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Neil Diamond vs CDC on Hands, Touching Hands
Covid Jokes Neil Diamond: Hands, CDC: Yes, wash them for at least 20 seconds. Neil Diamond: touching hands, CDC: No! Please don’t touch hands! Neil Diamond: reaching out… CDC: Avoid that, too! Neil Diamond: touching me… CDC: Oh, Hell! Neil Diamond: Touching You! CDC: Milpitas is doomed :/ Neil Diamond sings “Sweet Caroline” with updated lyric for safety during Covid-19 pandemic. Stay safe out there! Coronavirus COVID-19 Updates for Milpitas As the Coronavirus COVID-19 has hit our city and county particularly hard, I will use this post to keep you updated on important information you will need right here in town. Some posts here will be updated with extra links…
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Official Market Forecast
Money Jokes Sales and income figures show an easing up of the rate at which business is easing off. This can be taken as ample proof of the government’s contention that there’s a slowing-up of the slow-down. Now to clarify that, it should be noted that the slowing-up of the slow-down is not as good as an upturn in the down-turn. Also, it suggests that the climate’s about right for an adjustment of the readjustment to rate structures. Now, turning specifically to rates. We find a very definite decrease in the rate of increase. This clearly shows there should be a letting up of the letdown. Of course, if the…
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Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Cantabile Children’s Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded, miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint St. Elizabeth Catholic Church‘s ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows ’10. December 9 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect…
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Night Before Christmas for Mom
T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode, Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode. The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds, While visions of iPads and Baby Sharks flipped through their heads. The dad was snoring in front of the TV, With a half-constructed bicycle on his knee. Our homeschooling mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter, Which made her sigh, “Now what’s the matter?” With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand, She descended the stairs, and saw the old man. He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug. “Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I…
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Apartment Hunting With A Large Family
A large family, with seven children, were moving to Milptias. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family. After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery while he took the older three to find an apartment. After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right. Then the landlord asked the usual question: “How many children do you have?” The father answered with a deep sigh, “Seven… but four are with their dear mother in…
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I Think Santa Claus is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec.24th, when they (with amazing calm) call other errant men for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and…
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High Tech Church Built in Milpitas
Religious Jokes A wealthy Silicon Valley venture capitalist went to his vicar and said, “I want you and your wife to take a three month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I’ll have a surprise for you.” The vicar accepted the offer and he and his wife went off to the Middle East. Three months later they returned to Milpitas and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them while they were gone, he had had a new church built. “It’s the finest building money can buy, vicar,” said the man, “No expense was spared.” He was right: it was a magnificent edifice…
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Greatest Baseball Player in the World
In Memory of Joe DiMaggio A Milpitas boy was overheard talking to himself as he strode through his backyard, baseball cap in place and toting ball and bat. “I’m the greatest baseball player in the world.” he said proudly. Then he tossed the ball in the air, swung and missed. Undaunted, he picked up the ball, threw it into the air and said to himself, “I’m the greatest baseball player ever!” He swung at the ball again, and again he missed. He paused a moment to examine the bat and ball carefully. Then once again he threw the ball into the air and said, “I’m the greatest baseball player who…
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Bad Mistakes On Resumés
Here are some real-life examples of bad mistakes on resumés: “My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.” “Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.” “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Milpitas chain store.” “Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.” “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.” “I am a rabid typist.” “Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side.” “Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.” “Proven ability to track…
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Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died
Animal Jokes & Milpitas Jokes Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn’t leave the farm, so Lena took the Altamont Corridor Express to Escalon to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull. The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was…
