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The Value of Time
Amazing Facts To realize the value of ONE YEAR Ask a student who has failed his exam. To realize the value of ONE MONTH Ask a woman who is eight months pregnant. To realize the value of ONE WEEK Ask an editor of a weekly. To realize the value of ONE DAY Ask a daily wage laborer. To realize the value of ONE HOUR Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. To realize the value of ONE MINUTE Ask a person who has missed the train. To realize the value of ONE SECOND Ask a person who has just survived an accident. To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND…
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Signs You’ve Had Too Much Java
Amazing Facts From John Murrell’s column in the Mercury News “Considering the amount of java (that’s lowercase; don’t want to annoy Sun Microsystems) I’m consuming as I try to gear up and catch up after a week off, I thought this would be an appropriate Monday offering: a list snagged out of the e-mail ether and passed along by faithful contributor Mark Allen outlining some signs that you may be drinking too much coffee:” 1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. 2. You answer the door before people knock. 3. You sleep with your eyes open. 4. You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.…
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A Short History of Medicine
Amazing Facts I have an earache: 2000 B.C. Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root. A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.
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Coronavirus Quarantine Travel Puns
Amazing Facts & Covid Jokes *Oman*, I really can’t wait to *Rome* around. *Venice* this going to get over? You can’t say when this lockdown will be over, *Kenya*? Quarantine has made my *Delhi* routine too boring. I’ve been *Washington’s* of utensils. This *Spain* is real. Stay home, stay safe. What’s the *Russia*? Maybe *Indore* is not such a bad place after all. Wives are now *Cochin* their husbands in new skills (dish washing, mopping?) At this rate, I see my savings loses *Dublin* I’ve decided to finally wear my *New Jersey* which I’ve been storing for ages *Mysore* throat is on account of endless Zoom chats these days. We…
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Excellent Advice I’ve Learned From Watching Scary Movies
Amazing Facts 1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead. 2. Never (ever) read a book of demon summoning aloud, not even as a joke. 3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out. 4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, kill them immediately. It will save you a lot of trouble in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice. 5 . When you have…
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Science Explained By Children
Amazing Facts & Covid Jokes Genetics explain why you look like your father. or, if you don’t, why you should. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother. We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are…
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New Vocabulary Words
Amazing Facts Sniglets (snig’let) Any word that doesn’t appear in the dictionary but should. 1. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. 2. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. 3. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 4. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 5. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn…
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Determining the Height of a Tall Building
Amazing Facts Sir Ernest Rutherford, President of the Royal Academy, and recipient of the Nobel Prize in Physics, related the following story: Some time ago I received a call from a colleague. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed a perfect score. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected. I read the examination question: “Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.” The student had answered: “Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope…
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Mustard
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. “Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,” she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off.…
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Mr. Nobody
I know a funny little man, As quiet as a mouse, Who does the mischief that is done In everybody’s house! There’s no one ever sees his face, And yet we all agree That every plate we break was cracked By Mr. Nobody. ‘This he who always tears out books, Who leaves the door ajar, He pulls the buttons from our shirts, And scatters pins afar; That squeaking door will always squeak, For prithee, don’t you see, We leave the oiling to be done By Mr. Nobody. The finger marks upon the door By none of us are made; We never leave the blinds unclosed, To let the curtains fade.…
