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Tag: <span>Computing Jokes</span>

All the Urban Legends Rolled Into One

Amazing Facts & Computing Jokes

No need to read all those other urban legends, etc. ever again. Here they are, all in one:

I know this guy in Milpitas whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub, it was full of ice, and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said, “Call 911!” But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled “Join the crew!”

He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It’s true – I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, “Welcome to the world of AIDS.”

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital – the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

And it’s a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

You Know You Live in Milpitas When…

Computing Jokes & Milpitas Jokes

  1. You make over $250,000 and still can’t afford a house.
  2. You see nothing but expensive cars because of <above>.
  3. You have more bandwidth in your apartment or condo than most major universities.
  4. Your commute time is 45 minutes and you live 8 miles from work.
  5. You see a billboard that says “FGPA2ASIC” and aren’t fazed.
  6. You stop asking how much things cost and start asking “How long will it take?”
  7. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
  8. You don’t understand how the FasTrak work because you normally don’t commute during those hours.
  9. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
  10. Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
  11. You know that “PARC” isn’t some place to walk your dog.
  12. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
  13. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
  14. You know the name of the manager of every coffee house in Silicon Valley.
  15. You know vast and subtle differences between Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Cantonese, and Korean food.
  16. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
  17. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
  18. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
  19. Gas cost $1.75 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
  20. When you need the updated Diamond Monster 3D drivers, you just walk across the street.
  21. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
  22. It’s sprinkling and there’s a report on every news station about “The Storm Watch!”
  23. You can no longer run the air conditioner because the gas and electric bills are 3 times higher than anywhere else in the country!
  24. You scan yard sales for back issues of “Dr. Dobbs.”
  25. You were born somewhere else.
  26. Your favorite computer reseller speaks only Cantonese.
  27. Your workplace vending machines dispense “100% natural twig-bars” right next to Jolt cola and Instant Espresso mix.
  28. You know how to eat an artichoke.
  29. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
  30. No one brings radios into work – they just use RealAudio and listen to thedj.com, rebelradio.com, or other out-of-state stations.
  31. Your car has bulletproof windows.
  32. You /lost/never had/don’t know how to set/ the alarm clock. You’ll just get to work when you get there.
  33. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
  34. Your mouse has only one ball.
  35. Your home computer contains mostly hardware/software that isn’t on the consumer market yet.
  36. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
  37. You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
  38. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
  39. You go to “The City” on weekends but don’t live there because you like your car.
  40. You think that “I’m going to Fry’s Electronics” is an acceptable excuse to leave the office for a while. And your boss does too.
  41. You know it’s Christmas Day because the parking lots at the electronics companies are only half full.
  42. You go to an industrial-heavy-metal bar and see two guys get into a fight over what flavor of UNIX is better.
  43. Your family tree contains significant others.
  44. You have completely forgotten how to write longhand.
  45. Your cat has it’s own psychiatrist.
  46. Your dog died of inattention.
  47. So did your cat.
  48. You spend more time checking the value of your stock options than you do at the gym, but you’re still paying $25 monthly for a membership to a place you haven’t visited in 18 months.
  49. You have no idea your apartment/house is really dirty because you haven’t seen it during daylight hours in over two years.
  50. You have to think twice before you realize that “beta blocker” is a medical term, not some new exotic software.
  51. You’ve replaced your box of floppies with a box of Zip disks, but that’s just until you get your box of Jaz disks.
  52. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
  53. More than clothes come out of the closets.
  54. When “the Dead” are best live.
  55. You go to the movies and EVERYBODY claps along with the SciFi theme music.
  56. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
  57. Your kids grew up and went to college but you’re palm-top still has a standing notation to drop by Toys ‘R’ Us to pick up a dozen packs of disposable diapers, but they’re always closed when you finally get there.
  58. You meet a friend for lunch and the first topic is where they are working now.
  59. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
  60. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
  61. Smoking in your office is not optional.
  62. You entice prospective employees to join your company by bragging about the speed of your internet connection.
  63. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
  64. You own more than 10 articles of clothing that have hardware and/or software companies printed on them. (Bonus for embroidered stuff.)
  65. When you can’t schedule a meeting because you must “do lunch.”
  66. You know where Woz Way, Resistor Ave, Infinite Loop and Floppy Drive are located.
  67. You know where Woz is.
  68. You think Steve Jobs is a “hunk.”
  69. Even though Microsoft employs quite a few programmers in the Bay Area, they only work on PowerPoint, and the company is still the embodiment of Satan. (Even if their stock IS worth more than yours.)
  70. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
  71. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
  72. You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman.
  73. If it weren’t for Trader Joe’s frozen meals, you’d starve to death.
  74. You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
  75. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
  76. You really meant to change the oil in your car 50,000 miles ago.
  77. You know Hwy 280 North runs west, and Hwy 680 North runs East.
  78. When all highways into the state say “No fruits!”
  79. All highways out of the state say “Go back!”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Error Dialogue Haiku

Computing Jokes

Wind catches lily
scatt’ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zengineering?

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can’t bridge

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Errors have occurred.
We won’t tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

Server’s poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Everything is gone;
Your life’s work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.

This site has been moved.
We’d tell you where, but then we’d
have to delete you.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the, please Hal

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: “File not found.”

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

The Original Trojan Horse Warning

Animal Jokes & Computing Jokes

FROM: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
TO: Trojan Army Listserv < Trojans-L@troy.org >

RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!

Hey Hector,

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra–it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks,
Laocoon

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

trojan horse

IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

The “gift” is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.

DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Poseidon

FROM: hector@studmuffin.com
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
CC: priam@timeo.danaos.et.dona.ferentis.gr

RE: Greeks bearing gifts

Laocoon,

I hate to break it to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is.

I’ve seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the “Midas Touch.”

Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1) This “Forward this message to everyone you know” crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phoenicians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

3) It’s signed “from Poseidon.” Granted he’s had his problems with Odysseus but he’s one of their guys, isn’t he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you’ve been around the block a couple times you’ll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,

Hector

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Computer Problem Report Form

Computing Jokes
1. Describe your problem:

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

4. Problem Severity:
Minor
Minor
Minor
Trivial

5. Nature of the problem:
Locked Up
Frozen
Hung
Strange Smell

6. Is your computer plugged in?
Yes ….. No

7. Is it turned on?
Yes ….. No

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Yes ….. No

9. Have you made it worse?
Yes

10. Have you had “a friend” who “Knows all about computers” try to fix it for you?
Yes ….. No

11. Did they make it even worse?
Yes

12. Have you read the manual?
Yes ….. No

13. Are you sure you’ve read the manual?
Maybe ….. No

14. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual?
No

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it?
Yes ….. No

16. If ‘Yes’ then explain why you can’t fix the problem yourself.

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

l8. If you answered ‘nothing’ then explain why you were logged in?

l9. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem?
Yes ….. No

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00?
Yes ….. What’s a VCR?

21. Do you have a copy of ‘PCs for Dummies’?
Yes ….. No

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem?
Yes ….. No

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work?
Yes ….. No

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on?
Yes ….. No

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top?
Yes ….. No

26. Is the machine on fire?
Yes ….. Not Yet

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me?
Yes

Yes, I know there is no “SUBMIT” button.