Jokes

A Milpitas couple was being shown around Moscow one day, by their communist guide, Rudolf, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

“Let’s not fight about it!” the man said. “Let’s ask our guide, Rudolf, whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”

As their tour guide approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolf, is it officially raining or snowing?“

“It’s raining, of course,” he replied officiously.

But the woman insisted, “I know that it felt like snow!”

The man quietly replied, “Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!“

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

You know Dasher and Dancer, and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid, and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it.
You would even say it glows.

All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say,
“Rudolph, with your nose so bright,
Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”

Then how the reindeer loved him,
As they shouted out with glee
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
You’ll go down in history.”

“You’ll go down in history!”

Pledge of Allegiance

I decided it was time to see how well my seven year old daughter knew the Pledge of Allegiance. We had been to many events that said the pledge at the beginning, but I wasn’t sure how well she knew it. So to begin, I said a phrase and she would repeat it back to me. By the end we were saying it together and she finished with, “…one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all… You may be seated.”

I guess we need some work on this!!!!!!!!

— Contributed by Tom Jollie

Does your youngster have a unique way of saying the Pledge or any country’s national anthem, etc.? Email me, and I’ll post the best here.

Red Skelton’s Commentary on the U.S. Pledge of Allegiance
As a schoolboy in Vincennes, Indiana, one of Red Skelton’s teachers explained the words and meaning of the Pledge of Allegiance to his class. Skelton later wrote down, and eventually recorded, his recollection of this lecture.

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA, AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS,
ONE NATION, (SPONSORSHIP OPPORTUNITIES AVAILABLE),
INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.

Finding Out About Fireworks Safety
It’s important to remember that fireworks can be dazzling, but they can also be dangerous.

Flag Display
Should you fly the US flag at half staff today? Check the image above. There need be no authorization from the government for the private sector (non-governmental sector) to use the Flag to honor any citizen. Individuals are not acting illegally when using the Flag according to their own usage. Only on government or public buildings are the flag code required to be followed.

The Pledge of Allegiance
Hand in hand with the Red Scare, to which it was inextricably linked, the new religiosity overran Washington. Politicians outbid one another to prove their piety. The campaign to add “under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance was part of this movement.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Highs and Lows of Wearing Face Masks

Covid Jokes

Due to the order to wear face masks, some humorous observations have been made:

My gawd! Enough with the face mask selfies!

I’m wearing a bra today but as a face mask.

Ripping off your face mask when you get back in the car is the new taking off your bra when you get home.

An added benefit of wearing a mask is that men on the street no longer tell me to smile.

I was smiling at people the other day at the store until I realized I didn’t have to and it was a magical moment.

According to my bathroom scale, my face mask weighs about 7 pounds.

Shoutout to everybody who already burped into their own face via mask.

I do NOT expect people to jog with their mask on, just to keep their distance. Can’t have people dropping like flies from their own morning breath.

My ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. Ears are now a purse!

I wish I was smart enough to realize the worst idea is to carefully apply red lipstick before putting on a mask. Not one person saw my lipstick & when I took the mask off I look like I had feverishly blew someone I liked. Which brought up other feelings.

From now on I’m always going to wear a mask to the grocery store, I prefer a disguise when purchasing obscene amounts of junk food.

How will the world see my blush when i have a mask on?

“I’m not working out with a mask on” is my new favorite excuse for not working out.

COVID Parenting Tip: Train your children to loudly ask, “Why isn’t that person wearing a mask? Are we going to get sick?” when in public.

The upside about a face mask is it catches your snot when you’re outside and your nose is running because you forgot to take your antihistamine.

Do you think maskless runners in Manhattan look at toddlers wearing masks and think “Thank you for wearing a mask so I don’t have to?”

I keep seeing couples where the woman is wearing a face mask and the man isn’t, even in the supermarket. That’s all. Thank you for listening to my feminist manifesto.

me: *putting on mask*
wife: “heading out?”
me: “changing a diaper!”

I just removed my mask to sneeze into my sleeve. Am I doing this right?

When I wear my face mask I like to think I look like a ninja. A tired, stressed, and vacant eyed ninja.

I just find it funny that the same people who refuse to wear masks in public are the same ones who insist we cover our babies with a hot blanket to breast feed.

Every time I get pissed about everything happening I make masks.

I’ve never worn a mask before, and it’s becoming comfortable, like a warm blanket of stay-the-hell-away-from-me!

“To accommodate anti-maskers,” reads a store sign, “We have provided a space 40 feet west where you can stare at your reflection in the window since apparently you’re the only person you care about.”

A vintage store in Arizona is going viral for its ominous sign warning guests about wearing masks while inside. “If you choose not to wear a mask, we respectfully ask that you postpone your visit,” the sign reads. “We will be happy to debate the efficacy of masks with you when this is all over and you come in to sell your dead grandmother’s clothes.”

Jason Voorhees Returns to Manhattan In PSA Encouraging New Yorkers to Wear Masks

Masks and the delta variant
Experts are recommending wearing masks again, even for the vaccinated. Here’s why.

How to Guilt People into Wearing A Mask
Carttons from the New Yorker on July 2, 2020.

Shop these results for funny face mask and support Etsy’s one-of-a-kind creative community.
Sellers on Etsy with funny face masks.

Funny Face Masks on Amazon
Linked to Amazon Smile so your favorite charity will get some funds. Also added, Halloween face masks!

Spreading Smiles…Not Cooties: Personalized Masks Bring a Little Humor During Difficult Times
Inkjet Insight co-founder Mary Schilling describes how she used her digital printing skills to start a cottage industry making masks…with a little help from her friends.

Face Masks for Covid-19 Relief Made the Right Way
Video tutorials on how to make a very safe mask. From the Fabric Patch.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Milpitas High School Teacher Arrested at San Jose Airport

A Milpitas high school teacher was arrested today at Norman Y. Mineta San Jose International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Mayor Rich Tran said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. Al-Gebra is a terrorist movement headed by Osum Bin Adden, which has reportedly infiltrated American schools. It began at the undergraduate level and has spread to secondary schools, according to US Attorney General John Ashcroft. Favored targets are said to include homomorphics and people living in polynomial relationships. Academics dismiss the Ashcroft’s accusations as pandering to the lowest common denominator of anti-Arab prejudice.

He did not identify the Milpitas high school teacher, who has been charged by the Milpitas Police with carrying weapons of math instruction.

‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Mayor said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns”; but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every triangle.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, Mayor Tran said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

Fellow Milpitas Council Members told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by any Milpitas Mayor.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke

Housework Training Courses Now Available For Men

Introduction to Common Household Objects I:
The Mop

Introduction to Common Household Objects II:
The Sponge

Dressing Up:
Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

Refrigerator Forensics:
Identifying and Removing the Dead

Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?:
You CAN Tell the Difference!

Accepting Loss -I:
If It’s Empty, You Can Throw It Away

Accepting Loss -II:
If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won’t Bring It Back

Going to the Supermarket:
It’s Not Just for Women Anymore!

Recycling Skills I:
Boxes that the Electronics Came In

Recycling Skills II:
Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In

Bathroom Etiquette I:
How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

Bathroom Etiquette II:
Let’s Wash Those Towels!

Bathroom Etiquette III:
Five Easy Ways to Tell When You’re About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

Giving Back to the Community:
How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill

Retro? Or Just Hideous?:
Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

No, The Dishes Won’t Wash Themselves:
Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware

Romance:
More Than a Cable Channel!

Strange But True!:
She Really May NOT Care What “Fourth Down and Ten” Means

Going Out to Dinner:
Beyond the Pizza Hut

Expand Your Entertainment Options:
Selecting movies that don’t star John Wayne or Clint Eastwood on TV

Yours, Mine, and Ours:
Sharing the Remote

“I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!”:
Why Women Laugh

Adventures in Housekeeping I:
Let’s Clean the Closet

Adventures in Housekeeping II:
Let’s Clean Under the Bed

“I Don’t Know“:
Be the First Man to Say It!

The Gas Gauge in Your Car:
Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

Directions:
It’s Okay to Ask for Them

Listening:
It’s Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

Accepting Your Limitations:
Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn’t Mean You Can Fix It

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

The Origin of the Internet

Computing Jokes

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, “And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.”

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?” And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates’ drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known “eBay,” he said, “we need a name that reflects what we are,” and Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”

“Whoopee!”, said Abraham.

“No, YAHOO!” said Dot Com… and that is how it all began.

It wasn’t Al Gore after all.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

How many HR Staff Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

One actual HR staff member to change the light bulb.

The second to assess the risk of the light bulb changing process.

A third to ensure the light bulb changing process adheres to the internal compliance regime for health and safety during light bulb changes.

A fourth to ensure that the internal purchase order procedures have been adhered with for light bulb change orders.

A fifth to audit the supply of the light bulb following the internal purchase order procedure.

A sixth to report back to the compliance and risk functions that the supply and audit divisions had complied with the light bulb change risk and compliance procedures.

A seventh to monitor that the light bulb was changed by a member of HR staff who was cleared by the CIPD to be authorised with light bulb changing management.

And an eighth HR staff person being the most important…they are responsible for costing the light bulb changing process and being creative enough to incorporate the pricing of the eight people into their customers’ monthly billing statement without their customer noticing.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke

Thoughts for the Day

Philosopical Jokes

Thoughts to ponder as you begin your day…or at the end of a day when nothing much made sense.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

There are two kinds of pedestrians — the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said “Quit while you’re ahead?”

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . .. not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a videophone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

Get the last word in: Apologize.

Consider which of these thoughts ring true for you.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Animal Jokes

Dogs of Milpitas

How would your dog react to a request to help change a light bulb?

ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and find a more efficient form of lighting — perhaps a fluorescent bulb.

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just “try” to convince him that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done — they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!

BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.

POMERANIANS don’t change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they’re out.

PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No — on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

AFGHAN: Light bulb? What light bulb?

CAT: I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.

SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shibas aren’t afraid of the dark!

SCHIPPERKE: It’s your light bulb — change it yourself. Unless….. Is there food involved??

POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done.

BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get?

WEIMARANER: What?? Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHT BULB?

LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.

BASENJI: LIGHT BULB? We don’t change no stinking light bulbs!

MALAMUTE: Let *him* do it. You can pet me while he’s busy.

BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair…….

AMERICAN BULLDOG: One. JUMP, remove bulb, land. JUMP, replace bulb, land. Two: What bulb, So? We can play in the dark.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “I’ll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can’t we play catch with the tennis ball, or Frisbee — and then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you’re changing the light bulb yourself — you didn’t have to do that — but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that.”

DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.

ROTTWEILER: I’ll change the bulb if I can eat the old one.

CORGI: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!

SPRINGER: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out — then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he’ll rewire the house while he’s at it.

WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What’s it made of, what’s inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about it. You’re not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I’ll change that light bulb!

GERMAN SHEPHERD: “I’m kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap. I’ll add changing the bulb to my “To Do” list….”

DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a treat…… no, you took too long. I want TWO treats and I’ll do it……… No, not that treat, the other kind. Geez………. do I have to do everything? (of course, followed by “the look”.)

IRISH SETTER: It only takes one, but it will put in a really dim bulb.

PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old bulb. Now, let go of old bulb…….. I said LET GO OF BULB! Please???? Let go of the bulb?????? Let go?

GOOD OL’ SOUTHERN HOUND DOG: Huh????

How to Pronounce Milpitas, includes pronunciation video

Milpitas Jokes

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across California and were nearing a town spelled Milpitas. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it – MIL-pit-as; Mil-pit-ASS; Mil-PEET-us?

They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: “My wife and I can’t seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand.”

The waitress looked at him and said: “Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng.”

[Note from your Milpitas Guide: that third pronunciation for this city is the correct one: Mil-PEET-us]

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Jokes

Rudolf, The Red, Knows Rain, Dear

Pledge of Allegiance

Highs and Lows of Wearing Face Masks

Milpitas High School Teacher Arrested at San Jose Airport

Housework Training Courses Now Available For Men

The Origin of the Internet

How many HR Staff Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Thoughts for the Day

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

How to Pronounce Milpitas, includes pronunciation video

How to Make GoMilpitas into an app on your iPhone or iPad.

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