Jokes

Wacky Warnings & Instructions

Amazing Facts

On a package of bread-pudding mix
Product will be hot after heating.

On the bottom of a container of prepared (and delicate) tiramisu
Do not turn upside down.

Among the instructions with an iron
Do not iron clothes on body.

On a bottle of children’s cough syrup
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On the bottle of an over-the-counter sleep aid
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

With a kitchen knife
Warning: Keep out of children.

With a string of Christmas lights
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a package of peanuts
Warning: Contains nuts.

On another package of peanuts
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.

In some chain saw instructions
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Among instructions for a glue that required the combining of a powder and a liquid catalyst
Stir 20 seconds. Use a watch.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

The Value of Time

Amazing Facts

To realize the value of ONE YEAR
Ask a student who has failed his exam.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH
Ask a woman who is eight months pregnant.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK
Ask an editor of a weekly.

To realize the value of ONE DAY
Ask a daily wage laborer.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE
Ask a person who has missed the train.

To realize the value of ONE SECOND
Ask a person who has just survived an accident.

To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.

To realize the value of ONE NANO-SECOND
“Ask a Hardware Engineer”!

And then, if you still don’t realize the value of time
you must be a Silicon Valley Software Engineer !!!

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Java

Amazing Facts

From John Murrell’s column in the Mercury News

“Considering the amount of java (that’s lowercase; don’t want to annoy Sun Microsystems) I’m consuming as I try to gear up and catch up after a week off, I thought this would be an appropriate Monday offering: a list snagged out of the e-mail ether and passed along by faithful contributor Mark Allen outlining some signs that you may be drinking too much coffee:”

1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
2. You answer the door before people knock.
3. You sleep with your eyes open.
4. You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
5. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
6. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
7. The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.
8. You lick your coffeepot clean.
9. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
10. You can type sixty words a minute … with your feet.
11. All your kids are named Joe.
12. People get dizzy just watching you.
13. People can test their batteries in your ears.
14. When someone asks, “How are you?” you say, “Good to the last drop.”
15. You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
16. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

A Short History of Medicine

Amazing Facts

I have an earache:

2000 B.C.

Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D.

That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D.

That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D.

That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D.

That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D.

That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Coronavirus Quarantine Travel Puns

Amazing Facts & Covid Jokes

*Oman*, I really can’t wait to *Rome* around.

*Venice* this going to get over?

You can’t say when this lockdown will be over, *Kenya*?

Quarantine has made my *Delhi* routine too boring.

I’ve been *Washington’s* of utensils.

This *Spain* is real.

Stay home, stay safe. What’s the *Russia*?

Maybe *Indore* is not such a bad place after all.

Wives are now *Cochin* their husbands in new skills (dish washing, mopping?)

At this rate, I see my savings loses *Dublin*

I’ve decided to finally wear my *New Jersey* which I’ve been storing for ages

*Mysore* throat is on account of endless Zoom chats these days.

We need all the *Lucknow* more than ever before..

I’m sorry, but *Iran* out of travel puns.

*DUBAI* your masks and gloves and wear them

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Excellent Advice I’ve Learned From Watching Scary Movies

Amazing Facts

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

2. Never (ever) read a book of demon summoning aloud, not even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, kill them immediately. It will save you a lot of trouble in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.

5 . When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.

6. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open the portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits. Just get out!

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.

12. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.

13. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, multi-level marketing, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had a full tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely while being eaten alive.

17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the inlaws. This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

18. If you enter a house and a disembodied voice tells you to “GET OUT,” listen to the helpful voice and leave.

19. Creepy old houses, campsites, or castles are never good places for a party.

20. If anyone offers you $1,000,000 if you just stay the night in a house. Just leave and go buy a lottery ticket. Your chances of winning the lottery are slightly higher then your chances of living through the night.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Science Explained By Children

Amazing Facts & Covid Jokes

Genetics explain why you look like your father. or, if you don’t, why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one-second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it you got hit, so never mind.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Science – How It Works
Science may seem like it’s a strange thing — complicated, even a mystery. But really, science is all about finding out about nature and how things work, the reasons behind every-day things. So it’s more about questions and answers than anything. How? Where? Why?

What is Covonovirus? Explained to Kids by National Geographic
If you’ve been watching the news lately, chances are you’ll have heard lots about an illness that’s affecting people around the world, called coronavirus.

It’s natural to feel worried about stuff you read in the news. If you’re feeling anxious about coronavirus, talk to a trusted grown-up, like a parent, guardian or teacher about how you’re feeling. You can also find online support on the Open Minds website.

New Vocabulary Words

Amazing Facts

Sniglets (snig’let) Any word that doesn’t appear in the dictionary but should.

1. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

2. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

3. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

6. Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

7. Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

8. Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you’ve been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

9. Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

10. Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

11. Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

12. Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

13. Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

14. Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

15. Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

More Sniglets.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Determining the Height of a Tall Building

Amazing Facts

Sir Ernest Rutherford, President of the Royal Academy, and recipient of the Nobel Prize in Physics, related the following story:

Some time ago I received a call from a colleague. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed a perfect score. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected.

barometer I read the examination question: “Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.”

The student had answered: “Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building.”

The student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly! On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course and certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this.

I suggested that the student have another try. I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he hadn’t written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said he had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on in the next minute, he dashed off his answer, which read:

“Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^2, calculate the height of the building.”

At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit. While leaving my colleague’s office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.

“Well,” said the student, “there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building.”

“Fine,” I said, “and others?”

“Yes,” said the student, “there is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units. A very direct method.”

“Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g [gravity] at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated.”

“On this same tack, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession.”

“Finally,” he concluded, “there are many other ways of solving the problem. Probably the best,” he said, “is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent’s door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: ‘Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer.'”

At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach him how to think.


The name of the student was Niels Bohr. (1885-1962) Danish Physicist; Nobel Prize 1922; best known for proposing the first ‘model’ of the atom with protons & neutrons, and various energy state of the surrounding electrons — the familiar icon of the small nucleus circled by three elliptical orbits … but more significantly, an innovator in Quantum Theory.

Is this true?

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Mustard

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

“Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,” she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, “Now you know why they call that mustard ‘Poupon.'”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

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