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Painting the Porch
Daryll had been out of school for close to two years. Needless to say, he was getting pretty desperate for money. He decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhood up on the hill and look for odd jobs as a handyman. Well, the first house he came to, a man answered the door and told Daryll, “Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?” “Sure, that sounds great!” said Daryll. “Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?” said the man. “Is fifty bucks all right?” Daryll asked. “Yeah, that’s great. You’ll find all the paint and ladders you’ll…
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An Old Man Asks to Talk to President Trump
One sunny day in January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away. The following day, the same old man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine repeated, “Sir, as I told you…
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T’was 3 weeks before Christmas
Covid Jokes T’was 3 weeks before Christmas, And all through the town, People wore masks, That covered their frown. The frown had begun Way back in the Spring, When a global pandemic Changed everything. They called it corona, But unlike the beer, It didn’t bring good times, It didn’t bring cheer. Airplanes were grounded, Travel was banned. Borders were closed Across air, sea and land. As the world entered lockdown To flatten the curve, The economy halted, And folks lost their nerve. From March to July We rode the first wave, People stayed home, They tried to behave. When summer emerged The lockdown was lifted. But away from caution, Many…
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A Pastor entered his donkey in a race
Animal Jokes A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper,…
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Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along
Computing Jokes (Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”) Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’, From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’, I’m happy — although My boss let me go — Happily addicted to the Web. All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There’s beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web! Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man! Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?” With a listless shrug, I mutter; I say “No, man; I just discovered gomilpitas-dot-com!” I don’t phone, don’t send texts, Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes, Who cares if someday They drag me away?…
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Puttin’ On The Hitz
Milpitas Jokes Have you seen the well to do? Up and down Calaveras Avenue? On that famous thoroughfare, With their noses in the air? Snazzy suits and starched collars, Votes are sold for lots of dollars. Spending every dime, For a wonderful time! If you’re poor and you don’t know, Who took it, why don’t you go, Where power $its? Puttin’ On The Hitz.Different babes chased every day,They harrass, and get away,Employees with perfect tits –Puttin’ On The Hitz. Dressed up like a million dollar good-guy,Trying hard not to look a lie.Still puttin’ On The Hitz. Come, let’s mix where donors,Place their bribes as celluar-phoners,Puttin’ On The Hit$. Spangled gowns upon a beautyof hand-me-downs, on clown and…
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Santa’s Workshop Bought By Bill Gates – 2020 Version
‘Twas the night before Christmas, When all through the house The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping. The stockings were hung by the modem with care In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of computer games danced in their heads. Ghostrunner for Billy, and Control for Dan, And Disneyland Adventures for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom, To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com Which has now been re-routed to Washington State Because Santa’s workshop has been bought by Bill Gates. All the elves and reindeer have had to…
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Santa’s Prayer
The sleigh was all packed, the reindeer were fed, But Santa still knelt by the side of the bed. “Dear Father”, he prayed “Be with me tonight, There’s much work to do and my schedule is tight. I must jump in my sleigh and streak through the sky, Knowing full well that a reindeer can’t fly. I will visit each household before the first light, I’ll cover the world and all in one night. With sleigh bells a-ringing, I’ll land on each roof, Amid the soft clatter of each little hoof. To get in the house is the difficult part, So I’ll slide down the chimney of each child’s heart.…
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Letter from Santa
Santa’s Letter regarding restructuring at the North Pole Workshop. The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa’s market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for…
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How We Know Santa’s Reindeer Are Female
Animal Jokes According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring; therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer–every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen–had to be a girl. We should’ve known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.
