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Jokes

The HTML Song

Computing Jokes

Sung to the tune of “YMCA”

Programs, that’s what we like to write,
I said programs, we stay up half the night
Writing programs, ’cause if you want a site
On the World-Wide Web you need a

Home page. Put the coolest stuff in
To your home page. Folks will say, “Hey, I’ve been
To your home page!” But before you begin
You must learn a whole new language.

You’ve got to code sites in H T M L.
You’ve got to code blogs in H T M L.
It’s a great little set of the neatest tools yet
For exploiting the Internet.
It’s fun to code WordPress in H T M L.
It’s fun to code using H T M L.
You can now interface with the whole human race
From your own niche in cyberspace.

Hot links from one site to the next,
You add hot links when you use hypertext.
So with hot links, stay cool, don’t get perplexed.
Then to surf the web you must have

Safari. That’s the browser to use.
I said Safari, it’s all over the news.
So with Safari, you’ll be sure you can’t lose.
But it all goes back to one thing…

You’ve got to code it in H T M L.
You’ve got to code it in H T M L.
It’s a great little set of the neatest tools yet
For exploiting the Internet.
It’s fun to code using H T M L.
It’s fun to code using H T M L.
You can now interface with the whole human race
From your own niche in cyberspace.

Letters, use them all, A through Z.
Take those letters, like TCP/IP,
Add more letters: CGI, FTP.
And a U R L is like an

Address. You type, “HTTP
Colon slash slash”, then add “W 3
Dot, et cet’ra”, and eventually
You’ll find you’re a real web master!

Because you coded in H T M L.
Because you coded in H T M L.
It’s a great little set of the neatest tools yet
For exploiting the Internet.
It’s fun to code using H T M L.
It’s fun to code using H T M L.
You can now interface with the whole human race
From your own niche in cyberspace.

H T M L … H T M L …

–Author unknown.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Camping With Sherlock Holmes

Amazing Facts

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip near Milpitas. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson said “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”

Watson: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes: “Somebody stole our tent.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Catholic Litany In A Pinch

Milpitas Jokes & Religious Jokes

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in Milpitas. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

“A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd — no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

“A PRIEST, PLEASE!” the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old man of at least eighty years of age.

“Mr. Policeman,” says the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I’m living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on Sequoia, and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.”

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and intones in a solemn voice:

“B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . . .”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Homework Policy

Here is an explanation of our homework policy :

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. The time should be budgeted in the following manner:

  • 15 minutes looking for assignment
  • 11 minues calling a friend for the assignment
  • 23 minutes explaining to parents why the teacher is mean and just does not like children
  • 8 minutes in the bathroom
  • 10 minutes getting a snack
  • 7 minutes checking the TV Guide
  • 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the homework
  • 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom to do the assignment

Long Term Assignments:

These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name “long term.” It is a long term commitment to time that begins at 9:30 PM and ends at 11:50 PM. It is important that the whole family is involved in the project. It is imperative that at least one family member race to WalMart for posterboard, and that one family member ends up in tears (does not have to be the student).

One parent needs to stay up and complete the project. The other parent needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick.

It is not necessary to have the student’s name on the assignment.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

The Mommy Test

Women Jokes

This is actually a true story but, all the full-time moms I know have gotten a chuckle out of it. — From a faithful contributor.

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

“Why?”

“Because it’s been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.”

At this point she looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”

“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, “Um, it’s on the mommy test. You have to know it or they don’t let you be a mommy.”

“Oh.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes but, she was evidently pondering this new information.

“I get it!” she beamed. “Then if you flunk you have to be the daddy.”

In all fairness, a couple weeks later she said, “I don’t know why you and Ms. Noreen think that’s funny. You guys both flunked the daddy test.”

In my opinion, this just underscores the important role both parents have in raising their children.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Mom’s Song and Teen’s Answer

Women Jokes

Anita Renfroe | William Tell Momisms | Official Version

Anita Renfroe sums up all the things that a mother says to her children in a three-minute song called “Momisms” set to the William Tell Overture. This is the official version by Anita Renfroe. Purchase full DVD at www.AnitaRenfroe.com. Video and audio available on iTunes.

The Child Song (Answer to the Mom Song)

This is what a child would say to her mother in a 24-hour period. It has been made as a response to Anita Renfroe’s Mom Song, to the sound of William Tell Overture. With lyrics.

Let me stay, let me stay in bed a little more
Wait a sec, wait a sec, hey don’t slam the door!
Here’re my shoes and my clothes, yes, I heard your words,
leave my room, I shall get dressed alone!
I’m not hot, I’m not cold, yes, I’m wearing that.
Here are my books and my lunch, but, what homework, mum?
I’ll get my coat and gloves, not that silly hat
I won’t forget I gotta feed the cat.
I know breakfast is very important, you repeat that every single day
I take so many vitamins I’ll end up playing in the NBA
I bet having some nice free time will be what I will finally forget
I remember my piano lessons, but again, when d’you want me to play?
Too fast or too slowly, come on mum, you’re stressing me
don’t make me go back in, otherwise the bus I’ll miss.
(I) play outside, (I) don’t play rough, (I) never play unfair,
I make thousands of friends and I always share.
Mum, you scare me so much I would never dare,
In a mo’ I’ll be right up there.
I will soon tidy up the pile on my bed, I’m just saying bye bye to my facebook friends.
Give me one, give me two, give me three more secs,
It’ll be done before you might expect.
No way! I won’t get off the phone! I’m in the middle of a very important conversation.
What wrong am I doing in the chat? Hey, don’t take my ipod, I am listening up.
Well I’m going out with some friends, I don’t know where, but that won’t take long.
I say thank you, please, excuse, I am welcome everywhere I go.
I’ll appreciate your wisdom someday when I’m older and I’m grown,
I can’t wait till I’m independent living somewhere on my own.
I’ll thank you for the counsel you gave me so willingly,
but right now I’ll thank you not to throw your spells at me!
If I keep my mouth closed I may lose my breath,
didn’t notice the cold I’ve just caught today?
For the next half an hour give me just a break,
why this rush! Are we missing a train?
Come on mum, take it easy and let me live,
get a rest, get a nap, don’t count to three.
Meanwhile I’ll get a shower and watch TV.
But, hey! My brother started it! Why grounded! What’s the wrong thing I did?
I get my story straight, I haven’t lied not even once today.
And, if all my friends go out tonight, I will go too!
If I’ve said it once I’ve said it at least one thousand times before!
I’m acting according to my age, I’m not fifty, haven’t you noticed yet?
I look at you when you are talking, can’t I walk the way I want?
(There’s) a place for every shout, and every shout must me in place!
Stop making up more reasons just to tell me off out loud!
Well I’m going to bed, have a good night mum,
thanks for all the advice, also for the cash. Don’t forget I love you.
But- tomorrow please don’t do this all again, let’s all relax, it’s Saturday!
And I do need a reason why, because, because, because, because,
I say so, I say so, I say so, I say so!
I’m the child, the child, the child, the child. The child! Ta-daaaa!

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Forgetful Poem

Philosopical Jokes

My forgetter’s getting better
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but,
To me, that is no joke.

For when I’m “here” I’m wondering
If I really should be “there.”
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven’t got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say “what am I here for?”
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say “Hi” and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away,
I ask myself, “who’s that?”

Yes, my forgetter’s getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it’s driving me plumb crazy
And that isn’t any joke.

Don’t forget to laugh!

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

All the Urban Legends Rolled Into One

Amazing Facts & Computing Jokes

No need to read all those other urban legends, etc. ever again. Here they are, all in one:

I know this guy in Milpitas whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub, it was full of ice, and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said, “Call 911!” But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled “Join the crew!”

He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It’s true – I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, “Welcome to the world of AIDS.”

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital – the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

And it’s a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

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