What Trauma Victims Need You to Know

A friend, who was badly traumatized by her caregivers in early childhood and cruelty from employers, created this brochure, to be printed two-sided, to be handed to her health providers to help them understand her past, and how it can be triggered by them if they don’t take care to treat her humanely. For more information about Adverse Childhood Experiences check out the ACEs Connection website.

This page is part of our continuing effort to provide support for those who have experienced trauma and may be suicidal and need to find help.

1. Predictability: Everyone loves surprises! Not. Trauma survivors often prefer predictability because that feels safer.
2. Space: Allow time for the survivor to calm down and take perspective. Remember that we trauma survivors often have difficulty regulating our emotions and take longer to calm down. Maybe support self-soothing, for example suggesting you both go for a walk, maybe stay well clear! If the survivor is caught up in the fight/flight response you may be mistaken for the enemy.
3. Perspective: Be aware when ‘the past is intruding into the present.’ Don’t take responsibility for what is not yours… gently. You can own any insensitivity or lack of consideration that has provoked the reaction and yet separate it from whatever past trauma is fueling what would otherwise appear to be a disproportionate response. Remember there is no such thing as ‘over-reacting’ – the reaction is in direct proportion to the pain experienced in the past rather than in response to what’s happening now.
4. Rid ‘over-reacting,’ ‘over-sensitive,’ ‘over’-anything from your vocabulary.
5. Language: Don’t refer to ‘your upbringing, your problem, issues, behavior.’ This sounds like judgment or at the very least like the trauma survivor is somehow broken or the problem. Call it for what it is – trauma.
6. Be kind, loving, patient… But empathetically set limits – you have needs too! It’s okay to talk about when the survivor’s reactions hurt you too. “I love you and I understand how scared/angry/sad you are… and it’s not okay to hurt me.” Whatever our trauma history, we must all learn to be accountable when we hurt others.
7. Reciprocity: Most of us had parents who lacked skills in listening, empathy, tolerating uncomfortable feelings, empowerment… Give what you also need to receive [because that’s the best way of making sure you get it back. Make sure that you are getting these things somewhere in your life. If the survivor is your friend or romantic partner, be sure that there is a two-way street. However much you love someone who has experienced trauma, it is unhealthy if you become a savior, therapist, or martyr.
8. Control and choice. Big trigger when a survivor is denied these. Confer, collaborate cooperate. Unilateral moves even when benevolent will not be appreciated! Trauma is about getting hurt when you had no power or control over the situation, and it is immensely activating when the trauma survivor experiences that powerlessness again. If you want one way to ensure one of the fight/flight/freeze/collapse survival responses, taking away control is the way to do it!