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Jokes

In My Next Life I Want To Be A Bear

Animal Jokes

In my next life I want to be a bear.

If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.

I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid.

I could deal with that, too.

If you’re a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.

I could definitely deal with that.

If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.

I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. He KNOWS not to get between you and the food.

Yup….. Gonna be a bear.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorites

My favorite jokes found online over the years. Some jokes given a Milpitas twist.

Jokes By Topic

Alphabetical List

Advice For Married Women: Then and Now
Just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you’d like to eat and at what time.

The Addition Game – Will Muppet Win Trip to Milpitas?
Video: If Muppet Harry Monster correctly guesses what 3+1 is, he will win a trip to Milpitas, California.
Education Jokes, Milpitas Jokes

AI Tax Preparer Program
Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program.

All the Urban Legends Rolled Into One
No need to read all those other urban legends, etc. ever again. Here they are, all in one.
,

Apartment Hunting With A Large Family 
Father figures out how to get apartment even though he has a large family.

Are we there yet?
Dr. Fauci driving SUV with lots of kids yelling, “Are we there yet?” as approaching “Normal” lane marker.
.

Are You Acting Too Much Like a Teacher?
Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

The Art Sold, but …
An artist asked the Yolette, curator at the Community Art and History Museums, if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

Bad Mistakes On Resumes
“Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”

Being A Parent
Being a parent is like being pecked to death by a duck.

Bernie @ Milpitas City Hall
Put Bernie at your place!
.

Beware of Bears
The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Yosemite, Tahoe, and Northern Sierra areas.

Biggest Lies
Campaign financing has nothing to do with how I vote.

Breaking News Joke
Women age 30-59 are most likely to carry CORONOVIRUS without symptoms! The local spas and wineries are the designated local quarantine centers.

Buying Swimwear
I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume.
,

Buzzword Bingo
My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.

Camping With Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip in the Sunol Regional Wilderness. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”

Catholic Litany In A Pinch
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in Milpitas. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

Christmas Carol Quiz
These are the names of well-known Christmas caroles, rewritten in PC (pretty convoluted). If you like puzzles, try to decipher them.
,

Christmas Riddles 
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
,

Christmas Riddles, Puns and Jokes 
Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit? They both drop their needles.
, ,

Classes We’d Really Like To See Offered At the Community Center
Self-Improvement, Business/Career, Home Ec, Health & Fitness, Crafts

Computer Problem Report Form
Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.

Coronavirus Quarantine Travel Puns
*Oman*, I really can’t wait to *Rome* around. *Venice* this going to get over? You can’t say when this lockdown will be over, *Kenya*? This *Spain* is real.

Covid Advice for Geeks
COVID advice from Silicon Valley County Health Department, which has been sending out advice in many languages. Seems appropriate they also send it out in code!

Covid-19 BINGO
Usual BINGO rules, with this exception: If any game player sees someone sneeze or cough without a mask and into the open air, the game is over, and the player with most boxes covered wins that round.

Covid-19 is making me crack up!
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

Cultural Differences Explained
This is to help my Asian American and Chicano friends better understand the differences among Anglo cultural groups.

Daily Affirmations to Avoid
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. Also, Affirmations for COVID-19 Anxiety.

Dating in the Time of Coronavirus
We went speed dating on Zoom and found love. You’ve seen the events announcements here for online speed dating, right? So here’s how it works for these singles.
, ,

The Day the NASDAQ Died
A long, long week ago
I can still remember how the market used to make me smile…

Densa IQ Test
You’ve heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with IQ’s of 140 and above?

Determining the Height of a Tall Building
Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.

Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit 
“Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!”

Educator At An Accident
An educator uses her first aid training upon coming upon a bad car accident.

Educator Goes to Milpitas
A beautiful, blonde educator gets on an airplane and sits down in first class.

An Engineer Calculates Santa’s Trip
No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer.
, ,

Equal Employment Opportunity
Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and MUST be bilingual.

Error Dialog Haiku
Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? Solon Magazine

Everyday Maxims
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Excellent Advice I’ve Learned From Watching Scary Movies 
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

Fire at the Semiconductor Plant 
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight.
,

Fishermen Catch A Mermaid
Three Homeschool Dads go fishing, catch a mermaid and demand their IQ’s be increased.

Forgetful Poem
My forgetter’s getting better, But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but, To me, that is no joke.

Fruit Cake Recipe
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Put it down somewhere. Check the whiskey again.
,

Fun Things To Do While Driving With Kids
Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.

God is Missing. We’re in Trouble! 
If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are  probably involved.
,

Greatest Baseball Player in the World
A homeschooling boy was overheard talking to himself, baseball cap in place and toting ball and bat.

Hacker Barbie®
MATTEL announces the latest in their new line of Barbie® products.

Halloween Riddles
About a 100 Halloween Riddles to tickle your Funny Bone.
, .

High Tech Church Built in Milpitas
“A church with only one pew?” asked the vicar.

Highs and Lows of Wearing Face Masks
Due to the order to wear face masks, some humorous observations have been made.

Hills Meet Their Fate In Milpitas
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Silicon Valley, California; as it happens, in the Milpitas hills.

The History of Math Word Problems
Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Homespun Couple Visit Harvard President
The President of Harvard made a mistake by prejudging people and it cost him dearly.

Homework Policy
Long Term Assignments: These are given the night before they are due.
,

Housework Training Courses Now Available For Men
Introduction to Common Household Objects I:
The Mop.
.

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

How Many Facebook Users Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in the Go Milpitas Facebook Group?
Online Life Jokes

How many HR Staff Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
One actual HR staff member to change the light bulb.

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

How Milpitans Do It
Finding Good Deals in Milpitas: Coke 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

How Poor We Really Are
One day a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were.

How to Pronounce This Place
MIL-pit-as; Mil-pit-ASS; Mil-PEET-us?

How We Know Santa’s Reindeer Are Female
Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
, ,

HTML Song
You’ve got to code it in H T M L. (To the tune of “YMCA.”)

I Think Santa Claus is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it.
,

I Will Survive, Coronavirus version for teachers going online by Michael Bruening
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to zoom, I know I’ll be alive
My students still will learn
And my paychecks I will earn and I’ll survive…

In Memory of Those Who Died in the Service
One Sunday morning, the pastor, Ole, noticed little Andy was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
,

In My Next Life I Want To Be A Bear
If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Installing Love
Steps to becoming a loving person described in terms of installing a computer program on a PC.

An Interview with Santa’s Lawyer
Please state your name and occupation. My name is Marta Pittman, and I’m a partner at the Law Office of Garry Barbadillo.

Is everyone ok?
Everyone check on your friends. We have a rider down.
,

Kids Talk About God & Their Mother 
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We’re related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

Kurt Vonnegut’s Commencement Address At MIT
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’97: Wear sunscreen.

The Last Page of the Internet
Thank you for visiting the End of the Internet. There are no more links.

Legoland Discovery Center at Great Mall Reopening
Covid-19 Updates regarding the Lego Discovery Center at the Great Mall in Milpitas.

Letter From A Scout
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.

Letter From Santa
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced.
, .

Licking Is Totally the Same as Hand-washing, Right?
Me: Did you wash your hands? 4-year-old: No. Me: Why are your hands wet?
,

Litter Problem Solved
A few years ago, the City of Milpitas had a litter problem.

Look, I don’t come into your home office and tell you to get out of the tub!
Visual cartoon.
, .

Man Prays to Swap Life With His Wife
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home, so he prayed.
,

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
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Maxims of Old Age
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it. I run like the winded.
, , .

Maxims to Share
Maxims like: When you ask me what I’m doing today, and I say “Nothing,” it does not mean I’m free. It means I’m doing nothing.
.

Milk With A Little Coffee In It
Customer: I’d like a milk with some coffee in it.
.

Milpitan Vacations In Rome
A Milpitan walked in to The Park Victoria Barber Shop for his regular haircut.
Milpitas Jokes

Milpitas Cowboy’s Guide to Life
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
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Milpitas High School Teacher Arrested at San Jose Airport
A Milpitas high school teacher was arrested today at Norman Y. Mineta San Jose International Airport as he attempted to board a flight…
.

Milpitas Role in Telecom History
Silva has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Milpitas had already gone wireless.
Computing Jokes

Mom Song Mom’s Song and Teen’s Answer
What a mom says in 24 hours, condensed into 2 minutes and 55 seconds. Sung to the William Tell Overture, by Anita Renfroe.

The Mommy Test
How do mommys know all those things?

Mother’s Dictionary
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Mr. Nobody
I know a funny little man, as quiet as a mouse, who does the mischief that is done in everybody’s house!

Mustard
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

Naked Truth about Covid-19 and Sheltering in Place
So we’re into our 5th month of defeating COVID-19. These words made me laugh but there’s a lot of truth mixed in to consider. . .

Neil Diamond vs CDC on Hands, Touching Hands
Neil Diamond: Hands,
CDC: Yes, wash them for at least 20 seconds.
Neil Diamond: touching hands,
CDC: No! Please don’t touch hands!
, ,

Next “Survivor” Show
6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids for 6 weeks.
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New Vocabulary Words
Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Night Before Christmas for Mom
T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode,
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.

No Cookies, No Candy, No Gum 
Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.
.

Official Market Forecast
Sales and income figures show an easing up of the rate at which business is easing off.

An Old Man Asks to Talk to President Trump
“I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer President…”

Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died
… so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one.

On the Revelation of William Bennett’s Gambling Habit
Bill Bennett told a grateful nation,
‘Be moral. Just resist temptation.’

Other People
Have you ever thought any of these statement ever applied to “other people” who were not like you?
.

Original Trojan Horse Warning
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra–it looks legit.
,

The Origin Of The Internet
And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
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Painting the Porch
“How would you like to paint the porch?”
.

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race
…and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
, .

Philosophy of Life
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
Philosophical Jokes

Pie Throwing Trend in Milpitas
“… java virtual machine …” – WHAM – call the dry cleaners.
.

Planning the Company Holiday Party 
I’m happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue.
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Pledge of Allegiance
A child’s version of the Pledge, and a link to a site about safety around fireworks.
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Proverbs: Kids’ Versions
Better Be Safe Than . . . Punch A 5th Grader.
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Put on your groaning face…. More puns.
More puns-A pun has not completely matured until it is full groan. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
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Puttin’ on the Hitz
Have you seen the well to do? Up and down Calaveras Avenue?
On that famous thoroughfare, With their noses in the air?

Quarantine Insights One-liners
Whose idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.

A Recap of the First Three Weeks with Covid-19
AMERICA: Oh my god! Coronavirus! What should we do?
CALIFORNIA: Shut down your state.
AMERICA: Wait… what? Why?
CALIFORNIA: Because 40 million people live here and we did it early, and it’s working.
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Recipe For Doing the Family Wash 
Written in its original spelling for a bride a few generations ago.
Family Life Jokes, Women Jokes

Relative Importance in 2020 So Far
The most accurate graph I’ve seen during this pandemic!

Retirement Through the Eyes of a Child
After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following…
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The Ring Bearer
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.

A Round Tuit
Are you always saying you’ll get around to it? Well, here’s a *round tuit* for you.

Rudolf, The Red
An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
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Samuel Goldwyn’s Silly Quotations
“An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”

Santa’s Prayer
The sleigh was all packed, the reindeer were fed,
But Santa still knelt by the side of the bed.
, .

Santa’s Workshop Bought By Bill Gates – 2020 Version
‘Twas the night before Christmas, When all through the house
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
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Science Explained By Children 
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.
,

Seven Wonders of the World
A group of Geography students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World.

Short History of Medicine
I have an earache: 2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Java
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

Silly Quotations: Samuel Goldwyn
“An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”

Siren Sounds
Shoe thief tries to exchange the uncomfortable shoes at Mervyns, and more incredible crimes.

Stop complaining! You need to keep it on.
2019 Stop complaining! You need to keep it on. It’s for your own good. 2020 Dog grins at master wearing face mask.
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Taking a Load of Penguins to the Zoo
Penguins get a lift to the zoo. (Links about penguins and places to see them.)

Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter 
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

There Are No Fish Under The Ice!
A blonde woman notices the popularity of ice fishing in Milpitas, and decides to try it for herself.

This Sound Like City Council?
“When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, …”

Thoughts for the Day
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
.

The turkey shot out of the oven
The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air, it knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.
,

Top 21 Signs That You Work in Milpitas
Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Milpitas Jokes, On the Job Jokes

20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
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US Standard Railroad Gauge
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 ft 8 1/2 in (1.44 m). That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Value of Time
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who has failed his exam.

Wacky Warnings & Instructions
On a package of bread-pudding mix: Product will be hot after heating.

Ways to Confuse Trick-or-Treaters in Milpitas
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs.
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Ways to Really Annoy Telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along
Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’, From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’, I’m happy although my boss let me go Happily addicted to the Web.
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Were you a kid in the Fifties or so?
Everybody makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids snicker. Twenty-something’s shudder and say “Eeeew!” But was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for yourself.
Philosophical Jokes

What Does The Frog Say?
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
,

When Riding a Dead Horse
When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
,

Where Do Pets Come From?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer: “Where do pets come from?”
,

Where’s Waldo? Social Distancing Edition
When I saw the cartoon today, it made me think of how the things we took for granted as a child back then are no longer considered “SAFE.”
.

William Shakespeare Gets His Covid Vaccine
William Shakespeare becomes the 2nd person to receive the Pfizer-BioNTech #COVID19 vaccine (outside of a trial) in Coventry, England; jokes start.
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You Know You Live in Milpitas When…
You make $120,000 a year, but can’t find a place to live.
, , ,

You Might Teach At Middle School If…
You can converse in middle schoolese. You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt licks. You have no life from August through June.
,

Family Life Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Apartment Hunting With A Large Family
Father figures out how to get apartment even though he has a large family.

Being A Parent
Being a parent is like being pecked to death by a duck.

How Poor We Really Are
One day a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were.

Licking Is Totally the Same as Hand-washing, Right?
Me: Did you wash your hands? 4-year-old: No. Me: Why are your hands wet?

Mr. Nobody
I know a funny little man, as quiet as a mouse, who does the mischief that is done in everybody’s house!

Mustard
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

Night Before Christmas for Mom
T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode,
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.

Recipe For Doing the Family Wash 
Written in its original spelling for a bride a few generations ago.

Retirement Through the Eyes of a Child
After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following…

The Ring Bearer
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.

Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Ways to Really Annoy Telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

You Know You Live in Milpitas When…
You make $250,000 a year, but can’t find a place to live.

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Recipe For Doing the Family Wash

Written in its original spelling for a bride a few generations ago.

  1. bild a fire in back yard to heet kettle of rain water.
  2. set tubs so smoke won’t blow in eyes if wind is pert.
  3. shave one hold cake lie sope in bilin water.
  4. sort things, make three piles. 1 pile white. 1 pile cullord. 1 pile work britches and rags.
  5. stur flour in cold water to smooth, then thin down with bilin water.
  6. rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, then bile, rub collord, but don’t bile – just rench & starch.
  7. take white things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then rench, blew, and starch.
  8. spred tee towels on grass.
  9. hang old rags on fence.
  10. pore rench water on flower bed.
  11. scrub porch with hot sopey water.
  12. turn tubs upside down.
  13. go put on cleen dress – smooth hair with side combs – brew cup of tee – set and rest and rock a spell and count blessins.”

Milpitan Vacations in Rome

A Milpitan walked in to The Park Victoria Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Anthony asks “What’s up?”

The Milpitan proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome.

“ROME?!” Anthony says, “Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You’d be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” the Milpitan replies.

“TWA?!” yells Anthony. “They’re a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late! So where you staying in Rome?”

The Milpitan says “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriot.”

“That DUMP?!” says Anthony. “That’s the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they’re overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?”

The Milpitan says “We’re going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope.”

“HA! That’s rich!” laughs Anthony. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You’re going to need it!”

A month later, the Milpitan comes in for his regular haircut. Anthony says, “Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!”

“No, quite the opposite” explained the Milpitan. “Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!”

“Hmmm,” Anthony says, “Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described.”

“No, quite the opposite! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling. It’s the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!”

“Well,” Anthony mumbles, “I KNOW you didn’t get to see the Pope!”

“Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”

Impressed, Anthony asks, “Tell me, please! What’d he say?”

“Oh, not much really. Just “Where’d you get that awful haircut?”

[The Park Victoria Barber Shop gave excellent men’s haircuts and was only picked on for this joke because they are good sports and long-time businessmen here in Milpitas. Photo taken by Mel Rose and used with his, and their, permission. The Park Victoria Barber Shop used to be located on the south side of the Ocean Market at Park Victoria and Calaveras Blvd. It is now closed.]

The turkey shot out of the oven

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

By Jack Prelutsky

To the tune of “My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean.”

The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there’d never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance,
It smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn’t a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I’d never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn’t been popped.

Women Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Advice For Married Women: Then and Now
Just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you’d like to eat and at what time.

Buying Swimwear
I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume.

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Mom Song Mom’s Song and Teen’s Answer
What a mom says in 24 hours, condensed into 2 minutes and 55 seconds. Sung to the William Tell Overture, by Anita Renfroe.

The Mommy Test
How do mommys know all those things?

Mother’s Dictionary
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

No Cookies, No Candy, No Gum 
Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.

Recipe For Doing the Family Wash 
Written in its original spelling for a bride a few generations ago.

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Add Later

Basic Pregnancy Questions
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Mother: Do You Know What One Is?
“I’m a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations.”

 

Fruit Cake Recipe

 

“Fruit cakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage a fruit cake.” – Dave Barry

Real Fruit Cake Recipes Below
California Recipes on Go Milpitas
Note to those wondering why a “booze” joke is on a homeschool site

You’ll need the following:

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Put it down somewhere.

Check the whiskey again.

To be sure it’s the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in that large, fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay.

Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer! It’s splattered dough everywhere!

Beat two leggs and add to the fluffy bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the tuner.

If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity… Whew is it hot in here ?

Okay.. Next, sift two cups of salt… or something.

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon … urp … juice and strain your sugar or something … Who cares? Whatever the heck you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Check the whishkey again.

Throw up in the bowl and go to bed.

Happy Holidays

Real Fruit Cake Recipes

My apologies to all those who came here from a search engine expecting a real fruit cake recipe. Here are some real fruit cake recipe sites…

Note to those wondering why a “booze” joke is on a community website

To those in the Temperance Union: You will notice, if you go through the links on my page, that links for “whiskey” lead to information about the Whiskey Rebellion, the Temperance Movement, the dangers of drinking, and how the distillation of whiskey influenced American and Canadian history, and that the last link to “Throw up…” is to Alcoholics Anonymous 🙂

Sometimes a bit of humor can help a family that is in denial find the resources they need to cope with alcoholism, and get help. I find it does a better job of getting people to AA than attempting to lecture.

You’ll find I do this a lot on my site: just gently persuade adults and children to look a little deeper into matters, but with a gentle, gloved hand and a light heart.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Milpitas Role in Telecom History

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Buffalo, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 120 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Wheeling WV archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Woodsdale. Shortly after, a story in the The Intelligencer read, “WV archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.

One week later, a local newspaper in Milpitas, California, reported the following: “After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture, Pete Silva, a hell of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist and gynecologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Silva has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Milpitas had already gone wireless.”

  • in Jokes

Fishermen Catch A Mermaid

Three dads from Milpitas were out having a relaxing day fishing at Spring Lake, in Ed Levin County Park, when one of them hooks something big, and when his buddies help him haul it in, they discover it’s a mermaid. She begs to be set free and promises to grant each of them one wish in return.

The UCSC Extension professor just doesn’t believe it and says: “Ok, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.”

The mermaid says: “Done.” Suddenly, he starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The Stellartech scientist is so amazed he says to the mermaid: “Triple my I.Q.”

The mermaid says: “Done.” The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: biology, physics, chemistry, and so on.

The Cisco software engineer is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid: “Quintuple my I.Q.”

The mermaid looks at him and says: “You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you’d reconsider.”

The guy says: “Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”

“Please,” says the mermaid “You don’t know what you’re asking … it’ll change your entire view of the universe … won’t you ask for something else? … a million dollars, long life, sex appeal … anything?”

But no matter what the mermaid said, the third guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: “Done.”

He’s now a mom.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes
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