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Mustard
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. “Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,” she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off.…
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Mr. Nobody
I know a funny little man, As quiet as a mouse, Who does the mischief that is done In everybody’s house! There’s no one ever sees his face, And yet we all agree That every plate we break was cracked By Mr. Nobody. ‘This he who always tears out books, Who leaves the door ajar, He pulls the buttons from our shirts, And scatters pins afar; That squeaking door will always squeak, For prithee, don’t you see, We leave the oiling to be done By Mr. Nobody. The finger marks upon the door By none of us are made; We never leave the blinds unclosed, To let the curtains fade.…
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The Ring Bearer
Religious Jokes A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar… So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.…
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The HTML Song
Computing Jokes Sung to the tune of “YMCA” Programs, that’s what we like to write, I said programs, we stay up half the night Writing programs, ’cause if you want a site On the World-Wide Web you need a Home page. Put the coolest stuff in To your home page. Folks will say, “Hey, I’ve been To your home page!” But before you begin You must learn a whole new language. You’ve got to code sites in H T M L. You’ve got to code blogs in H T M L. It’s a great little set of the neatest tools yet For exploiting the Internet. It’s fun to code WordPress…
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Camping With Sherlock Holmes
Amazing Facts Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip near Milpitas. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson said “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes: “And what does that tell you?” Watson: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes: “Somebody stole our tent.” A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.
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Catholic Litany In A Pinch
Milpitas Jokes & Religious Jokes A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in Milpitas. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. “A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd — no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. “A PRIEST, PLEASE!” the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man of at least eighty years of age. “Mr. Policeman,” says the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I’m living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on…
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Homework Policy
Here is an explanation of our homework policy : Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. The time should be budgeted in the following manner: 15 minutes looking for assignment 11 minues calling a friend for the assignment 23 minutes explaining to parents why the teacher is mean and just does not like children 8 minutes in the bathroom 10 minutes getting a snack 7 minutes checking the TV Guide 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the homework 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom to do the assignment Long Term Assignments: These are given the night before they are due.…
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City Guides Hope Net Users Will See the Sites
In its early days, the Web provided a guide to the far-flung corners of the world — giving avid hikers a glimpse of what it might be like to go bushwalking in Australia, for instance. Then, a new crop of city guides appeared, with information about hiking trails right around the corner and much more, from local news to the latest entertainment listings. The only problem: Few people visited the sites, and merchants were reluctant to advertise there. BY DEBORAH KONG Mercury News Staff Writer Posted at 11:21 a.m. PST Sunday, November 7, 1999 Posted on GoMilpitas.com with permission of the Mercury News. Now, pioneers such as America Online’s Digital…
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Licking Is Totally the Same as Hand-washing, Right?
Covid Jokes Me: Did you wash your hands? 4-year-old: No. Me: Why are your hands wet? 4: I licked them. That should kill the germs. How to Stop Kids From Licking Their Fingers A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.
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The Mommy Test
Women Jokes This is actually a true story but, all the full-time moms I know have gotten a chuckle out of it. — From a faithful contributor. I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. “Why?” “Because it’s been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.” At this point she looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?” “Uh,” I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, “Um, it’s on the mommy test. You have…
