Dating in the Time of Coronavirus
Love in Lockdown
We went speed dating on Zoom and found love.
You’ve seen the events announcements here for online speed dating, right? So here’s how it works for these singles.
Jokes
All the Urban Legends Rolled Into One
Amazing Facts & Computing Jokes
No need to read all those other urban legends, etc. ever again. Here they are, all in one:
I know this guy in Milpitas whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub, it was full of ice, and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said, “Call 911!” But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled “Join the crew!”
He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It’s true – I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, “Welcome to the world of AIDS.”
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital – the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
And it’s a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.
Are You Acting Too Much Like a Teacher?
Let’s find out if you are acting too much like a teacher:
1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?
2. Do you move your dinner partner’s glass away from the edge of the table?
3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?
4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
5. Do you refer to happy hour as “snack time”?
6. Do you declare “no cuts” when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?
7. Do you say “I like the way you did that” to the mechanic who repairs your car nice?
8. Do you ask “Are you sure you did your best?” to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?
9. Do you sing the “Alphabet Song” to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?
10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
11. Do you fold your spouse’s fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?
12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group?
~~~
* If you answered yes to 4 or more, it’s in your soul : you are hooked on teaching. And if you’re not a teacher, you missed your calling.
* If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it’s *too much* in your soul: you should probably begin reading the “Unschooling” essays.
* If you answered yes to all 12, forget it: you’ll *always* be a teacher, homeschooling or not!
Proverbs: Kids’ Versions
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. Here are the results:
As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You . . . Mess It Up.
Better Be Safe Than . . . Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The . . . Bug Is Close.
It’s Always Darkest Before . . . Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of . . . Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But . . . How?
Don’t Bite The Hand That . . . Looks Dirty.
No News Is . . . Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A . . . Mr.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You’ll . . . Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust . . . Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The . . . Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is . . . The Best Way To Relax.
Where There’s Smoke, There’s . . . Pollution.
Happy Is The Bride Who . . . Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is . . . Not Much.
Two’s Company, Three’s . . . The Musketeers.
Don’t Put Off Tomorrow What . . . You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And…. You Have To Blow Your Nose.
Children Should Be Seen And Not . . . Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don’t Succeed . . . Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You . . . See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind . . . Get Out Of The Way.
Ways To Really Annoy Telemarketers
Telephone Service in Milpitas
Includes a section with really good advice for totally avoiding telemarketing calls all together.
1. If a telemarketer wants to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Alternately, you can tell them, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…” When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your “problems.”
3. If they say they’re Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Ask them how to spell “Milpitas.” Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you’re male: Telemarketer: Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with Canter & Siegel services… You: Hang on a second. [a few seconds’ pause] Okay, [in really husky voice] What are you wearing? Telemarketer: [Click.]
5. Cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh, my GOD! Judy, how have you BEEN?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
6. Say “no”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. Whatever you say, never ever say, “yes” as they may record that answer to say you agreed to whatever they are offering.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don’t have any friends…would you be my friend?”
8. If they clean rugs: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?” Alternate: “Sorry, my floor is made of stone.”
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “uh-huh”, “rilly” or “how fascinating”. Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them you couldn’t just give out your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: “This is Bill from WaterTronics.” You: “WaterTronics! Hey, I work for them too. Where are you calling from?” Telemarketer: “Uh…Milpitas, California.” You: “Great, they have a group there too? How’s business? The weather?!?” Telemarketer: “Sorry, we can’t sell to employees.” You: “Oh, okay. Bye!”
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, Shout or scream “Oh my God!!!” and then hang up.
12. (Jerry Seinfeld version) Tell the telemarketer your busy at the moment and if they give you their phone number, you’ll call them back. Telemarketer will say “We’re not allowed to give out our number”. You say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at work, right?” Telemarketer will agree. You say “Now you know how I feel!” Hang-up.
13. Breath heavily and tell them you were in the middle of having sex with your wife/husband. Tell them that the deal sounds good, but you are not waiting for another month to finish the sex.
14. Sound happy to see hear from them, and ask them if they have (a) insurance (b) a burial plot, or (c) a stock broker and that you are one.
15. Say “speak up” and continue to do so.
16. Keep one of those personal siren alarms near the phone.
17. Ask them if they are aware that you are with the District Attorney’s Office, Division of Consumer Fraud, and that the conversation is being taped.
The Art Sold, but …
An artist asked the Yolette, curator at the Community Art and History Museums, if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
“I have good news and bad news,” the Yolette replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The guy was your doctor.”
The Last Page of the Internet
Thank you for visiting the End of the Internet.
Congratulations!
This is the last page.
Thank you for visiting the End of the Internet.
There are no more links.
You must now turn off your computer and go do something productive.
Shut down and go outside.
Go read a book, for pete’s sake.
Taking a Load of Penguins to the Zoo
Kimo is a bus driver for the Santa Clara Valley Transportation Authority. One day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver works for the Happy Hollow Park and Zoo. He pleads with Kimo to do him a favor.
He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they needed to be there within the hour. Agreeing, Kimo proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.
An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he’s driving down the road, he see’s Kimo and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases in pursuit. He finally catches up to the bus and pulls over Kimo on the side of the road. In an irate voice he asks, “Hey, Kimo. I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me?”
“Calm down,” Kimo says. “I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I’m taking them to the movies!”
Note: the links for “penguins” have penguin information or webcams. The links for “zoos” include places around the world to see penguins.
You Know You Live in Milpitas When…
Computing Jokes & Milpitas Jokes
- You make over $250,000 and still can’t afford a house.
- You see nothing but expensive cars because of <above>.
- You have more bandwidth in your apartment or condo than most major universities.
- Your commute time is 45 minutes and you live 8 miles from work.
- You see a billboard that says “FGPA2ASIC” and aren’t fazed.
- You stop asking how much things cost and start asking “How long will it take?”
- The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
- You don’t understand how the FasTrak work because you normally don’t commute during those hours.
- You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
- Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
- You know that “PARC” isn’t some place to walk your dog.
- You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
- You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
- You know the name of the manager of every coffee house in Silicon Valley.
- You know vast and subtle differences between Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Cantonese, and Korean food.
- You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
- A really great parking space can move you to tears.
- A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
- Gas cost $1.75 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
- When you need the updated Diamond Monster 3D drivers, you just walk across the street.
- Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
- It’s sprinkling and there’s a report on every news station about “The Storm Watch!”
- You can no longer run the air conditioner because the gas and electric bills are 3 times higher than anywhere else in the country!
- You scan yard sales for back issues of “Dr. Dobbs.”
- You were born somewhere else.
- Your favorite computer reseller speaks only Cantonese.
- Your workplace vending machines dispense “100% natural twig-bars” right next to Jolt cola and Instant Espresso mix.
- You know how to eat an artichoke.
- The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
- No one brings radios into work – they just use RealAudio and listen to thedj.com, rebelradio.com, or other out-of-state stations.
- Your car has bulletproof windows.
- You /lost/never had/don’t know how to set/ the alarm clock. You’ll just get to work when you get there.
- Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
- Your mouse has only one ball.
- Your home computer contains mostly hardware/software that isn’t on the consumer market yet.
- You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
- You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
- You drive to your neighborhood block party.
- You go to “The City” on weekends but don’t live there because you like your car.
- You think that “I’m going to Fry’s Electronics” is an acceptable excuse to leave the office for a while. And your boss does too.
- You know it’s Christmas Day because the parking lots at the electronics companies are only half full.
- You go to an industrial-heavy-metal bar and see two guys get into a fight over what flavor of UNIX is better.
- Your family tree contains significant others.
- You have completely forgotten how to write longhand.
- Your cat has it’s own psychiatrist.
- Your dog died of inattention.
- So did your cat.
- You spend more time checking the value of your stock options than you do at the gym, but you’re still paying $25 monthly for a membership to a place you haven’t visited in 18 months.
- You have no idea your apartment/house is really dirty because you haven’t seen it during daylight hours in over two years.
- You have to think twice before you realize that “beta blocker” is a medical term, not some new exotic software.
- You’ve replaced your box of floppies with a box of Zip disks, but that’s just until you get your box of Jaz disks.
- You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
- More than clothes come out of the closets.
- When “the Dead” are best live.
- You go to the movies and EVERYBODY claps along with the SciFi theme music.
- You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
- Your kids grew up and went to college but you’re palm-top still has a standing notation to drop by Toys ‘R’ Us to pick up a dozen packs of disposable diapers, but they’re always closed when you finally get there.
- You meet a friend for lunch and the first topic is where they are working now.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
- More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
- Smoking in your office is not optional.
- You entice prospective employees to join your company by bragging about the speed of your internet connection.
- You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
- You own more than 10 articles of clothing that have hardware and/or software companies printed on them. (Bonus for embroidered stuff.)
- When you can’t schedule a meeting because you must “do lunch.”
- You know where Woz Way, Resistor Ave, Infinite Loop and Floppy Drive are located.
- You know where Woz is.
- You think Steve Jobs is a “hunk.”
- Even though Microsoft employs quite a few programmers in the Bay Area, they only work on PowerPoint, and the company is still the embodiment of Satan. (Even if their stock IS worth more than yours.)
- Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
- Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
- You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman.
- If it weren’t for Trader Joe’s frozen meals, you’d starve to death.
- You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
- A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
- You really meant to change the oil in your car 50,000 miles ago.
- You know Hwy 280 North runs west, and Hwy 680 North runs East.
- When all highways into the state say “No fruits!”
- All highways out of the state say “Go back!”
A Recap of the First Three Weeks with Covid-19
Here’s a recap of the last three weeks, courtesy of Peter Lengsfelder:
A RECAP OF THE LAST THREE WEEKS
AMERICA: Oh my god! Coronavirus! What should we do?
CALIFORNIA: Shut down your state.
AMERICA: Wait… what? Why?
CALIFORNIA: Because 40 million people live here and we did it early, and it’s working.
OHIO: Whoa… whoa… let’s not be hasty now. The president said that this whole coronavirus thing is a democratic hoax.
CALIFORNIA: He also said that windmills cause cancer. Shut down your state.
TEXAS: But the president said that there are only 15 cases and soon there will be zero.
CALIFORNIA: The president can’t count to fifteen. Nor even spell it. Shut down your state.
NEW JERSEY: Us too?
CALIFORNIA: Yes, you guys too. Just like when Christie shut down the bridge, but it’s your whole state.
FLORIDA: But what about all these kids here on spring break?? They spend a lot of money here!
CALIFORNIA: Those kids invented the tide pod challenge. Shut down your state.
LOUISIANA: But wait let’s have Mardi Gras first. It entertains people.
CALIFORNIA: It also kills them. Shut it down.
GEORGIA: Ok well how about we keep the state open for all of our mega churches? Maybe we can all pray really hard until the coronavirus just goes away!
CALIFORNIA: Which is working like a charm for mass shootings. Jesus told us to tell you to shut down your state.
OKLAHOMA: What about the tigers?
CALIFORNIA: What about a dentist. Shut it down.
WYOMING: Hold up, maybe we should go county by county like the president said.
CALIFORNIA: Stop acting like there are counties in Wyoming. There are no counties in Wyoming. Wyoming is a county. Shut it down.
PENNSYLVANIA: But big coal.
CALIFORNIA: But big death. Shut it.
WEST VIRGINIA: But we were the last state to get Coronavirus!
CALIFORNIA: And don’t make us explain to you why that was. Shut it down.
NORTH CAROLINA: But the republican national convention is coming here!
CALIFORNIA: SHUT… ok fine do what you want.