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The Day the NASDAQ Died
Money Jokes Sung to the tune of “American Pie”: A long, long week ago I can still remember how the market used to make me smile What I’d do when I had the chance Is get myself a cash advance And add another tech stock to the pile. But Jerome Powell made me shiver With every speech that he delivered Bad news on the rate front Still I’d take one more punt. I can’t remember if I cried When I heard about the CPI I lost my fortune and my pride The day the NASDAQ died. So bye-bye to my piece of the pie Now I’m gettin’ calls for margin…
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Equal Employment Opportunity
A Milpitas business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and MUST be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.” A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he…
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Everyday Maxims
Amazing Facts Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I intend to live forever – so far, so good. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough! Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb! Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have. The only substitute for good…
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Advice For Married Women: Then and Now
Women Jokes The following is from a 1950’s Home Economics textbook intended for high school girls, advice on how to prepare for married life. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be…
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Classes We’d Really Like To See Offered At the Community Center
SELF-IMPROVEMENT WORKSHOPS Creative Suffering Overcoming Peace of Mind Guilt without Sex The Primal Shrug Ego Gratification through Violence Holding your Child’s Attention through Guilt and Fear Dealing with Post Self-realization Depression Whine and Whimper Your Way to Alienation BUSINESS/CAREER WORKSHOPS Money Can Make You Rich Tawkin’ Good: How to Improve Your Spitch and Get a More Betterer Payn’ Job I Made $100 in Real Estate Career Opportunities in Iran Under-Achiever’s Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities Filler Phrases for Thesis Writers Tax Shelters for the Indigent Looters Guide to American Cities HOME ECONOMICS WORKSHOPS How to Convert Your Family Room into a Rabbit Run How to Cultivate Viruses in your…
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Fun Things To Do While Driving With Kids
Driving with kids getting you down? Try these to spice up your trip while on the road. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors. Two words: Chicken suit. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone. Laugh a lot. A whole lot. Stop at the green lights. Go at the red ones. Occasionally wave a…
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Error Dialogue Haiku
Computing Jokes Wind catches lily scatt’ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. No keyboard present Hit F1 to continue Zengineering? To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. Having been erased, The document you’re seeking Must now be retyped. The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone. With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: “My Novel” not found. The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring…
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Don’t Eat the Forbidden Fruit
Religious Jokes Whenever your kids are out of control you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: “Don’t.” “Don’t what?” Adam asked. “Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit.” God replied. “Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!” “No way!” “WAY!” “Don’t eat that fruit!” said God. “Why?” “Because I am your Father and I said so!” said God, wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break…
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Buying Swimwear
Women Jokes I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as “buying a bathing costume.” When I was a child in the 1950s the bathing costume for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure: boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a darn good job. Today’s stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a figure chipped from marble. The mature woman has a choice. She can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral costume with a…
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Kids Talk About God & Their Mother
Amazing Facts The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given questions: Why did God make mothers? 1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people. 3. Mostly to clean the house. 4. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. Why did God give…
