Instructions
On a package of bread-pudding mix: Product will be hot after heating.

Ways to Confuse Trick-or-Treaters in Milpitas
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs.
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Ways to Really Annoy Telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along
Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’, From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’, I’m happy although my boss let me go Happily addicted to the Web.
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Were you a kid in the Fifties or so?
Everybody makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids snicker. Twenty-something’s shudder and say “Eeeew!” But was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for yourself.
Philosophical Jokes

What Does The Frog Say?
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
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When Riding a Dead Horse
When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
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Where Do Pets Come From?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer: “Where do pets come from?”
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Where’s Waldo? Social Distancing Edition
When I saw the cartoon today, it made me think of how the things we took for granted as a child back then are no longer considered “SAFE.”
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William Shakespeare Gets His Covid Vaccine
William Shakespeare becomes the 2nd person to receive the Pfizer-BioNTech #COVID19 vaccine (outside of a trial) in Coventry, England; jokes start.
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You Know You Live in Milpitas When…
You make $120,000 a year, but can’t find a place to live.
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You Might Teach At Middle School If…
You can converse in middle schoolese. You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt licks. You have no life from August through June.
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Fruit Cake Recipe

 

“Fruit cakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage a fruit cake.” – Dave Barry

Real Fruit Cake Recipes Below
California Recipes on Go Milpitas
Note to those wondering why a “booze” joke is on a homeschool site

You’ll need the following:

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Put it down somewhere.

Check the whiskey again.

To be sure it’s the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in that large, fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay.

Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer! It’s splattered dough everywhere!

Beat two leggs and add to the fluffy bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the tuner.

If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity… Whew is it hot in here ?

Okay.. Next, sift two cups of salt… or something.

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon … urp … juice and strain your sugar or something … Who cares? Whatever the heck you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Check the whishkey again.

Throw up in the bowl and go to bed.

Happy Holidays

Real Fruit Cake Recipes

My apologies to all those who came here from a search engine expecting a real fruit cake recipe. Here are some real fruit cake recipe sites…

Note to those wondering why a “booze” joke is on a community website

To those in the Temperance Union: You will notice, if you go through the links on my page, that links for “whiskey” lead to information about the Whiskey Rebellion, the Temperance Movement, the dangers of drinking, and how the distillation of whiskey influenced American and Canadian history, and that the last link to “Throw up…” is to Alcoholics Anonymous 🙂

Sometimes a bit of humor can help a family that is in denial find the resources they need to cope with alcoholism, and get help. I find it does a better job of getting people to AA than attempting to lecture.

You’ll find I do this a lot on my site: just gently persuade adults and children to look a little deeper into matters, but with a gentle, gloved hand and a light heart.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Christmas Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Christmas Carol Quiz
These are the names of well-known Christmas caroles, rewritten in PC (pretty convoluted). If you like puzzles, try to decipher them.

Christmas Riddles 
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?

Christmas Riddles, Puns and Jokes 
Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit? They both drop their needles.

An Engineer Calculates Santa’s Trip
No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer.

Fruit Cake Recipe
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Put it down somewhere. Check the whiskey again.

How We Know Santa’s Reindeer Are Female
Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

I Think Santa Claus is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it.

An Interview with Santa’s Lawyer
Please state your name and occupation. My name is Marta Pittman, and I’m a partner at the Law Office of Garry Barbadillo.

Letter From Santa
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced.

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

Night Before Christmas for Mom
T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode,
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.

Planning the Company Holiday Party 
I’m happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue.

Rudolf, The Red
An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

Santa’s Prayer
The sleigh was all packed, the reindeer were fed,
But Santa still knelt by the side of the bed.

Santa’s Workshop Bought By Bill Gates – 2020 Version
‘Twas the night before Christmas, When all through the house
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along
Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’, From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’, I’m happy although my boss let me go Happily addicted to the Web.

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

  • in Jokes

Christmas Riddles, Puns and Jokes

Animal Jokes

Milpitas Mom’s favorite Christmas riddles, puns, and jokes.

  • What do reindeer say before they tell a joke? This will sleigh you.
  • Why was the elf afraid of being in a small room with Santa? He was Claus-trophobic.
  • What is Santa’s primary language? North Polish.
  • What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
  • James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus. It is titled The Deer Sleigher.
  • Where does Santa go swimming? The North Pool.
  • How do Santa and Mrs. Claus get around? On an icicle built for two.
  • What does Santa like best about gardening? He loves to Ho, Ho, Hoe!
  • Which elf sings “Love me tender?” Santa’s little Elvis!
  • Scrooge loves all the reindeer equally, because every buck is dear to him.
  • Santa’s sleigh jingles too much. He won’t win the No Bell Prize!
  • Does Santa have any money? No. That is why they call him Saint Nickeless.
  • Why does Santa like to go down chimneys? Because it soots him!
  • But isn’t he afraid he’ll get stuck? Yes, he gets Santa Claus-trophobic.
  • Won’t all that soot make him sick? No. He’s had his flue shot.
  • But what if there’s a fire in the fireplace? Santa then becomes Krisp Kringle!
  • Sometimes it gets so cold, Santa gets icicles in his beard. Real chin-chillers, those!
  • What do you get when you cross a sheep with a cicada? Baa Humbug!
  • A webmaster’s favorite hymn? Oh .com all ye faithful!
  • Ah! Christmas! The one day of the year we can all say our children are truly gifted!
  • What do you say to a bad puppy at Christmas? Felix Naughty Dog!
  • Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
  • What does Santa like to eat? A jolly roll
  • Christmas is the time of year when women get Santamental.
  • What playwright was intimidated by Christmas? Noel Coward
  • Christmas is the time of year when mother has to separate the men from the toys.
  • What do you get if you cross a Yule Log with a duck? A Fire Quacker
  • Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.
  • How do Mexican sheep say Merry Christmas? “Fleece Navidad.”
  • Who is Round John Virgin? One of the twelve opossums.
  • Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the Christmas season are: “Peace on Earth”, “Goodwill to Men” and “Batteries not included.”
  • Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs? Santa Paws
  • If Santa rode a motorcycle, what kind would it be? A Holly Davidson.
  • Christmess: Five minutes after the gifts are opened.
  • What is special about the Christmas alphabet? There’s NO EL.
  • What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month? The letter “D”.
  • What did Adam told his girlfriend on December 24th? “It’s Christmas! Eve.”
  • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
  • How is a cat on the beach like Christmas? He’s got Sandy Paws.
  • What did the guest sing at Eskimo’s Christmas party? Freeze a jolly good fellow.
  • What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs? Anything you want. He can’t hear you!
  • What do reindeer have that no other animals on earth have? Baby reindeer.
  • What do you call a chicken at the North Pole? Lost.
  • Whose Christmas parties are full of screams? Dracula’s.
  • Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!
  • How does Mickey Mouse get around during the winter? Mice skates.
  • If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missile-Toe.
  • Where does Frosty the Snowman keep his money? In a snow bank.
  • What happened when Santa’s cat swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens.
  • What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Kringle.
  • Did you know that all the angels in Jesus’ heavenly choir had the same name? Sure, haven’t you ever heard the song, “Hark, the Harold Angels Sing”?
  • What is Santa’s favorite breakfast cereal? Frosted Flakes.
  • What is Frosty’s favorite breakfast cereal? Snow Flakes.
  • Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit? They both drop their needles.
  • How does Santa Claus take pictures? With a North Pole-aroid camera.
  • Where is the best place to put your Christmas tree? After your Christmas one and your Christmas two.
  • What would a Japanese tourist in Alaska wear? An Eskimono.
  • Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws.
  • What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes? A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)
  • What is red and white and goes up and down and up and down? Santa Claus stuck in an elevator.
  • Why is Santa a good race car driver? Because he’s always in the pole position.
  • Who carries all of Santa’s books? His books elf. (book shelf)
  • What do you call people who are afraid of Santa? Claus-trophobic.
  • What’s red and green and guides Santa’s sleigh? Rudolph the red-nosed pickle.
  • What do elves learn in homeschool? The elf-abet.
  • What do you call a polar bear that steals icebergs from other polar bears? An ice-burglar.
  • How do you know if there is a reindeer in your refrigerator? The hoof prints in the butter!
  • Why does Santa Claus have three gardens? So he can Ho-Ho-Ho.
  • How does Father Christmas climb up a chimney? He uses a ladder in the stocking!
  • What happens when Frosty the Snowman gets dandruff? He gets snowflakes.
  • What kind of food do you get when you cross a blizzard with a polar bear? A brrr-grrr! (burger)
  • What’s red and white and red and white and red and white? Santa Claus rolling down a hill.
  • What did the sheep say to the shepherd? Seasons Bleatings!
  • Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? It’s true! Comet cleans sinks!
  • Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous? Holly-wood.
  • What does Frosty the Snowman take when he gets sick? A chill pill.
  • What does Santa Claus use when he goes skiing? A North Pole.
  • What do you call a cow at the North Pole? An Eski-moo.
  • If I’m standing at the North Pole, facing the South Pole, and the East is on my left hand, what’s on my right hand? Fingers!
  • Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean? Because snow man is an island.
  • I know, I know. I know that people say, “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift… but couldn’t people think a little bigger?
  • Sometimes I get the feeling that if Christmas, Father’s Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist!
  • Santa Claus is a jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”
  • My friend, Rick, is a paramedic here in Miami. A few years ago he answered a call about a man who had a head injury he got when some teenagers were throwing eggs at cars. It seems that the egg had come through the open window of the man’s car as he was driving at about 45 mph. He had a large swelling on his forehead. In the official report, Rick described the incident as an “egg-noggin.”
  • Billy: How come you never hear anything about the tenth reindeer, Olive? Tilly: Olive? Billy: Yeah, you know… Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names…
  • The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts. With purchases little and large, she doesn’t believe in Santa Claus… But she believes in Master Charge!
  • A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he just had to tell his parents: “I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!” And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

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Rudolf, The Red, Knows Rain, Dear

Animal Jokes

A Milpitas couple was being shown around Moscow one day, by their communist guide, Rudolf, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

“Let’s not fight about it!” the man said. “Let’s ask our guide, Rudolf, whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”

As their tour guide approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolf, is it officially raining or snowing?“

“It’s raining, of course,” he replied officiously.

But the woman insisted, “I know that it felt like snow!”

The man quietly replied, “Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!“

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

You know Dasher and Dancer, and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid, and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?
 
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it.
You would even say it glows.
 
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games.
 
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say,
“Rudolph, with your nose so bright,
Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”
 
Then how the reindeer loved him,
As they shouted out with glee
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
You’ll go down in history.”
“You’ll go down in history!”
 
Rudolf, the Red-nosed Reindeer
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T’was 3 weeks before Christmas

Twas a Month Before Christmas

Covid Jokes

T’was 3 weeks before Christmas,
And all through the town,
People wore masks,
That covered their frown.
The frown had begun
Way back in the Spring,
When a global pandemic
Changed everything.
They called it corona,
But unlike the beer,
It didn’t bring good times,
It didn’t bring cheer.
Airplanes were grounded,
Travel was banned.
Borders were closed
Across air, sea and land.
As the world entered lockdown
To flatten the curve,
The economy halted,
And folks lost their nerve.
From March to July
We rode the first wave,
People stayed home,
They tried to behave.
When summer emerged
The lockdown was lifted.
But away from caution,
Many folks drifted.
Now it’s December
And cases are spiking,
Wave two has arrived,
Much to our disliking.
It’s true that this year
Has had sadness a plenty,
We’ll never forget
The year 2020.
And just ‘round the corner –
The holiday season,
But why be merry?
Is there even one reason?
To decorate the house
And put up the tree,
Who will see it,
No one but me.
But outside my window
The snow gently falls,
And I think to myself,
Let’s deck the halls!
So, I gather the ribbon,
The garland and bows,
As I play those old carols,
My happiness grows.
Christmas is not cancelled
And neither is hope.
If we lean on each other,
I know we can cope

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

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Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along

Computing Jokes

(Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy — although
My boss let me go —

Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,

Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter;
I say “No, man;
I just discovered gomilpitas-dot-com!”

I don’t phone, don’t send texts,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?

I’m happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

Happy Holidays From Milpitas!

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Santa’s Workshop Bought By Bill Gates – 2020 Version

Bill Gates Secret Santa

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the house
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

Ghostrunner for Billy, and Control for Dan,
And Disneyland Adventures for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa’s workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that’s just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein Jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums
(ahem – pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only Xbox Gift Cards
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 10.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
“Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft’s SANTA that the kids can’t resist,
It’s the ultimate software with a traditional twist –
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get ’em young, keep ’em long, is Microsoft’s scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer’s dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!”

And Mama in her ‘kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whirr and the hum of our satellite planter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,

Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS,
and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Santa’s Prayer

The sleigh was all packed, the reindeer were fed,
But Santa still knelt by the side of the bed.

Santa Kneeling

“Dear Father”, he prayed “Be with me tonight,
There’s much work to do and my schedule is tight.

I must jump in my sleigh and streak through the sky,
Knowing full well that a reindeer can’t fly.

I will visit each household before the first light,
I’ll cover the world and all in one night.

With sleigh bells a-ringing, I’ll land on each roof,
Amid the soft clatter of each little hoof.

To get in the house is the difficult part,
So I’ll slide down the chimney of each child’s heart.

My sack will hold toys to grant all their wishes.
The supply will be endless like the loaves and the fishes.

I will fill all the stockings and leave not a track.
I’ll eat every cookie that is left for my snack.

I can do all these things, Lord, only through You,
I just need your blessing, then it’s easy to do.

All this is to honor the birth of the One,
That was sent to redeem us, Your most Holy Son.

So to all of my friends, lest Your glory I rob,
Please Lord, remind them who gave me this job.”

Amen

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Letter from Santa

Santa’s Letter regarding restructuring at the North Pole Workshop.

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa’s market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the UCSC Extension in Milpitas, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load” was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

12 Days of Christmas

As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

  • The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
  • The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
  • The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
  • The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
  • The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;
  • The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
  • The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
  • As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
  • Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
  • Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

[signed]

S. Claus

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes
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