Jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken behind it didn’t know how to socially distance properly.
Whose idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day. But look at me now, ma! I’m saving the world!
Today’s Weather: Room Temperature.
Anyone else’s car getting three months to the tank?
Never in my life would I imagine that my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth.
After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
If I keep stress-eating at this level, the buttons on my shirt will start socially distancing from each other.
Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent. Then it Dawned on me.
Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder
I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch them with a six-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
Since we’re all in quarantine I guess we’ll be making only inside jokes from now on.
I’m not talking to myself, I’m having a parent-teacher conference.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog–we laughed a lot.
Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch.
I finished Netflix today.
Pollen still coming out during a global pandemic? Bitch read the room.
– Knock knock. Who is there? Seriously, don’t touch my door and get back 6 meters to social distance.
Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

I Will Survive, Coronavirus version for teachers going online

Lyrics by Michael Bruening

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never teach through Canvas all the time
But then I spent so many nights reading the help docs for so long
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along

And so I’m back
Students are gone
As all my colleagues try to figure out how they’re gonna get along
I should have kept up with the tech, not skipped that class on course design
If I’d known for just one second I’d be teaching all-online
Go on now, go, leave me alone
I’ve got to figure out
Just how to lecture using Panopto
You gave me two days to adjust, to move everything online
Did you think I’d crumble
Did you think I’d lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to Zoom, I know I’ll be alive
Oh, my students still will learn
And my paychecks I will earn, and I’ll survive
I will survive, hey, hey

It took all the strength I had not to lay down and die
Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my syllabi
And I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high and you’ll see me
Teaching on zoom
But just don’t cough into the mic or every eye will be on you
I can’t hear you, you’re on mute, your camera’s black, are you still there?
We’ve got some glitches to work out, but I know my grading scheme is fair
Oh now, go, walk out the door
Trying to get this lecture done
And I’m already on take four
Now the network has gone down, and I’m all out of wine
Do you think I’ll crumble
Do you think I’ll lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to zoom, I know I’ll be alive
My students still will learn
And my paychecks I will earn and I’ll survive
I will survive
Hey hey

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Daily Affirmations to Avoid

Covid Jokes & Philosopical Jokes

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I honour and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so.”
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute… I’ll find someone.
It’s not whether you win or lose, but where you place the blame.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step – blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Affirmations for COVID-19 Anxiety
One of the things we DO have control over is being more mindful of the types of messages and words we are repeating to ourselves. Our thoughts have a lot of power over us and directly impact how we feel. It may seem like our thoughts are largely out of our control, but we actually have more power than we think! What am I getting at here? Positive affirmations. During times of transition, uncertainty, stress, or change, (which, let’s be honest, we have a lot of right now), positive affirmations can offer us powerful support and help us feel more at ease.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Relative Importance in 2020 So Far Graph Joke

Amazing Facts & Covid Jokes

The most accurate graph I’ve seen during this pandemic!

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Next “Survivor” Show

Have you heard about the next planned “survivor” show?

6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays 2 sports and either takes music or dance classes and there is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned home clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to TV when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

There is only 1 TV between them and no remote.

The men must shave their legs and wear make-up daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making 4 lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings, clean up after their sick children at 3:00 AM, make an Indian hut model with 6 toothpicks, a tortilla, and 1 marker.

They must get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids get to vote them off based on performance.

The winner gets to go back to work.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Installing Love

Computing Jokes

Customer Service Rep: Can you install LOVE?

Customer: I can do that. I’m not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma’am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: What programs are running ma’am?

Customer: Let me see….I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE,and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma’am?

Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I’m done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops…I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says “ERROR 412 – PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS.” What does that mean?

CS Rep: Don’t worry ma’am, that’s a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in nontechnical terms it means you have to “LOVE” your own machine before it can “LOVE” others.

Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep: Can you find the directory called “SELF-ACCEPTANCE”?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep: You’re welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the “MYHEART” directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go…

Customer: Yes?

CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke

Retirement Through the Eyes of a Child

After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following:

“We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Milpitas.

Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night, “Early Birds”. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the doll house to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it “pot luck.”

My Grandma says Grandpa’s worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke

How Poor We Really Are

Money Jokes & Amazing Facts

One day a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were. They stayed one night and one day in the farm of a very humble farm house.

At the end of the trip and back home the father asked the son, “What did you think of the trip?”

The son replied, “Very nice, Dad.”

Father: “Did you notice how poor they were?”

Son: “Yes.”

Father: “What did you learn?”

Son: “I learned that we have one dog in the house and they have four.

We have a fountain in the garden and they have a stream that has no end.

We have imported lamps in the garden, while they have the stars.

Our garden goes to the end of the property; they have the entire horizon as their backyard. ”

At the end of the son’s reply the father was speechless and his son added, “Thank you Dad for showing me how poor we really are.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke

Naked Truth about Covid-19 and Sheltering in Place

Covid Jokes

So we’re into our 5th month of defeating COVID-19. These words made me laugh but there’s a lot of truth mixed in to consider. . .

1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap?
2. Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.
3. When this virus thing is over with, I still want some of you to stay away from me.
4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet, particularly among politicians and bureaucrats.
5. Just wait a second – so what you’re telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right?
6. People are scared of getting fined or arrested for congregating in crowds, as if catching a deadly disease and dying a horrible death wasn’t enough of a deterrent.
7. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.
8. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me.
9. Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.
10. Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now.
11. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is.
12. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?
13. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one.
14. Did a big load of pajamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke