Jokes

Milpitas Jokes

Finding Good Deals in Milpitas:

Sign in a Milpitas gas station: Coke — 49 cents. Two for a dollar!

How Milpitas Clerks Check For Valid VISA Cards:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.

She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Milpitans and Those Card Readers:

At a grocery store in Milpitas, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don’t know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, “Strip down, face toward me.”

Editor’s Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?

Milpitans Do Fast Food Math:

A customer at a Milpitas sub shop ordered “a small soda.” The owner responded, “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t have small, just medium and large.” (Both cost 99 cents.)

The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, “Okay, I guess I’ll just have to have the medium then.”

Milpitans and Geography:

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as ‘rather monosyllabic.’ My boss said, “Really? Where is Monosyllabia?”

Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Ebonia. He replied, “Oh, you mean over by Croatia?”

Advice for Tech Workers:

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees.”

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.”

Milpitans up in the Hills:

I live in the Milpitas hills. We recently had a new neighbor call the local city administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

Milpitans and Computers:

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a Milpitas bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

“I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”

Milpitans Are Easy To Please

My son’s friend was sitting in his Milpitas High science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. His lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. He explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

Milpitans In Food Services

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Milpitans Do Math:

A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit from Milpitas for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, “She’s half as old as I am, that’s how I always remember.”

So someone else (okay, it was me) said, “That’s neat… So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?” My co-worker thought about that, and then said, “Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Milpitas Jokes

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Silicon Valley, California; as it happens, in the Milpitas hills.

They’re driving a rental car along a rare deserted highway. It’s late, and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control!

Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??”

“I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “we don’t have a phone. But my master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him.”

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.”

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upsets Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill’s hand twitch.

Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

(Don’t page down unless you have a strong stomach…)

(You sure you want to know?)

“Master, Master!… The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.