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Tag: <span>Women Jokes</span>

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

December 1

Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2

Have Cantabile Children’s Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3

Using candlewick and hand-gilded, miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4

Repaint St. Elizabeth Catholic Church‘s ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5

Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6

Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7

Debug Windows ’10.

December 9

Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11

Lay Faberge egg.

December 12

Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13

Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

December 14

Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15

Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at Great Mall.

December 17

Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19

Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20

Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21

Drain city pool; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22

Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23

Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24

Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25

Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 27

Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 29

Build snowman from tumble weed in exact likeness of God.

December 31

New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Night Before Christmas for Mom

T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode,
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
While visions of iPads and Baby Sharks flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
With a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
Our homeschooling mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
Which made her sigh, “Now what’s the matter?”

With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
“Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I have to clean the rug.”

“Ho-ho-ho!” cried Santa, “I’m glad you’re awake.”
“Your gift was especially difficult to make.”
“Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone.”
“Exactly!” he chuckled, “I’ve made you a clone.”

“A clone?” she asked, “What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I’ve no time for chit-chat.”
The mother’s twin. Same hair, same eyes,
Same double chin. “She’ll cook! She’ll dust!”

Overworked Mother

“She’ll mop every mess! You’ll relax, take it easy!
Watch The Young & the Restless…” “Fantastic!” the mom cheered.
“My dream come true! I’ll shop. I’ll read,
I’ll sleep a whole night through!”

From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
“Mommy?! I scared… and I ‘m wet.”
The clone replied, “I’m coming, sweetheart.”
“Hey,” the mom smiled, “She knows her part!”

The clone changed the small one and hummed her a tune,
as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
“You’re the best mommy ever. I really love you.”
The clone smiled and sighed, “I love you, too.”

The mom frowned and said, “Sorry, Santa, no deal.”
That’s my child’s love she’s trying to steal.”
Smiling wisely Santa said, “To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here.”

The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
“Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget it won’t be very long,
When they’ll be too old for my cradle-song.”

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, “It works every time.”
With the clone by his side Santa said, “Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, Mom. You’ll be all right.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Advice For Married Women: Then and Now

Women Jokes

The following is from a 1950’s Home Economics textbook intended for high school girls, advice on how to prepare for married life.

  • Have dinner ready: Plan ahead even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
  • Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot or work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
  • Clear away the clutter: make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
  • Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
  • Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
  • Some DON’TS: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
  • Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
  • Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
  • Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
  • The Goal: Try to make you home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Now, the Updated Version For The Modern Silicon Valley Woman

  • Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you’d like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been rotten, and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
  • Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the “LANCOMB” counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don’t forget to use his credit card!)
  • Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
  • Prepare the children: Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo.
  • Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.
  • Some DON’TS: Don’t greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner; simply remind him the leftovers are in the refrigerator and you left the dishes for him to do.
  • Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he’s cold. This will show you care.
  • Listen to him: But don’t ever let him get the last word.
  • Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment, go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card).
  • The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Buying Swimwear

Women Jokes

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as “buying a bathing costume.”

When I was a child in the 1950s the bathing costume for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure: boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.

They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a darn good job. Today’s stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a figure chipped from marble. The mature woman has a choice. She can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral costume with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney’s Fantasia, or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluoro rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that a shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing costume, but as I twanged the shoulder strap into place I gasped in horror! My bosom had disappeared. Eventually I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across the chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing costume fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersize cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the pre-pubescent salesgirl popped her head through the curtains “Oh, there you are!” she said. I asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversize napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with a ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan’s Jane on a bad day. I tried a black number with a ruffled midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally I found a costume that fit. A two piece affair with shorts-style bottoms and a halter top. It was cheap, comfortable and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.

When I got home I read the label which said ‘Material may become transparent in water,” but I’m determined to wear it anyway. I just have to learn to breaststroke in the sand.

— author unknown….honest!

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Women Jokes

ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the lightbulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find and change the lightbulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID lightbulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THAT THE STUPID $#@!*^&% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS……………………….

[Note: links provide all sorts of interesting information about light bulbs, ladder safety, recycling garbage, hoarding, and how the Army disposes of waste materials.]

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

There Are No Fish Under The Ice!

Milpitas Jokes

A blonde woman notices the popularity of ice fishing in Silicon Valley, and decides to try it for herself. Determined to take the sport up properly, she heads to the library and reads, not one, but three books on ice fishing from cover to cover. Armed with a list of ice fishing gear, she heads to the nearest sporting goods store to pick out top-notch equipment.

The next day, the woman heads to the nearest frozen pond and begins to set up the stool she had purchased. Settling in, she reaches for her saw and begins to cut a hole through the ice.

Booming from above comes a voice: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!”

Jumping back, the woman looks all around, but she’s alone on the ice.

A bit disturbed, she moves about 20 feet down the pond, sets up her stool, and begins to saw again.

Again comes the voice: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!”

Once again, she looks around, but just as before, there’s not a soul in sight. She decides to move clear to the other end of the pond, as far from the voice as possible.

This time, just as she settles down on the stool, before she has even reached for the saw, she hears the booming voice again: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!”

Trembling now, she calls out in a timid voice, “Is that you, Lord?”

“NO”, replies the voice, “I’M THE SHARK’S ICE HOCKEY RINK MANAGER.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes
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