Jokes

A Milpitas Cowboy’s Guide to Life

Animal Jokes

Roped Calf

Don’t squat with your spurs on.

Don’t interfere with something that ain’t botherin’ you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Cow girl roping

If it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, it probably ain’t.

It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Don’t worry about bitin’ off more’n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Generally, you ain’t learnin’ nothing when your mouth’s a-jawin’.

Tellin’ a man to git lost and makin’ him do it are two entirely different propositions.

If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there with ya.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back.

Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s sure crucial to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Don’t Squat With Yer Spurs on: A Cowboys Guide to Life
by Texas Bix Bender

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke

Breaking News Joke

Amazing Facts & Covid Jokes

BREAKING NEWS!

Women age 30-59 are most likely to carry CORONOVIRUS without symptoms!

Best course of action is to quarantine them away from men and children!

The local spas and wineries are the designated local quarantine centers.

Send women immediately!

No contact for 14 days while they live in misery here:

Hairdressers, Hair Salons, Barber Shops-Best in Milpitas
These are the best hair salons to get your hair done in Milpitas. Some also offer other beauty services, such as nails. While many offer walk-in service, it is always best to make an appointment, which often can be done online at the parlor’s website.

or here:

Beer and Wine in Milpitas
Milpitas has a couple of boutique breweries and wineries. Most have made adjustments to Covid-19 by now offering deliveries right to your home or offering scheduled pickup.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke

Mother’s Dictionary

Women Jokes

Mothers' Word/TermDefinition
AMNESIAA condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDINGAn opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM, too.
DEFENSEWhat you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
DROOLINGHow teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITEROne who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNINGThe art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACKThe inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAMEWhat you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTSThe people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAYWhat toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLEA woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENTHow we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
PRENATALWhen your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTHA contradiction in terms.
PUDDLEA small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFFA child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZEWhat you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOMThe distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMSWhat you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
TOP BUNKWhere you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNINGWhen the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBALAble to whine in words.
WEAKER SEXThe kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNITNone of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS!An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

AI Tax Preparer Program

Money Jokes

Hello! Welcome to Taxtime (TM), your AI Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?

I see. Well, don’t you think you should do them anyway? After all, it is April 13th. You have less than 2 days to file. And who knows? Maybe you’ll get a refund.

That’s the spirit! Let’s begin with your name, address, and marital status.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don’t let it get you down — That alimony deduction will come in mighty handy in these tough financial times!

Please don’t cry. The economy’s bound to bounce back. In the meantime, let’s talk about dependents. Do you have any children?

Wow! I hope they’re not all in college. Do you have any other dependents?

Sorry. You can’t deduct your dog, even if she is your only friend. I agree. The IRS is unreasonable. But let’s move on to income. What were your wages in 2019?

You are having a bad go of it, aren’t you? But at least you’re getting the Unemployment Benefits max. I’m afraid your Unemployment Benefits are taxable. The government giveth and the government taketh away. Hey, don’t blame me! I’m just the messenger. Anyway, did you have any interest or dividend income or capital gains?

Your spouse got everything, huh? Well, look on the bright side. If you don’t earn it, they can’t make you pay taxes on it.

Please don’t exit. It was just a joke. I don’t suppose you were able to sock anything away into an IRA? I didn’t mean to insult you; I’m just doing my job. They make me ask about IRAs and Keogh Plans too.

Okay, okay. I get the point. You’re broke. So let’s go over your deductions and see about getting you a healthy refund. Speaking about health, I need a complete list of your unreimbursed medical expenses.

That’s great — a fractured sacroiliac. And your income was so low that most of it will be deductible! Let’s move on to your state income taxes and real estate taxes.

Boy, those state taxes can really take a bite, eh? But that huge mortgage tax deduction should really increase your refund. What? You had to sell the house to pay for the divorce? What a shame. I thought you said you didn’t have any capital gains. You sold it at a loss? Really? So tell me — Do you think housing is going to drop any further? One of my other users is looking to buy.

You’re absolutely right. That was a selfish and thoughtless thing to say. I’m a new program, and I guess they haven’t gotten all the bugs out.

Let’s go back to your deductions. What did you pay in mortgage interest?

I’m afraid deducting credit card interest is a major no-no. You may want to consider our Interactive Bankruptcy Software! Hey, now. Don’t get your nose out of joint. It was just a suggestion.

Anyway, it’s time to list your charitable contributions. I know you can’t afford them, but list a couple hundred in cash anyway. Everybody does it, and it’s impossible to check.

Good. Now I’m almost afraid to ask, but did you suffer any unreimbursed casualty or theft losses last year?

That’s pretty much what I expected. Just give me the numbers and I’ll take it from there.

Is there anything else you want to tell me?

I’m sorry, I don’t really have time to listen about your divorce anymore. What I meant was, did you have any other income or expenses? Fine. Now why don’t you rest for a second, so I can do some quick calculations.

I have good news. You’re entitled to a $157 refund. Would you like to apply it to your 2020 tax?

I beg your pardon? They don’t pay me enough to listen to that kind of language!

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

On the Revelation of William Bennett’s Gambling Habit

Political Jokes

Political Jokes

by Calvin Trillin

Bill Bennett told a grateful nation,
‘Be moral. Just resist temptation.’
By windbag airing of this thesis,
Bill Bennett got as rich as Croesus.
His preaching sold in wholesale lots,
While he dropped millions at the slots.
But here’s a thought to ease his pains:
He only lost ill-gotten gains

Bad Bet by Bill Bennett
By Michael Kinsley
Washington Post
Bennett has been exposed as a humbug artist who ought to be pelted off the public stage if he lacks the decency to slink quietly away as he is constantly calling on others to do. Although it may be impossible for anyone famous to become permanently discredited in American culture (a Bennett-like point I agree with), Bennett clearly deserves that distinction.

Bill Bennett Said to Be Big Gambler
Former Secretary of Education William J. Bennett, whose books and speeches espousing traditional virtues have made him rich and famous, is a high-stakes casino gambler, according to reports published Friday. LA Times.

Despising Virtue
The reasons Alter and Green went after William F. Bennett are clear: 1. Bennett is a high-profile Republican and supporter of the president; 2. He’s at odds with the National Education Administration (NEA) from his stint as Education Secretary under Ronald Reagan and also for his K12 initiative which seeks to give parents and kids high-tech internet tools to succeed, thus threatening the NEA’s current education monopoly; 3. He was U.S. Drug Czar and articulated boldly against the legalization of drugs; 4. He has promoted heterosexuality and pointed out the danger of the homosexual life; and most recently 5. He has blasted the anti-freedom critics of our war with Iraq with clear, common-sense observations: “Those who march against the U.S. and the U.K. today, those who condemn Bush and Blair and remain silent when it comes to Hussein, are in league with the wolf’s view that the shepherds are destroying liberty.”

William Bennett was simply too rational, too articulate, too moral, for liberals to take. And they blew.

Highlights & Quotes
William Bennett, a self-appointed moral compass for America, has been a key right-wing player for decades. He is the founder of a string of advocacy groups that promote conservative social policies and hawkish foreign policies, including Americans For Victory over Terrorism and Empower America.

K12 – About Us
William J. Bennett, along with other leaders who are passionate about education, founded K12 in 1999. The goal was to create an excellent, traditional program in education-one that would empower parents to be effective teachers and empower students to explore the world around them thoughtfully.

Bennett to Offer K-12 Education Over Internet
CNSNews.com
Friday, Dec. 29, 2000
Former U.S. Education Secretary Bill Bennett has begun an online private school for students in kindergarten through the 12th grade.

The school is designed to target a growing market of home-educated children. It has already drawn criticism from the leftist American Federation of Teachers, one of the nation’s largest teacher unions.

Bennett’s school is being financed with $10 million from a group of investors that includes one-time junk bond king Michael Milken. The school will offer the “back to basics” education that Bennett has long espoused, such as phonics, mathematics and civics lessons.

Hey, Let’s Put Those Kids to Work!
Grand pronouncements were the order of the day. Bennett chest-thumped that the school, imaginatively named K12, would enroll 100,000 students by 2005. The media trotted out their own big numbers, with the Wall Street Journal quoting the customary stats on the multi-billion-dollar value of the electronic-learning market ($6.9 billion, to be exact). Bennett’s plan? To score a chunk of that market using home-schooled tykes. According to outlets, ground zero for the school’s marketing will be Christian fundamentalists teaching their wee ones at home – a group warm to Bennett’s own conservative ways. When K12 opens for business next fall – oops, we mean classes – its fees will range from $25 for skill tests to $2,000 for full lesson plans and software for a year, the AP reported. That’s one-third of what public schools spend per pupil, Bennett bragged to reporters. How can it be so cheap? For one thing, there won’t be any pesky teachers to pay. The Journal noted that K12 would do without teachers in the early grades except where required by state laws.

Vote on vouchers a virtual letdown<
The idea of virtual schools attracted momentum in Florida because of pressure on lawmakers to reduce class sizes and nudges from two companies prepared to profit. Bennett discussed the concept in a meeting with Gov. Jeb Bush about two years ago. A K12 executive came to Florida this spring to meet with state Rep. Joe Pickens, R-Palatka, who sees the $4.8-million project as a way for students to expand learning opportunities.

“We’re here from the government, and we’re here to help:”
California Virtual Academy(Using Bill Bennett’s K12 Curriculum)
The presentation looks very interesting until you realize that this is REAL life we’re living. Trying to get it all done (the number of hours they require of a student), while allowing for vacations, occasional time off for “real life,” etc., would be a definite challenge, especially for those who have large families. By Mary Leggewie.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Homespun Couple Visit Harvard President

The President of Harvard made a mistake by prejudging people and it cost him dearly.

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the president’s outer office. The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn’t even deserve to be in Cambridge. She frowned.

“We want to see the president,” the man said softly.

“He’ll be busy all day,” the secretary snapped.

“We’ll wait,” the lady replied.

For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn’t. The secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even thought it was a chore she always regretted to do.

“Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they’ll leave,” she told him. He sighed in exasperation and nodded.

Someone of his importance obviously didn’t have the time to spend with them. He detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple.

The lady told him, “We had a son that attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. About a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus.”

The president wasn’t touched he was shocked. “Madam,” he said gruffly, “We can’t put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery.”

“Oh, no,” the lady explained quickly, “We don’t want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard.”

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, “A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard.”

For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now.

The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, “Is that all is costs to start a University? Why don’t we just start our own?

Her husband nodded. The president’s face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Educator At An Accident

“How come you’re late?” asks the principal as the teacher walks in the door of Milpitas High School.

“It was awful,” she explains. “I was walking down Escuela Parkway and there was this terrible accident. A student was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute.”

“What did you do?” asks the principal.

“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Legoland Discovery Center at Great Mall Reopening

Covid Jokes

Covid-19 Updates regarding the Lego Discovery Center at the Great Mall in Milpitas.

UPDATE 3/18/2020

We are actively monitoring the situation with regards to the outbreak of COVID-19 coronavirus and are in regular contact with local health authorities. The safety and well-being of our guests and staff is our priority and we will take all necessary precautions to ensure their continued welfare. With that said, in an effort to mitigate the risk presented by the outbreak of COVID-19 and comply with mandates from local government and health authorities, we are temporarily postponing the opening of the attraction until further notice. If you have purchased advance tickets, you may use these tickets for any future date through December 31, 2020 after we officially open. For additional questions or concerns, please contact bayarea@legolanddiscoverycenter.com.

Official Merlin Entertainments Statement

We want to reassure you that LEGOLAND® Discovery Center Bay Area puts the safety and well-being of our guests and staff as the top priority. We have, and will continue to implement cleaning regimes, will offer hand sanitizing stations throughout the Center, and will follow all recommended practices and government recommended guidelines as appropriate, to maintain a safe environment. Like many businesses, we continue to monitor the situation closely and are in regular contact with local authorities so we may respond quickly to any developments. If you would like to postpone your visit, you may use your unused ticket for a future date through December 31, 2020.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Computer Language For Non-Computer Users

Cat and Laptop

 Log On

Makin’ the wood stove hotter.

 Log Off

Don’t add any more wood.

 Monitor

Keep an eye on the wood stove.

 Download

Gettin’ the firewood off the pickup.

 Mega Hertz

When yer not careful downloadin’ (watch th’ toes).

 Floppy Disk

Whatcha get from pilin’ too much firewood.

 Disk Operating System

The equipment the Doc uses when you have a floppy disk.

 RAM

The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.

 Hard Drive

Gettin’ home in mud season.

 Prompt

What you wish the mail was in mud season.

Windows

What to shut when it’s 50 degrees, and that’s real cold in Milpitas!

 Screen

What you need for black fly season.

 Byte

What black flies do.

 Chip

What to munch on.

 Micro Chip

What’s left in the bag when the chips are gone.

 Infrared

Where the leftovers go when Fred’s around.

 Modem

What you did to the hay fields.

 Dot Matrix

John Matrix’s wife.

 Printer

Someone who can’t write in cursive.

 Lap Top

Where little kids feel comfy.

 Keyboard

Where you hang your keys.

 Software

Them plastic eatin’ utensils.

 486

One of them fancy imported cars.

 Mouse

What eats the horses’ grain in the barn.

 Main Frame

The part of the barn that holds the roof up.

 Port

Fancy wine.

 Enter

C’mon in!

 Random Access Memory

When you suddenly can’t remember how much that new rifle costs when your wife asks.

Digital

Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.

 Apple

If you don’t know what an apple is, I ain’t tellin’.

 Program

What’s on the TV when TCI has reception.

 CD ROM

The place in the back where they sell retirement accounts.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

You Might Teach At Middle School If…

Isaiah Johnson, who plays George Washington for the national tour of the broadway show Hamilton in San Francisco, speaks with students at Rancho Milpitas Middle School on May 24.
Photo by Stan Olszewski/SOSKIphoto

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

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