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Samuel Goldwyn’s Silly Quotations
Philosopical Jokes Samuel Goldwyn: Legendary movie producer: (1882-1974) Samuel Goldwyn was known for his misuse of the English language. Here are some of my favorite Goldwynisms: “An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.” “Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.” “I had a great idea this morning, but I didn’t like it.” “Gentlemen, include me out.” “A hospital is no place to be sick.” “If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive.” “I read part of it all the way through.” “If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.” “That’s the trouble with directors. Always biting the…
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How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Women Jokes ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the lightbulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find and change the lightbulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change…
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The Original Trojan Horse Warning
Animal Jokes & Computing Jokes FROM: laocoon@doomgloom.edu TO: Trojan Army Listserv < Trojans-L@troy.org > RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS! Hey Hector, This was forwarded to me by Cassandra–it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings. Thanks, Laocoon WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY! The “gift” is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that…
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Cultural Differences Explained
Milpitas Jokes This is to help my Asian American and Chicano friends better understand the cultural differences among Anglo cultural groups. We aren’t all alike! There are basically four types: Aussies (Australians), Brits (Great Britain), Canadians (And don’t you DARE call them anything else!) and your typical, everyday Milpitan (American mutt.) Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club. Milpitans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves. Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job. Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being…
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An Interview With Santa’s Lawyer
Please state your name and occupation. My name is Marta Pittman, and I’m a partner at the Law Office of Garry Barbadillo. And you’re Santa Claus’ lawyer. That is correct. More accurately, I’m the partner in charge of our firm’s Seasonal Litigation and Clearances practice, which has as a client Nicolas North LLC, Santa’s corporate entity. I wasn’t aware that Santa needed to have his own corporation. Of course he does. One, Santa heads a massive global enterprise, whose activities are spread over a wide range of areas. Having a corporate structure allows him a measure of organization and systematization. Two, Santa has a large number of employees, mostly elves,…
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An Engineer Calculates Santa’s Trip
Animal Jokes by Richard Waller, Spy magazine, January 1990. 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household,…
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20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.) Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it,”Top Secret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here!” Give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.”…
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Being A Parent
Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke about Family Life and Parenting Being a parent is like being pecked to death by a duck. Raising teenagers is a lot like nailing Jello to a tree. Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Your life’s “Golden Age” is the period in your life when your kids are too old to require a babysitter and too young to take the car. Shouting at your children to get cooperation is about the same as steering your car using the horn…same results. To be in your children’s memories tomorrow one must be in their life today. The best advice regarding raising your children…
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The History of Math Word Problems
Teaching Math in 1950: – (traditional math) A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: – (new math) A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M.” The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20…
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There Are No Fish Under The Ice!
Milpitas Jokes A blonde woman notices the popularity of ice fishing in Silicon Valley, and decides to try it for herself. Determined to take the sport up properly, she heads to the library and reads, not one, but three books on ice fishing from cover to cover. Armed with a list of ice fishing gear, she heads to the nearest sporting goods store to pick out top-notch equipment. The next day, the woman heads to the nearest frozen pond and begins to set up the stool she had purchased. Settling in, she reaches for her saw and begins to cut a hole through the ice. Booming from above comes a…
