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Tag: <span>Animal Jokes</span>

In My Next Life I Want To Be A Bear

Animal Jokes

In my next life I want to be a bear.

If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.

I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid.

I could deal with that, too.

If you’re a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.

I could definitely deal with that.

If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.

I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. He KNOWS not to get between you and the food.

Yup….. Gonna be a bear.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorites

My favorite jokes found online over the years. Some jokes given a Milpitas twist.

Jokes By Topic

Alphabetical List

Advice For Married Women: Then and Now
Just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you’d like to eat and at what time.

The Addition Game – Will Muppet Win Trip to Milpitas?
Video: If Muppet Harry Monster correctly guesses what 3+1 is, he will win a trip to Milpitas, California.
Education Jokes, Milpitas Jokes

AI Tax Preparer Program
Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program.

All the Urban Legends Rolled Into One
No need to read all those other urban legends, etc. ever again. Here they are, all in one.
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Apartment Hunting With A Large Family 
Father figures out how to get apartment even though he has a large family.

Are we there yet?
Dr. Fauci driving SUV with lots of kids yelling, “Are we there yet?” as approaching “Normal” lane marker.
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Are You Acting Too Much Like a Teacher?
Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

The Art Sold, but …
An artist asked the Yolette, curator at the Community Art and History Museums, if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

Bad Mistakes On Resumes
“Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”

Being A Parent
Being a parent is like being pecked to death by a duck.

Bernie @ Milpitas City Hall
Put Bernie at your place!
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Beware of Bears
The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Yosemite, Tahoe, and Northern Sierra areas.

Biggest Lies
Campaign financing has nothing to do with how I vote.

Breaking News Joke
Women age 30-59 are most likely to carry CORONOVIRUS without symptoms! The local spas and wineries are the designated local quarantine centers.

Buying Swimwear
I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume.
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Buzzword Bingo
My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.

Camping With Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip in the Sunol Regional Wilderness. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”

Catholic Litany In A Pinch
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in Milpitas. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

Christmas Carol Quiz
These are the names of well-known Christmas caroles, rewritten in PC (pretty convoluted). If you like puzzles, try to decipher them.
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Christmas Riddles 
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
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Christmas Riddles, Puns and Jokes 
Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit? They both drop their needles.
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Classes We’d Really Like To See Offered At the Community Center
Self-Improvement, Business/Career, Home Ec, Health & Fitness, Crafts

Computer Problem Report Form
Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.

Coronavirus Quarantine Travel Puns
*Oman*, I really can’t wait to *Rome* around. *Venice* this going to get over? You can’t say when this lockdown will be over, *Kenya*? This *Spain* is real.

Covid Advice for Geeks
COVID advice from Silicon Valley County Health Department, which has been sending out advice in many languages. Seems appropriate they also send it out in code!

Covid-19 BINGO
Usual BINGO rules, with this exception: If any game player sees someone sneeze or cough without a mask and into the open air, the game is over, and the player with most boxes covered wins that round.

Covid-19 is making me crack up!
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

Cultural Differences Explained
This is to help my Asian American and Chicano friends better understand the differences among Anglo cultural groups.

Daily Affirmations to Avoid
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. Also, Affirmations for COVID-19 Anxiety.

Dating in the Time of Coronavirus
We went speed dating on Zoom and found love. You’ve seen the events announcements here for online speed dating, right? So here’s how it works for these singles.
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The Day the NASDAQ Died
A long, long week ago
I can still remember how the market used to make me smile…

Densa IQ Test
You’ve heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with IQ’s of 140 and above?

Determining the Height of a Tall Building
Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.

Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit 
“Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!”

Educator At An Accident
An educator uses her first aid training upon coming upon a bad car accident.

Educator Goes to Milpitas
A beautiful, blonde educator gets on an airplane and sits down in first class.

An Engineer Calculates Santa’s Trip
No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer.
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Equal Employment Opportunity
Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and MUST be bilingual.

Error Dialog Haiku
Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? Solon Magazine

Everyday Maxims
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Excellent Advice I’ve Learned From Watching Scary Movies 
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

Fire at the Semiconductor Plant 
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight.
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Fishermen Catch A Mermaid
Three Homeschool Dads go fishing, catch a mermaid and demand their IQ’s be increased.

Forgetful Poem
My forgetter’s getting better, But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but, To me, that is no joke.

Fruit Cake Recipe
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Put it down somewhere. Check the whiskey again.
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Fun Things To Do While Driving With Kids
Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.

God is Missing. We’re in Trouble! 
If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are  probably involved.
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Greatest Baseball Player in the World
A homeschooling boy was overheard talking to himself, baseball cap in place and toting ball and bat.

Hacker Barbie®
MATTEL announces the latest in their new line of Barbie® products.

Halloween Riddles
About a 100 Halloween Riddles to tickle your Funny Bone.
, .

High Tech Church Built in Milpitas
“A church with only one pew?” asked the vicar.

Highs and Lows of Wearing Face Masks
Due to the order to wear face masks, some humorous observations have been made.

Hills Meet Their Fate In Milpitas
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Silicon Valley, California; as it happens, in the Milpitas hills.

The History of Math Word Problems
Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Homespun Couple Visit Harvard President
The President of Harvard made a mistake by prejudging people and it cost him dearly.

Homework Policy
Long Term Assignments: These are given the night before they are due.
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Housework Training Courses Now Available For Men
Introduction to Common Household Objects I:
The Mop.
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How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

How Many Facebook Users Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in the Go Milpitas Facebook Group?
Online Life Jokes

How many HR Staff Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
One actual HR staff member to change the light bulb.

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

How Milpitans Do It
Finding Good Deals in Milpitas: Coke 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

How Poor We Really Are
One day a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were.

How to Pronounce This Place
MIL-pit-as; Mil-pit-ASS; Mil-PEET-us?

How We Know Santa’s Reindeer Are Female
Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
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HTML Song
You’ve got to code it in H T M L. (To the tune of “YMCA.”)

I Think Santa Claus is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it.
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I Will Survive, Coronavirus version for teachers going online by Michael Bruening
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to zoom, I know I’ll be alive
My students still will learn
And my paychecks I will earn and I’ll survive…

In Memory of Those Who Died in the Service
One Sunday morning, the pastor, Ole, noticed little Andy was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
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In My Next Life I Want To Be A Bear
If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Installing Love
Steps to becoming a loving person described in terms of installing a computer program on a PC.

An Interview with Santa’s Lawyer
Please state your name and occupation. My name is Marta Pittman, and I’m a partner at the Law Office of Garry Barbadillo.

Is everyone ok?
Everyone check on your friends. We have a rider down.
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Kids Talk About God & Their Mother 
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We’re related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

Kurt Vonnegut’s Commencement Address At MIT
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’97: Wear sunscreen.

The Last Page of the Internet
Thank you for visiting the End of the Internet. There are no more links.

Legoland Discovery Center at Great Mall Reopening
Covid-19 Updates regarding the Lego Discovery Center at the Great Mall in Milpitas.

Letter From A Scout
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.

Letter From Santa
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced.
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Licking Is Totally the Same as Hand-washing, Right?
Me: Did you wash your hands? 4-year-old: No. Me: Why are your hands wet?
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Litter Problem Solved
A few years ago, the City of Milpitas had a litter problem.

Look, I don’t come into your home office and tell you to get out of the tub!
Visual cartoon.
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Man Prays to Swap Life With His Wife
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home, so he prayed.
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Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
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Maxims of Old Age
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it. I run like the winded.
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Maxims to Share
Maxims like: When you ask me what I’m doing today, and I say “Nothing,” it does not mean I’m free. It means I’m doing nothing.
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Milk With A Little Coffee In It
Customer: I’d like a milk with some coffee in it.
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Milpitan Vacations In Rome
A Milpitan walked in to The Park Victoria Barber Shop for his regular haircut.
Milpitas Jokes

Milpitas Cowboy’s Guide to Life
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
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Milpitas High School Teacher Arrested at San Jose Airport
A Milpitas high school teacher was arrested today at Norman Y. Mineta San Jose International Airport as he attempted to board a flight…
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Milpitas Role in Telecom History
Silva has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Milpitas had already gone wireless.
Computing Jokes

Mom Song Mom’s Song and Teen’s Answer
What a mom says in 24 hours, condensed into 2 minutes and 55 seconds. Sung to the William Tell Overture, by Anita Renfroe.

The Mommy Test
How do mommys know all those things?

Mother’s Dictionary
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Mr. Nobody
I know a funny little man, as quiet as a mouse, who does the mischief that is done in everybody’s house!

Mustard
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

Naked Truth about Covid-19 and Sheltering in Place
So we’re into our 5th month of defeating COVID-19. These words made me laugh but there’s a lot of truth mixed in to consider. . .

Neil Diamond vs CDC on Hands, Touching Hands
Neil Diamond: Hands,
CDC: Yes, wash them for at least 20 seconds.
Neil Diamond: touching hands,
CDC: No! Please don’t touch hands!
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Next “Survivor” Show
6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids for 6 weeks.
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New Vocabulary Words
Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Night Before Christmas for Mom
T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode,
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.

No Cookies, No Candy, No Gum 
Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.
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Official Market Forecast
Sales and income figures show an easing up of the rate at which business is easing off.

An Old Man Asks to Talk to President Trump
“I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer President…”

Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died
… so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one.

On the Revelation of William Bennett’s Gambling Habit
Bill Bennett told a grateful nation,
‘Be moral. Just resist temptation.’

Other People
Have you ever thought any of these statement ever applied to “other people” who were not like you?
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Original Trojan Horse Warning
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra–it looks legit.
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The Origin Of The Internet
And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
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Painting the Porch
“How would you like to paint the porch?”
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A Pastor entered his donkey in a race
…and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
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Philosophy of Life
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
Philosophical Jokes

Pie Throwing Trend in Milpitas
“… java virtual machine …” – WHAM – call the dry cleaners.
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Planning the Company Holiday Party 
I’m happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue.
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Pledge of Allegiance
A child’s version of the Pledge, and a link to a site about safety around fireworks.
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Proverbs: Kids’ Versions
Better Be Safe Than . . . Punch A 5th Grader.
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Put on your groaning face…. More puns.
More puns-A pun has not completely matured until it is full groan. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
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Puttin’ on the Hitz
Have you seen the well to do? Up and down Calaveras Avenue?
On that famous thoroughfare, With their noses in the air?

Quarantine Insights One-liners
Whose idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.

A Recap of the First Three Weeks with Covid-19
AMERICA: Oh my god! Coronavirus! What should we do?
CALIFORNIA: Shut down your state.
AMERICA: Wait… what? Why?
CALIFORNIA: Because 40 million people live here and we did it early, and it’s working.
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Recipe For Doing the Family Wash 
Written in its original spelling for a bride a few generations ago.
Family Life Jokes, Women Jokes

Relative Importance in 2020 So Far
The most accurate graph I’ve seen during this pandemic!

Retirement Through the Eyes of a Child
After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following…
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The Ring Bearer
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.

A Round Tuit
Are you always saying you’ll get around to it? Well, here’s a *round tuit* for you.

Rudolf, The Red
An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
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Samuel Goldwyn’s Silly Quotations
“An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”

Santa’s Prayer
The sleigh was all packed, the reindeer were fed,
But Santa still knelt by the side of the bed.
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Santa’s Workshop Bought By Bill Gates – 2020 Version
‘Twas the night before Christmas, When all through the house
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
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Science Explained By Children 
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.
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Seven Wonders of the World
A group of Geography students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World.

Short History of Medicine
I have an earache: 2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Java
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

Silly Quotations: Samuel Goldwyn
“An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”

Siren Sounds
Shoe thief tries to exchange the uncomfortable shoes at Mervyns, and more incredible crimes.

Stop complaining! You need to keep it on.
2019 Stop complaining! You need to keep it on. It’s for your own good. 2020 Dog grins at master wearing face mask.
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Taking a Load of Penguins to the Zoo
Penguins get a lift to the zoo. (Links about penguins and places to see them.)

Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter 
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

There Are No Fish Under The Ice!
A blonde woman notices the popularity of ice fishing in Milpitas, and decides to try it for herself.

This Sound Like City Council?
“When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, …”

Thoughts for the Day
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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The turkey shot out of the oven
The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air, it knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.
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Top 21 Signs That You Work in Milpitas
Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Milpitas Jokes, On the Job Jokes

20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
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US Standard Railroad Gauge
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 ft 8 1/2 in (1.44 m). That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Value of Time
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who has failed his exam.

Wacky Warnings & Instructions
On a package of bread-pudding mix: Product will be hot after heating.

Ways to Confuse Trick-or-Treaters in Milpitas
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs.
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Ways to Really Annoy Telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along
Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’, From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’, I’m happy although my boss let me go Happily addicted to the Web.
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Were you a kid in the Fifties or so?
Everybody makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids snicker. Twenty-something’s shudder and say “Eeeew!” But was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for yourself.
Philosophical Jokes

What Does The Frog Say?
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
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When Riding a Dead Horse
When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
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Where Do Pets Come From?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer: “Where do pets come from?”
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Where’s Waldo? Social Distancing Edition
When I saw the cartoon today, it made me think of how the things we took for granted as a child back then are no longer considered “SAFE.”
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William Shakespeare Gets His Covid Vaccine
William Shakespeare becomes the 2nd person to receive the Pfizer-BioNTech #COVID19 vaccine (outside of a trial) in Coventry, England; jokes start.
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You Know You Live in Milpitas When…
You make $120,000 a year, but can’t find a place to live.
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You Might Teach At Middle School If…
You can converse in middle schoolese. You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt licks. You have no life from August through June.
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Animal Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Beware of Bears
The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Yosemite, Tahoe, and Northern Sierra areas.

Christmas Riddles, Puns and Jokes 
Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit? They both drop their needles.

An Engineer Calculates Santa’s Trip
No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer.

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

How We Know Santa’s Reindeer Are Female
Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

In My Next Life I Want To Be A Bear
If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Milpitas Cowboy’s Guide to Life
Don’t squat with your spurs on.

Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died
… so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one.

Original Trojan Horse Warning
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra–it looks legit.

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race
…and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

Rudolf, The Red
An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

Stop complaining! You need to keep it on.
2019 Stop complaining! You need to keep it on. It’s for your own good. 2020 Dog grins at master wearing face mask.

Taking a Load of Penguins to the Zoo
Penguins get a lift to the zoo. (Links about penguins and places to see them.)

What Does The Frog Say?
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

When Riding a Dead Horse
When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

Where Do Pets Come From?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer: “Where do pets come from?”

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

  • in Jokes

Beware of Bears

Animal Jokes

The California State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Yosemite, Tahoe, and even in the San Francisco Bay areas.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells, on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray, in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings:

  • Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
  • Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Christmas Riddles, Puns and Jokes

Animal Jokes

Milpitas Mom’s favorite Christmas riddles, puns, and jokes.

  • What do reindeer say before they tell a joke? This will sleigh you.
  • Why was the elf afraid of being in a small room with Santa? He was Claus-trophobic.
  • What is Santa’s primary language? North Polish.
  • What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
  • James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus. It is titled The Deer Sleigher.
  • Where does Santa go swimming? The North Pool.
  • How do Santa and Mrs. Claus get around? On an icicle built for two.
  • What does Santa like best about gardening? He loves to Ho, Ho, Hoe!
  • Which elf sings “Love me tender?” Santa’s little Elvis!
  • Scrooge loves all the reindeer equally, because every buck is dear to him.
  • Santa’s sleigh jingles too much. He won’t win the No Bell Prize!
  • Does Santa have any money? No. That is why they call him Saint Nickeless.
  • Why does Santa like to go down chimneys? Because it soots him!
  • But isn’t he afraid he’ll get stuck? Yes, he gets Santa Claus-trophobic.
  • Won’t all that soot make him sick? No. He’s had his flue shot.
  • But what if there’s a fire in the fireplace? Santa then becomes Krisp Kringle!
  • Sometimes it gets so cold, Santa gets icicles in his beard. Real chin-chillers, those!
  • What do you get when you cross a sheep with a cicada? Baa Humbug!
  • A webmaster’s favorite hymn? Oh .com all ye faithful!
  • Ah! Christmas! The one day of the year we can all say our children are truly gifted!
  • What do you say to a bad puppy at Christmas? Felix Naughty Dog!
  • Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
  • What does Santa like to eat? A jolly roll
  • Christmas is the time of year when women get Santamental.
  • What playwright was intimidated by Christmas? Noel Coward
  • Christmas is the time of year when mother has to separate the men from the toys.
  • What do you get if you cross a Yule Log with a duck? A Fire Quacker
  • Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.
  • How do Mexican sheep say Merry Christmas? “Fleece Navidad.”
  • Who is Round John Virgin? One of the twelve opossums.
  • Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the Christmas season are: “Peace on Earth”, “Goodwill to Men” and “Batteries not included.”
  • Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs? Santa Paws
  • If Santa rode a motorcycle, what kind would it be? A Holly Davidson.
  • Christmess: Five minutes after the gifts are opened.
  • What is special about the Christmas alphabet? There’s NO EL.
  • What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month? The letter “D”.
  • What did Adam told his girlfriend on December 24th? “It’s Christmas! Eve.”
  • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
  • How is a cat on the beach like Christmas? He’s got Sandy Paws.
  • What did the guest sing at Eskimo’s Christmas party? Freeze a jolly good fellow.
  • What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs? Anything you want. He can’t hear you!
  • What do reindeer have that no other animals on earth have? Baby reindeer.
  • What do you call a chicken at the North Pole? Lost.
  • Whose Christmas parties are full of screams? Dracula’s.
  • Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!
  • How does Mickey Mouse get around during the winter? Mice skates.
  • If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missile-Toe.
  • Where does Frosty the Snowman keep his money? In a snow bank.
  • What happened when Santa’s cat swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens.
  • What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Kringle.
  • Did you know that all the angels in Jesus’ heavenly choir had the same name? Sure, haven’t you ever heard the song, “Hark, the Harold Angels Sing”?
  • What is Santa’s favorite breakfast cereal? Frosted Flakes.
  • What is Frosty’s favorite breakfast cereal? Snow Flakes.
  • Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit? They both drop their needles.
  • How does Santa Claus take pictures? With a North Pole-aroid camera.
  • Where is the best place to put your Christmas tree? After your Christmas one and your Christmas two.
  • What would a Japanese tourist in Alaska wear? An Eskimono.
  • Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws.
  • What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes? A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)
  • What is red and white and goes up and down and up and down? Santa Claus stuck in an elevator.
  • Why is Santa a good race car driver? Because he’s always in the pole position.
  • Who carries all of Santa’s books? His books elf. (book shelf)
  • What do you call people who are afraid of Santa? Claus-trophobic.
  • What’s red and green and guides Santa’s sleigh? Rudolph the red-nosed pickle.
  • What do elves learn in homeschool? The elf-abet.
  • What do you call a polar bear that steals icebergs from other polar bears? An ice-burglar.
  • How do you know if there is a reindeer in your refrigerator? The hoof prints in the butter!
  • Why does Santa Claus have three gardens? So he can Ho-Ho-Ho.
  • How does Father Christmas climb up a chimney? He uses a ladder in the stocking!
  • What happens when Frosty the Snowman gets dandruff? He gets snowflakes.
  • What kind of food do you get when you cross a blizzard with a polar bear? A brrr-grrr! (burger)
  • What’s red and white and red and white and red and white? Santa Claus rolling down a hill.
  • What did the sheep say to the shepherd? Seasons Bleatings!
  • Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? It’s true! Comet cleans sinks!
  • Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous? Holly-wood.
  • What does Frosty the Snowman take when he gets sick? A chill pill.
  • What does Santa Claus use when he goes skiing? A North Pole.
  • What do you call a cow at the North Pole? An Eski-moo.
  • If I’m standing at the North Pole, facing the South Pole, and the East is on my left hand, what’s on my right hand? Fingers!
  • Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean? Because snow man is an island.
  • I know, I know. I know that people say, “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift… but couldn’t people think a little bigger?
  • Sometimes I get the feeling that if Christmas, Father’s Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist!
  • Santa Claus is a jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”
  • My friend, Rick, is a paramedic here in Miami. A few years ago he answered a call about a man who had a head injury he got when some teenagers were throwing eggs at cars. It seems that the egg had come through the open window of the man’s car as he was driving at about 45 mph. He had a large swelling on his forehead. In the official report, Rick described the incident as an “egg-noggin.”
  • Billy: How come you never hear anything about the tenth reindeer, Olive? Tilly: Olive? Billy: Yeah, you know… Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names…
  • The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts. With purchases little and large, she doesn’t believe in Santa Claus… But she believes in Master Charge!
  • A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he just had to tell his parents: “I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!” And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Rudolf, The Red, Knows Rain, Dear

Animal Jokes

A Milpitas couple was being shown around Moscow one day, by their communist guide, Rudolf, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

“Let’s not fight about it!” the man said. “Let’s ask our guide, Rudolf, whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”

As their tour guide approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolf, is it officially raining or snowing?“

“It’s raining, of course,” he replied officiously.

But the woman insisted, “I know that it felt like snow!”

The man quietly replied, “Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!“

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

You know Dasher and Dancer, and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid, and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?
 
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it.
You would even say it glows.
 
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games.
 
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say,
“Rudolph, with your nose so bright,
Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”
 
Then how the reindeer loved him,
As they shouted out with glee
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
You’ll go down in history.”
“You’ll go down in history!”
 
Rudolf, the Red-nosed Reindeer
  • in Jokes

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Animal Jokes

Dogs of Milpitas

How would your dog react to a request to help change a light bulb?

ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and find a more efficient form of lighting — perhaps a fluorescent bulb.

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just “try” to convince him that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done — they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!

BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.

POMERANIANS don’t change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they’re out.

PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No — on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

AFGHAN: Light bulb? What light bulb?

CAT: I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.

SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shibas aren’t afraid of the dark!

SCHIPPERKE: It’s your light bulb — change it yourself. Unless….. Is there food involved??

POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done.

BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get?

WEIMARANER: What?? Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHT BULB?

LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.

BASENJI: LIGHT BULB? We don’t change no stinking light bulbs!

MALAMUTE: Let *him* do it. You can pet me while he’s busy.

BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair…….

AMERICAN BULLDOG: One. JUMP, remove bulb, land. JUMP, replace bulb, land. Two: What bulb, So? We can play in the dark.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “I’ll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can’t we play catch with the tennis ball, or Frisbee — and then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you’re changing the light bulb yourself — you didn’t have to do that — but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that.”

DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.

ROTTWEILER: I’ll change the bulb if I can eat the old one.

CORGI: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!

SPRINGER: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out — then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he’ll rewire the house while he’s at it.

WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What’s it made of, what’s inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about it. You’re not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I’ll change that light bulb!

GERMAN SHEPHERD: “I’m kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap. I’ll add changing the bulb to my “To Do” list….”

DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a treat…… no, you took too long. I want TWO treats and I’ll do it……… No, not that treat, the other kind. Geez………. do I have to do everything? (of course, followed by “the look”.)

IRISH SETTER: It only takes one, but it will put in a really dim bulb.

PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old bulb. Now, let go of old bulb…….. I said LET GO OF BULB! Please???? Let go of the bulb?????? Let go?

GOOD OL’ SOUTHERN HOUND DOG: Huh????

See also ~ Dogs of Milpitas

Milpitas Dog Park
Facebook group for those now participating in use of the dog park in Ed Levin Park. The Dog Park is open on a first come first serve basis. Picnic tables for up to 10 people from the same household are available.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke

Best Dinosaur Jokes Comedy Routine Ever!

This set of dinosaur jokes comedy routine could be read by two kids or a kid and an adult as a skit for a children’s group.

Green Dinosaur Comedian

Can a bad dinosaur comedian get a laugh?

You bet Jurassican.

How do you cheer up a blue Dilophosaurus?

Tell him some dinosaur jokes!

Why do museums have so many old dinosaur bones?

Because they can’t find any new ones!

Why do comedians tell so many old dinosaur jokes?

Because they also can’t find any new ones!

Why can’t they find new fossils or new jokes?

They’re lazy bones!

Why don’t they find a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

Such as a Thesaurus.

That dinosaur is mad we didn’t pick it.

He’s a saur loser.

How would you know if a dinosaur was in bed with you?

I’d be awakened by the dino-snores.

Quick! Hide under the bed!

I-don’t-think-he-saur-us!

Did you notice he ate your pillow?

Yes, he’s down in the mouth.

Where could that dinosaur go to buy you a new, cheap pillow?

He could go to the dino-store.

And what if he instead got into your refrigerator?

Well, I certainly couldn’t close the door!

Did you notice the dinosaur ate the meat raw?

He didn’t know how to barbeque!

But the dinosaur sure did like the hot dogs!

Because they reminded him of Jurassic Pork!

Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed?

Exactly as long as you feed short dinosaurs!

Do those two dinosaurs seem to look alike?

Yes, they are a Pair-odactyls!

What kind of dinosaur never gives up?

A Try-try-triceratops.

Those dinosaurs seems to be very anxious!

Of course! They are Nervous-rex.

What did the Triceratops sit on at the park?

The dino-see-saur!

What did the Triceratops sit with?

His Tricera-bottom!

What did it sound like when it broke?

Like dino-mite!

Who did you call for help?

The Tricera-cops!

How many dinosaurs can stay dry under a palm tree?

If it isn’t raining, quite a few!

But what if a dinosaur does stay out in the rain?

He becomes a stegosaur-rust.

What kind of dinosaur might you see at a rodeo?

A Tyrannosaurus Tex.

And what would he be doing at the rodeo?

Trying to ride a Bronco-saurus.

And when he gets bucked off?

He’d be Tyrannosaurus wrecks!

What would you then give him so he’d feel better?

Tea, Rex?

What’s the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus?

A strawberry is red.

Why did the Tyrannosaurus paint her toenails red?

So she could hide in the strawberry patch!

What happened when she hid in the strawberry patch?

We wound up with a whole lot of strawberry jam!

Did that strawberry-covered dinosaur take a bath?

Why? Is there one missing?

Why did dinosaurs go extinct?

They didn’t take baths.

I hear she ran across the road.

Silly! There weren’t any roads back then! The chicken ran across many years later.

Was she wearing any clothes?

Nope. There weren’t any dino-sewers back then.

But I heard there was one female dinosaur who had a blouse business!

It was called “Try Sara’s Tops.”

Do you think anything could tricera-top these dinosaur puns?

I dino what to tell you, but probably not.

What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?

A dino-bore.

Are you following Jurassic Park Updates on Twitter?

@JurassicPark2go
We’re sorry to report that the T-Rex somehow broke loose and is coming out with a Netflix stand up comedy special in Spring 2021! We never meant for this to happen…we’re issuing refunds for all Season Pass V.I.P Members!

by Ann Zeise

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

Where Do Pets Come From?

Animal Jokes

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer: “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

The Cat Shelf And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t give a damn one way or the other.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race

Animal Jokes

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and just cover your own !!!

You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

  • in Jokes
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