Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorites
My favorite jokes found online over the years. Some jokes given a Milpitas twist.
Jokes By Topic
- Amazing Facts
- Animal Jokes
- Computing Jokes
- Covid Jokes
- Education Jokes
- Family Life Jokes
- Holiday Jokes
- Kids Jokes
- Men’s Jokes
- Milpitas Jokes
- Money Jokes
- On the Job Jokes
- Philosophical Jokes
- Political Jokes
- Religious Jokes
- Women Jokes
Alphabetical List
Advice For Married Women: Then and Now
Just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you’d like to eat and at what time.
Women Jokes
The Addition Game – Will Muppet Win Trip to Milpitas?
Video: If Muppet Harry Monster correctly guesses what 3+1 is, he will win a trip to Milpitas, California.
Education Jokes, Milpitas Jokes
AI Tax Preparer Program
Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program.
Money Jokes
All the Urban Legends Rolled Into One
No need to read all those other urban legends, etc. ever again. Here they are, all in one.
Amazing Facts, Computing Jokes
Apartment Hunting With A Large Family
Father figures out how to get apartment even though he has a large family.
Kids, Men, Milpitas Jokes
Are we there yet?
Dr. Fauci driving SUV with lots of kids yelling, “Are we there yet?” as approaching “Normal” lane marker.
Covid-19 Jokes.
Are You Acting Too Much Like a Teacher?
Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
Education Jokes
The Art Sold, but …
An artist asked the Yolette, curator at the Community Art and History Museums, if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
Milpitas Jokes
Bad Mistakes On Resumes
“Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”
On the Job Jokes
Being A Parent
Being a parent is like being pecked to death by a duck.
Family Life Jokes
Bernie @ Milpitas City Hall
Put Bernie at your place!
Political Jokes.
Beware of Bears
The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Yosemite, Tahoe, and Northern Sierra areas.
Animal Jokes, Safety
Biggest Lies
Campaign financing has nothing to do with how I vote.
Amazing Facts
Breaking News Joke
Women age 30-59 are most likely to carry CORONOVIRUS without symptoms! The local spas and wineries are the designated local quarantine centers.
Amazing Facts, Covid-19 Jokes
Buying Swimwear
I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume.
Clothing, Women Jokes
Buzzword Bingo
My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.
On the Job Jokes
Camping With Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip in the Sunol Regional Wilderness. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”
Amazing Facts
Catholic Litany In A Pinch
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in Milpitas. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
Religious Jokes
Christmas Carol Quiz
These are the names of well-known Christmas caroles, rewritten in PC (pretty convoluted). If you like puzzles, try to decipher them.
Christmas, Holiday Jokes
Christmas Riddles
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
Christmas, Holiday Jokes
Christmas Riddles, Puns and Jokes
Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit? They both drop their needles.
Animal, Christmas, Holiday Jokes
Classes We’d Really Like To See Offered At the Community Center
Self-Improvement, Business/Career, Home Ec, Health & Fitness, Crafts
Education Jokes
Computer Problem Report Form
Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.
Computing Jokes
Coronavirus Quarantine Travel Puns
*Oman*, I really can’t wait to *Rome* around. *Venice* this going to get over? You can’t say when this lockdown will be over, *Kenya*? This *Spain* is real.
Amazing Facts, Covid-19 Jokes
Covid Advice for Geeks
COVID advice from Silicon Valley County Health Department, which has been sending out advice in many languages. Seems appropriate they also send it out in code!
Covid-19 Jokes
Covid-19 BINGO
Usual BINGO rules, with this exception: If any game player sees someone sneeze or cough without a mask and into the open air, the game is over, and the player with most boxes covered wins that round.
Covid-19 Jokes
Covid-19 is making me crack up!
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.
Covid-19, Family Life, Health, Mom Jokes
Cultural Differences Explained
This is to help my Asian American and Chicano friends better understand the differences among Anglo cultural groups.
Milpitas Jokes
Daily Affirmations to Avoid
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. Also, Affirmations for COVID-19 Anxiety.
Covid-19, Philosophical Jokes
Dating in the Time of Coronavirus
We went speed dating on Zoom and found love. You’ve seen the events announcements here for online speed dating, right? So here’s how it works for these singles.
Covid-19, Milpitas, Online Life Jokes
The Day the NASDAQ Died
A long, long week ago
I can still remember how the market used to make me smile…
Money Jokes
Densa IQ Test
You’ve heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with IQ’s of 140 and above?
Amazing Facts, Education Jokes
Determining the Height of a Tall Building
Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.
Amazing Facts
Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit
“Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!”
Religious Jokes
Educator At An Accident
An educator uses her first aid training upon coming upon a bad car accident.
Education Jokes
Educator Goes to Milpitas
A beautiful, blonde educator gets on an airplane and sits down in first class.
Education Jokes
An Engineer Calculates Santa’s Trip
No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer.
Animal Jokes, Christmas Jokes, Holiday Jokes
Equal Employment Opportunity
Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and MUST be bilingual.
On the Job Jokes
Error Dialog Haiku
Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? Solon Magazine
Computing Jokes
Everyday Maxims
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Amazing Facts Jokes
Excellent Advice I’ve Learned From Watching Scary Movies
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.
Amazing Facts Jokes
Fire at the Semiconductor Plant
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight.
Fire Department, Milpitas Jokes
Fishermen Catch A Mermaid
Three Homeschool Dads go fishing, catch a mermaid and demand their IQ’s be increased.
Men Jokes
Forgetful Poem
My forgetter’s getting better, But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but, To me, that is no joke.
Women Jokes
Fruit Cake Recipe
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Put it down somewhere. Check the whiskey again.
Christmas Jokes, Holiday Jokes
Fun Things To Do While Driving With Kids
Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
Children, Kids Jokes
God is Missing. We’re in Trouble!
If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
Kids Jokes, Religious Jokes
Greatest Baseball Player in the World
A homeschooling boy was overheard talking to himself, baseball cap in place and toting ball and bat.
Kids Jokes
Hacker Barbie®
MATTEL announces the latest in their new line of Barbie® products.
Computing Jokes
Halloween Riddles
About a 100 Halloween Riddles to tickle your Funny Bone.
Halloween, Holiday Jokes.
High Tech Church Built in Milpitas
“A church with only one pew?” asked the vicar.
Religious Jokes
Highs and Lows of Wearing Face Masks
Due to the order to wear face masks, some humorous observations have been made.
Covid-19 Jokes
Hills Meet Their Fate In Milpitas
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Silicon Valley, California; as it happens, in the Milpitas hills.
Milpitas Jokes
The History of Math Word Problems
Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?
Education Jokes
Homespun Couple Visit Harvard President
The President of Harvard made a mistake by prejudging people and it cost him dearly.
Education Jokes
Homework Policy
Long Term Assignments: These are given the night before they are due.
Education Jokes, Kids Jokes
Housework Training Courses Now Available For Men
Introduction to Common Household Objects I:
The Mop.
Men Jokes.
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?
Animal Jokes
How Many Facebook Users Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in the Go Milpitas Facebook Group?
Online Life Jokes
How many HR Staff Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
One actual HR staff member to change the light bulb.
On the Job Jokes
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Women Jokes
How Milpitans Do It
Finding Good Deals in Milpitas: Coke 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
Milpitas Jokes
How Poor We Really Are
One day a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were.
Amazing Facts Jokes, Family Life Jokes, Money Jokes, Philosophical Jokes
How to Pronounce This Place
MIL-pit-as; Mil-pit-ASS; Mil-PEET-us?
Milpitas Jokes
How We Know Santa’s Reindeer Are Female
Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Animal Jokes, Christmas Jokes, Holiday Jokes
HTML Song
You’ve got to code it in H T M L. (To the tune of “YMCA.”)
Computing Jokes
I Think Santa Claus is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it.
Christmas Jokes, Holiday Jokes
I Will Survive, Coronavirus version for teachers going online by Michael Bruening
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to zoom, I know I’ll be alive
My students still will learn
And my paychecks I will earn and I’ll survive…
Covid-19 Jokes
In Memory of Those Who Died in the Service
One Sunday morning, the pastor, Ole, noticed little Andy was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
Milpitas Jokes, Religious Jokes
In My Next Life I Want To Be A Bear
If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Animal Jokes
Installing Love
Steps to becoming a loving person described in terms of installing a computer program on a PC.
Computing Jokes
An Interview with Santa’s Lawyer
Please state your name and occupation. My name is Marta Pittman, and I’m a partner at the Law Office of Garry Barbadillo.
Christmas Jokes
Is everyone ok?
Everyone check on your friends. We have a rider down.
Halloween, Holiday Jokes
Kids Talk About God & Their Mother
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We’re related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.
Amazing Facts Jokes, Mom Jokes, Religious Jokes
Kurt Vonnegut’s Commencement Address At MIT
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’97: Wear sunscreen.
Education Jokes
The Last Page of the Internet
Thank you for visiting the End of the Internet. There are no more links.
Computing Jokes
Legoland Discovery Center at Great Mall Reopening
Covid-19 Updates regarding the Lego Discovery Center at the Great Mall in Milpitas.
Covid-19 Jokes
Letter From A Scout
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.
Kids Jokes
Letter From Santa
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced.
Christmas Jokes, Holiday Jokes.
Licking Is Totally the Same as Hand-washing, Right?
Me: Did you wash your hands? 4-year-old: No. Me: Why are your hands wet?
Covid-19 Jokes, Family Life Jokes
Litter Problem Solved
A few years ago, the City of Milpitas had a litter problem.
Living in Milpitas, Milpitas Jokes, Utilities
Look, I don’t come into your home office and tell you to get out of the tub!
Visual cartoon.
Covid-19 Jokes, Men Jokes.
Man Prays to Swap Life With His Wife
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home, so he prayed.
Men Jokes, Mom Jokes
Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
Christmas Jokes, Holiday Jokes, Women Jokes
Maxims of Old Age
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it. I run like the winded.
Men Jokes, Senior Jokes, Women Jokes.
Maxims to Share
Maxims like: When you ask me what I’m doing today, and I say “Nothing,” it does not mean I’m free. It means I’m doing nothing.
Philosophical Jokes.
Milk With A Little Coffee In It
Customer: I’d like a milk with some coffee in it.
Milpitas Jokes.
Milpitan Vacations In Rome
A Milpitan walked in to The Park Victoria Barber Shop for his regular haircut.
Milpitas Cowboy’s Guide to Life
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
Animal Jokes, Men Jokes
Milpitas High School Teacher Arrested at San Jose Airport
A Milpitas high school teacher was arrested today at Norman Y. Mineta San Jose International Airport as he attempted to board a flight…
Education Jokes.
Milpitas Role in Telecom History
Silva has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Milpitas had already gone wireless.
Computing Jokes
Mom Song Mom’s Song and Teen’s Answer
What a mom says in 24 hours, condensed into 2 minutes and 55 seconds. Sung to the William Tell Overture, by Anita Renfroe.
Women Jokes
The Mommy Test
How do mommys know all those things?
Women Jokes
Mother’s Dictionary
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Women Jokes
Mr. Nobody
I know a funny little man, as quiet as a mouse, who does the mischief that is done in everybody’s house!
Family Life Jokes
Mustard
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
Family Life Jokes
My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
Women Jokes
Naked Truth about Covid-19 and Sheltering in Place
So we’re into our 5th month of defeating COVID-19. These words made me laugh but there’s a lot of truth mixed in to consider. . .
Covid-19 Jokes
Neil Diamond vs CDC on Hands, Touching Hands
Neil Diamond: Hands,
CDC: Yes, wash them for at least 20 seconds.
Neil Diamond: touching hands,
CDC: No! Please don’t touch hands!
Covid-19 Jokes, Health, Milpitas Jokes
Next “Survivor” Show
6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids for 6 weeks.
Kids Jokes, Men Jokes, Mom Jokes
New Vocabulary Words
Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
Amazing Facts Jokes
Night Before Christmas for Mom
T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode,
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
Christmas Jokes, Family Life Jokes, Holiday Jokes, Women Jokes
No Cookies, No Candy, No Gum
Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.
Women Jokes.
Official Market Forecast
Sales and income figures show an easing up of the rate at which business is easing off.
Money Jokes
An Old Man Asks to Talk to President Trump
“I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer President…”
Political Jokes
Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died
… so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one.
Animal Jokes, Milpitas Jokes
On the Revelation of William Bennett’s Gambling Habit
Bill Bennett told a grateful nation,
‘Be moral. Just resist temptation.’
Education Jokes
Other People
Have you ever thought any of these statement ever applied to “other people” who were not like you?
Amazing Facts Jokes.
Original Trojan Horse Warning
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra–it looks legit.
Animal Jokes, Computing Jokes
The Origin Of The Internet
And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
Computing Jokes.
Painting the Porch
“How would you like to paint the porch?”
Men Jokes.
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race
…and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
Animal Jokes, Religious Jokes.
Philosophy of Life
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
Philosophical Jokes
Pie Throwing Trend in Milpitas
“… java virtual machine …” – WHAM – call the dry cleaners.
Computing Jokes.
Planning the Company Holiday Party
I’m happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue.
Holiday Jokes, Work
Pledge of Allegiance
A child’s version of the Pledge, and a link to a site about safety around fireworks.
Government, History of Milpitas, Political Jokes
Proverbs: Kids’ Versions
Better Be Safe Than . . . Punch A 5th Grader.
Kids Jokes, Religious Jokes
Put on your groaning face…. More puns.
More puns-A pun has not completely matured until it is full groan. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
Amazing Facts Jokes.
Puttin’ on the Hitz
Have you seen the well to do? Up and down Calaveras Avenue?
On that famous thoroughfare, With their noses in the air?
Milpitas Jokes
Quarantine Insights One-liners
Whose idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.
Covid-19 Jokes
A Recap of the First Three Weeks with Covid-19
AMERICA: Oh my god! Coronavirus! What should we do?
CALIFORNIA: Shut down your state.
AMERICA: Wait… what? Why?
CALIFORNIA: Because 40 million people live here and we did it early, and it’s working.
Covid-19 Jokes, Government, Health, Political Jokes
Recipe For Doing the Family Wash
Written in its original spelling for a bride a few generations ago.
Relative Importance in 2020 So Far
The most accurate graph I’ve seen during this pandemic!
Amazing Facts Jokes, Covid-19 Jokes
Retirement Through the Eyes of a Child
After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following…
Family Life Jokes, Housing, Seniors
The Ring Bearer
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.
Family Life Jokes
A Round Tuit
Are you always saying you’ll get around to it? Well, here’s a *round tuit* for you.
Philosophical Jokes
Rudolf, The Red
An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
Animal Jokes, Christmas Jokes, Holiday Jokes
Samuel Goldwyn’s Silly Quotations
“An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”
Philosophical Jokes, Play
Santa’s Prayer
The sleigh was all packed, the reindeer were fed,
But Santa still knelt by the side of the bed.
Christmas Jokes, Holiday Jokes.
Santa’s Workshop Bought By Bill Gates – 2020 Version
‘Twas the night before Christmas, When all through the house
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
Christmas Jokes, Holiday Jokes.
Science Explained By Children
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.
Amazing Facts Jokes, Covid-19 Jokes
Seven Wonders of the World
A group of Geography students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World.
Education Jokes
Short History of Medicine
I have an earache: 2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.
Amazing Facts Jokes
Signs You’ve Had Too Much Java
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
Amazing Facts Jokes
Silly Quotations: Samuel Goldwyn
“An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”
Siren Sounds
Shoe thief tries to exchange the uncomfortable shoes at Mervyns, and more incredible crimes.
Milpitas Jokes
Stop complaining! You need to keep it on.
2019 Stop complaining! You need to keep it on. It’s for your own good. 2020 Dog grins at master wearing face mask.
Animal Jokes, Covid-19 Jokes
Taking a Load of Penguins to the Zoo
Penguins get a lift to the zoo. (Links about penguins and places to see them.)
Animal Jokes
Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Family Life Jokes
There Are No Fish Under The Ice!
A blonde woman notices the popularity of ice fishing in Milpitas, and decides to try it for herself.
Sports, Women Jokes
This Sound Like City Council?
“When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, …”
Political Jokes
Thoughts for the Day
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Philosophical Jokes.
The turkey shot out of the oven
The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air, it knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.
Food, Holiday Jokes
Top 21 Signs That You Work in Milpitas
Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Milpitas Jokes, On the Job Jokes
20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
Halloween, Holiday Jokes
US Standard Railroad Gauge
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 ft 8 1/2 in (1.44 m). That’s an exceedingly odd number.
Amazing Facts Jokes
Value of Time
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who has failed his exam.
Amazing Facts Jokes
Wacky Warnings & Instructions
On a package of bread-pudding mix: Product will be hot after heating.
Amazing Facts Jokes
Ways to Confuse Trick-or-Treaters in Milpitas
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs.
Halloween, Holiday Jokes
Ways to Really Annoy Telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
Amazing Facts Jokes, Family Life Jokes
Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along
Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’, From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’, I’m happy although my boss let me go Happily addicted to the Web.
Christmas Jokes, Computing Jokes, Holiday Jokes
Were you a kid in the Fifties or so?
Everybody makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids snicker. Twenty-something’s shudder and say “Eeeew!” But was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for yourself.
Philosophical Jokes
What Does The Frog Say?
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Animal Jokes, Kids Jokes
When Riding a Dead Horse
When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
Animal Jokes, Political Jokes
Where Do Pets Come From?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer: “Where do pets come from?”
Animal Jokes, Religious Jokes
Where’s Waldo? Social Distancing Edition
When I saw the cartoon today, it made me think of how the things we took for granted as a child back then are no longer considered “SAFE.”
Covid-19 Jokes.
William Shakespeare Gets His Covid Vaccine
William Shakespeare becomes the 2nd person to receive the Pfizer-BioNTech #COVID19 vaccine (outside of a trial) in Coventry, England; jokes start.
Covid-19 Jokes.
You Know You Live in Milpitas When…
You make $120,000 a year, but can’t find a place to live.
Computing Jokes, Family Life Jokes, Men Jokes, Milpitas Jokes
You Might Teach At Middle School If…
You can converse in middle schoolese. You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt licks. You have no life from August through June.
Education Jokes, Kids Jokes
