Covid-19 BINGO
Usual BINGO rules, with this exception:
If any game player sees someone sneeze or cough without a mask and into the open air, the game is over, and the player with most boxes covered wins that round.
Tag: <span>Covid-19 Jokes</span>
Quarantine Insights One-liners
- Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken behind it didn’t know how to socially distance properly.
- Whose idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.
- My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
- Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
- My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day. But look at me now, ma! I’m saving the world!
- Today’s Weather: Room Temperature.
- Anyone else’s car getting three months to the tank?
- Never in my life would I imagine that my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth.
- After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
- If I keep stress-eating at this level, the buttons on my shirt will start socially distancing from each other.
- Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
- Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent. Then it Dawned on me.
- Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder
- I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch them with a six-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
- The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
- Since we’re all in quarantine I guess we’ll be making only inside jokes from now on.
- I’m not talking to myself, I’m having a parent-teacher conference.
- This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog–we laughed a lot.
- Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch.
- I finished Netflix today.
- Pollen still coming out during a global pandemic? Bitch read the room.
- – Knock knock. Who is there? Seriously, don’t touch my door and get back 6 meters to social distance.
- Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
I Will Survive, Coronavirus version for teachers going online
Lyrics by Michael Bruening
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never teach through Canvas all the time
But then I spent so many nights reading the help docs for so long
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And so I’m back
Students are gone
As all my colleagues try to figure out how they’re gonna get along
I should have kept up with the tech, not skipped that class on course design
If I’d known for just one second I’d be teaching all-online
Go on now, go, leave me alone
I’ve got to figure out
Just how to lecture using Panopto
You gave me two days to adjust, to move everything online
Did you think I’d crumble
Did you think I’d lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to Zoom, I know I’ll be alive
Oh, my students still will learn
And my paychecks I will earn, and I’ll survive
I will survive, hey, hey
It took all the strength I had not to lay down and die
Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my syllabi
And I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high and you’ll see me
Teaching on zoom
But just don’t cough into the mic or every eye will be on you
I can’t hear you, you’re on mute, your camera’s black, are you still there?
We’ve got some glitches to work out, but I know my grading scheme is fair
Oh now, go, walk out the door
Trying to get this lecture done
And I’m already on take four
Now the network has gone down, and I’m all out of wine
Do you think I’ll crumble
Do you think I’ll lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to zoom, I know I’ll be alive
My students still will learn
And my paychecks I will earn and I’ll survive
I will survive
Hey hey
Daily Affirmations to Avoid
Covid Jokes & Philosopical Jokes
- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
- Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
- My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
- Joan of Arc heard voices too.
- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
- I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
- I am at one with my duality.
- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
- I honour and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so.”
- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute… I’ll find someone.
- It’s not whether you win or lose, but where you place the blame.
- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step – blaming my parents.
- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.
- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
Affirmations for COVID-19 Anxiety
One of the things we DO have control over is being more mindful of the types of messages and words we are repeating to ourselves. Our thoughts have a lot of power over us and directly impact how we feel. It may seem like our thoughts are largely out of our control, but we actually have more power than we think! What am I getting at here? Positive affirmations. During times of transition, uncertainty, stress, or change, (which, let’s be honest, we have a lot of right now), positive affirmations can offer us powerful support and help us feel more at ease.
Relative Importance in 2020 So Far Graph Joke
The most accurate graph I’ve seen during this pandemic!
Naked Truth about Covid-19 and Sheltering in Place
So we’re into our 5th month of defeating COVID-19. These words made me laugh but there’s a lot of truth mixed in to consider. . .
1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap?
2. Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.
3. When this virus thing is over with, I still want some of you to stay away from me.
4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet, particularly among politicians and bureaucrats.
5. Just wait a second – so what you’re telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right?
6. People are scared of getting fined or arrested for congregating in crowds, as if catching a deadly disease and dying a horrible death wasn’t enough of a deterrent.
7. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.
8. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me.
9. Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.
10. Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now.
11. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is.
12. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?
13. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one.
14. Did a big load of pajamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.
Breaking News Joke
BREAKING NEWS!
Women age 30-59 are most likely to carry CORONOVIRUS without symptoms!
Best course of action is to quarantine them away from men and children!
The local spas and wineries are the designated local quarantine centers.
Send women immediately!
No contact for 14 days while they live in misery here:
Hairdressers, Hair Salons, Barber Shops-Best in Milpitas
These are the best hair salons to get your hair done in Milpitas. Some also offer other beauty services, such as nails. While many offer walk-in service, it is always best to make an appointment, which often can be done online at the parlor’s website.
or here:
Beer and Wine in Milpitas
Milpitas has a couple of boutique breweries and wineries. Most have made adjustments to Covid-19 by now offering deliveries right to your home or offering scheduled pickup.
Legoland Discovery Center at Great Mall Reopening
Covid-19 Updates regarding the Lego Discovery Center at the Great Mall in Milpitas.
We are actively monitoring the situation with regards to the outbreak of COVID-19 coronavirus and are in regular contact with local health authorities. The safety and well-being of our guests and staff is our priority and we will take all necessary precautions to ensure their continued welfare. With that said, in an effort to mitigate the risk presented by the outbreak of COVID-19 and comply with mandates from local government and health authorities, we are temporarily postponing the opening of the attraction until further notice. If you have purchased advance tickets, you may use these tickets for any future date through December 31, 2020 after we officially open. For additional questions or concerns, please contact bayarea@legolanddiscoverycenter.com.
Official Merlin Entertainments Statement
We want to reassure you that LEGOLAND® Discovery Center Bay Area puts the safety and well-being of our guests and staff as the top priority. We have, and will continue to implement cleaning regimes, will offer hand sanitizing stations throughout the Center, and will follow all recommended practices and government recommended guidelines as appropriate, to maintain a safe environment. Like many businesses, we continue to monitor the situation closely and are in regular contact with local authorities so we may respond quickly to any developments. If you would like to postpone your visit, you may use your unused ticket for a future date through December 31, 2020.
Coronavirus Quarantine Travel Puns
*Oman*, I really can’t wait to *Rome* around.
*Venice* this going to get over?
You can’t say when this lockdown will be over, *Kenya*?
Quarantine has made my *Delhi* routine too boring.
I’ve been *Washington’s* of utensils.
This *Spain* is real.
Stay home, stay safe. What’s the *Russia*?
Maybe *Indore* is not such a bad place after all.
Wives are now *Cochin* their husbands in new skills (dish washing, mopping?)
At this rate, I see my savings loses *Dublin*
I’ve decided to finally wear my *New Jersey* which I’ve been storing for ages
*Mysore* throat is on account of endless Zoom chats these days.
We need all the *Lucknow* more than ever before..
I’m sorry, but *Iran* out of travel puns.
*DUBAI* your masks and gloves and wear them
Science Explained By Children
Genetics explain why you look like your father. or, if you don’t, why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one-second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it you got hit, so never mind.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.
Science – How It Works
Science may seem like it’s a strange thing — complicated, even a mystery. But really, science is all about finding out about nature and how things work, the reasons behind every-day things. So it’s more about questions and answers than anything. How? Where? Why?
What is Covonovirus? Explained to Kids by National Geographic
If you’ve been watching the news lately, chances are you’ll have heard lots about an illness that’s affecting people around the world, called coronavirus.
It’s natural to feel worried about stuff you read in the news. If you’re feeling anxious about coronavirus, talk to a trusted grown-up, like a parent, guardian or teacher about how you’re feeling. You can also find online support on the Open Minds website.