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Jokes

Covid-19 is making me crack up!

Covid Jokes

Covid-19 is making me crack up!

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

Still haven’t decided where to go for Passover/Easter—– The Living Room or The Bedroom

Public Service Announcement: Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog….. we laughed a lot.

So, after this quarantine…..will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

I’m so excited — it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year”…. I’m offended.

Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under

Thanks for sharing : Originated by Sally O’Reilly by way of Rachel Sager

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Neil Diamond vs CDC on Hands, Touching Hands

Covid Jokes

Neil Diamond: Hands,

CDC: Yes, wash them for at least 20 seconds.

Neil Diamond: touching hands,

CDC: No! Please don’t touch hands!

Neil Diamond: reaching out…

CDC: Avoid that, too!

Neil Diamond: touching me…

CDC: Oh, Hell!

Neil Diamond: Touching You!

CDC: Milpitas is doomed :/

Neil Diamond sings “Sweet Caroline” with updated lyric for safety during Covid-19 pandemic. Stay safe out there!

Coronavirus COVID-19 Updates for Milpitas
As the Coronavirus COVID-19 has hit our city and county particularly hard, I will use this post to keep you updated on important information you will need right here in town. Some posts here will be updated with extra links to Covid-19 information related to their usual topics.

Keeping Hands Clean

Handwashing is one of the best ways to protect yourself and your family from getting sick. Learn when and how you should wash your hands to stay healthy.

Wash Your Hands Often to Stay Healthy

You can help yourself and your loved ones stay healthy by washing your hands often, especially during these key times when you are likely to get and spread germs:

  • Before, during, and after preparing food
  • Before eating food
  • Before and after caring for someone at home who is sick with vomiting or diarrhea
  • Before and after treating a cut or wound
  • After using the toilet
  • After changing diapers or cleaning up a child who has used the toilet
  • After blowing your nose, coughing, or sneezing
  • After touching an animal, animal feed, or animal waste
  • After handling pet food or pet treats
  • After touching garbage

Follow Five Steps to Wash Your Hands the Right Way

Washing your hands is easy, and it’s one of the most effective ways to prevent the spread of germs. Clean hands can stop germs from spreading from one person to another and throughout an entire community—from your home and workplace to childcare facilities and hospitals.

Follow these five steps every time.

  1. Wet your hands with clean, running water (warm or cold), turn off the tap, and apply soap.
  2. Lather your hands by rubbing them together with the soap. Lather the backs of your hands, between your fingers, and under your nails.
  3. Scrub your hands for at least 20 seconds. Need a timer? Hum the “Happy Birthday” song from beginning to end twice.
  4. Rinse your hands well under clean, running water.
  5. Dry your hands using a clean towel or air dry them.

Why? Read the science behind the recommendations.

Use Hand Sanitizer When You Can’t Use Soap and Water

using hand sanitizer
You can use an alcohol-based hand sanitizer that contains at least 60% alcohol if soap and water are not available.

Washing hands with soap and water is the best way to get rid of germs in most situations. If soap and water are not readily available, you can use an alcohol-based hand sanitizer that contains at least 60% alcohol. You can tell if the sanitizer contains at least 60% alcohol by looking at the product label.

Sanitizers can quickly reduce the number of germs on hands in many situations. However,

  • Sanitizers do not get rid of all types of germs.
  • Hand sanitizers may not be as effective when hands are visibly dirty or greasy.
  • Hand sanitizers might not remove harmful chemicals from hands like pesticides and heavy metals.

Caution! Swallowing alcohol-based hand sanitizers can cause alcohol poisoning if more than a couple of mouthfuls are swallowed. Keep it out of reach of young children and supervise their use. Learn more here.

How to use hand sanitizer

  • Apply the gel product to the palm of one hand (read the label to learn the correct amount).
  • Rub your hands together.
  • Rub the gel over all the surfaces of your hands and fingers until your hands are dry. This should take around 20 seconds.

New Handwashing Campaign: Life is Better with Clean Hands

To celebrate Global Handwashing Day on October 15, CDC has launched the Life is Better with Clean Hands campaign. This campaign encourages adults to make handwashing part of their everyday life and encourages parents to wash their hands to set a good example for their kids. Visit the Life is Better with Clean Hands campaign page to download resources to help promote handwashing in your community.

For more information on handwashing, visit CDC’s Handwashing website or call 1-800-CDC-INFO.

More Information

  • in Jokes

Official Market Forecast

Money Jokes

Sales and income figures show an easing up of the rate at which business is easing off. This can be taken as ample proof of the government’s contention that there’s a slowing-up of the slow-down. Now to clarify that, it should be noted that the slowing-up of the slow-down is not as good as an upturn in the down-turn. Also, it suggests that the climate’s about right for an adjustment of the readjustment to rate structures.

Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen

Now, turning specifically to rates. We find a very definite decrease in the rate of increase. This clearly shows there should be a letting up of the letdown.

Of course, if the slow-down should speed up, the decrease in the rate of increase of rates would turn into an increase in the rate of decrease.

And finally, the inflation of the resultant recession would turn the recession into a depression while deflation in the rate of inflation would give the impression of a recession of the depression.

This report is covered by copywrong.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

December 1

Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2

Have Cantabile Children’s Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3

Using candlewick and hand-gilded, miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4

Repaint St. Elizabeth Catholic Church‘s ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5

Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6

Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7

Debug Windows ’10.

December 9

Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11

Lay Faberge egg.

December 12

Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13

Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

December 14

Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15

Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at Great Mall.

December 17

Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19

Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20

Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21

Drain city pool; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22

Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23

Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24

Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25

Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 27

Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 29

Build snowman from tumble weed in exact likeness of God.

December 31

New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Night Before Christmas for Mom

T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode,
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
While visions of iPads and Baby Sharks flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
With a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
Our homeschooling mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
Which made her sigh, “Now what’s the matter?”

With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
“Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I have to clean the rug.”

“Ho-ho-ho!” cried Santa, “I’m glad you’re awake.”
“Your gift was especially difficult to make.”
“Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone.”
“Exactly!” he chuckled, “I’ve made you a clone.”

“A clone?” she asked, “What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I’ve no time for chit-chat.”
The mother’s twin. Same hair, same eyes,
Same double chin. “She’ll cook! She’ll dust!”

Overworked Mother

“She’ll mop every mess! You’ll relax, take it easy!
Watch The Young & the Restless…” “Fantastic!” the mom cheered.
“My dream come true! I’ll shop. I’ll read,
I’ll sleep a whole night through!”

From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
“Mommy?! I scared… and I ‘m wet.”
The clone replied, “I’m coming, sweetheart.”
“Hey,” the mom smiled, “She knows her part!”

The clone changed the small one and hummed her a tune,
as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
“You’re the best mommy ever. I really love you.”
The clone smiled and sighed, “I love you, too.”

The mom frowned and said, “Sorry, Santa, no deal.”
That’s my child’s love she’s trying to steal.”
Smiling wisely Santa said, “To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here.”

The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
“Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget it won’t be very long,
When they’ll be too old for my cradle-song.”

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, “It works every time.”
With the clone by his side Santa said, “Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, Mom. You’ll be all right.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Apartment Hunting With A Large Family

A large family, with seven children, were moving to Milptias. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family.

After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery while he took the older three to find an apartment.

After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right.

Then the landlord asked the usual question: “How many children do you have?”

The father answered with a deep sigh, “Seven… but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery.”

He got the apartment!

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

I Think Santa Claus is a Woman

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

Santa is a Woman

For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec.24th, when they (with amazing calm) call other errant men for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa PROBABLY isn’t a man:

  • Men can’t pack a bag.
  • Men would rather be dead than be caught wearing red velvet.
  • Men would feel their masculinity is threatened…having to be seen with all those elves.
  • Men don’t answer their mail.
  • Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
  • Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
  • Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole’s version of “The Christmas Song,” it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she’d quit dressing like a guy!!!

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

High Tech Church Built in Milpitas

Religious Jokes

A wealthy Silicon Valley venture capitalist went to his vicar and said, “I want you and your wife to take a three month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I’ll have a surprise for you.”

The vicar accepted the offer and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.

Three months later they returned to Milpitas and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them while they were gone, he had had a new church built. “It’s the finest building money can buy, vicar,” said the man, “No expense was spared.” He was right: it was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.

But there was one striking difference: there was only one pew and it was at the very back.

“A church with only one pew?” asked the vicar.

“You just wait until Sunday,” said the rich man.

When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reach the front of the church it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.

“Wonderful!” said the vicar. “Marvelous!”

The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o’clock came, he was still going strong with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.

“Wonderful!” said the congregation. “Marvelous!”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Greatest Baseball Player in the World

In Memory of Joe DiMaggio

Little Pitcher

A Milpitas boy was overheard talking to himself as he strode through his backyard, baseball cap in place and toting ball and bat.

“I’m the greatest baseball player in the world.” he said proudly. Then he tossed the ball in the air, swung and missed.

Undaunted, he picked up the ball, threw it into the air and said to himself, “I’m the greatest baseball player ever!”

He swung at the ball again, and again he missed. He paused a moment to examine the bat and ball carefully.

Then once again he threw the ball into the air and said, “I’m the greatest baseball player who ever lived.”

He swung the bat hard and again missed the ball.

“Wow!” he exclaimed. “What a pitcher!”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Youth Sports for Kids in Milpitas

  • in Jokes

Bad Mistakes On Resumés

Here are some real-life examples of bad mistakes on resumés:

“My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.”

“Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”

“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Milpitas chain store.”

“Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.”

“I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”

“I am a rabid typist.”

“Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side.”

“Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.”

“Proven ability to track down and correct erors.”

“Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.”

“I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.”

“References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”

“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”

“Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.”

“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

“I procrastinate–especially when the task is unpleasant.”

“I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemanil.”

“Qualifications: No education or experience.”

“Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”

“Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”

“Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!”

Cover letter: “Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Working in Milpitas

  • in Jokes
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