Generic selectors
Exact matches only
Search in title
Search in content
Post Type Selectors
Search in posts
Search in pages
event
ninja-table
location
advanced_ads

Tag: <span>Education Jokes</span>

Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorites

My favorite jokes found online over the years. Some jokes given a Milpitas twist.

Jokes By Topic

Alphabetical List

Advice For Married Women: Then and Now
Just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you’d like to eat and at what time.

The Addition Game – Will Muppet Win Trip to Milpitas?
Video: If Muppet Harry Monster correctly guesses what 3+1 is, he will win a trip to Milpitas, California.
Education Jokes, Milpitas Jokes

AI Tax Preparer Program
Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program.

All the Urban Legends Rolled Into One
No need to read all those other urban legends, etc. ever again. Here they are, all in one.
,

Apartment Hunting With A Large Family 
Father figures out how to get apartment even though he has a large family.

Are we there yet?
Dr. Fauci driving SUV with lots of kids yelling, “Are we there yet?” as approaching “Normal” lane marker.
.

Are You Acting Too Much Like a Teacher?
Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

The Art Sold, but …
An artist asked the Yolette, curator at the Community Art and History Museums, if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

Bad Mistakes On Resumes
“Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”

Being A Parent
Being a parent is like being pecked to death by a duck.

Bernie @ Milpitas City Hall
Put Bernie at your place!
.

Beware of Bears
The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Yosemite, Tahoe, and Northern Sierra areas.

Biggest Lies
Campaign financing has nothing to do with how I vote.

Breaking News Joke
Women age 30-59 are most likely to carry CORONOVIRUS without symptoms! The local spas and wineries are the designated local quarantine centers.

Buying Swimwear
I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume.
,

Buzzword Bingo
My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.

Camping With Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip in the Sunol Regional Wilderness. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”

Catholic Litany In A Pinch
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in Milpitas. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

Christmas Carol Quiz
These are the names of well-known Christmas caroles, rewritten in PC (pretty convoluted). If you like puzzles, try to decipher them.
,

Christmas Riddles 
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
,

Christmas Riddles, Puns and Jokes 
Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit? They both drop their needles.
, ,

Classes We’d Really Like To See Offered At the Community Center
Self-Improvement, Business/Career, Home Ec, Health & Fitness, Crafts

Computer Problem Report Form
Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.

Coronavirus Quarantine Travel Puns
*Oman*, I really can’t wait to *Rome* around. *Venice* this going to get over? You can’t say when this lockdown will be over, *Kenya*? This *Spain* is real.

Covid Advice for Geeks
COVID advice from Silicon Valley County Health Department, which has been sending out advice in many languages. Seems appropriate they also send it out in code!

Covid-19 BINGO
Usual BINGO rules, with this exception: If any game player sees someone sneeze or cough without a mask and into the open air, the game is over, and the player with most boxes covered wins that round.

Covid-19 is making me crack up!
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

Cultural Differences Explained
This is to help my Asian American and Chicano friends better understand the differences among Anglo cultural groups.

Daily Affirmations to Avoid
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. Also, Affirmations for COVID-19 Anxiety.

Dating in the Time of Coronavirus
We went speed dating on Zoom and found love. You’ve seen the events announcements here for online speed dating, right? So here’s how it works for these singles.
, ,

The Day the NASDAQ Died
A long, long week ago
I can still remember how the market used to make me smile…

Densa IQ Test
You’ve heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with IQ’s of 140 and above?

Determining the Height of a Tall Building
Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.

Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit 
“Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!”

Educator At An Accident
An educator uses her first aid training upon coming upon a bad car accident.

Educator Goes to Milpitas
A beautiful, blonde educator gets on an airplane and sits down in first class.

An Engineer Calculates Santa’s Trip
No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer.
, ,

Equal Employment Opportunity
Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and MUST be bilingual.

Error Dialog Haiku
Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? Solon Magazine

Everyday Maxims
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Excellent Advice I’ve Learned From Watching Scary Movies 
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

Fire at the Semiconductor Plant 
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight.
,

Fishermen Catch A Mermaid
Three Homeschool Dads go fishing, catch a mermaid and demand their IQ’s be increased.

Forgetful Poem
My forgetter’s getting better, But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but, To me, that is no joke.

Fruit Cake Recipe
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Put it down somewhere. Check the whiskey again.
,

Fun Things To Do While Driving With Kids
Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.

God is Missing. We’re in Trouble! 
If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are  probably involved.
,

Greatest Baseball Player in the World
A homeschooling boy was overheard talking to himself, baseball cap in place and toting ball and bat.

Hacker Barbie®
MATTEL announces the latest in their new line of Barbie® products.

Halloween Riddles
About a 100 Halloween Riddles to tickle your Funny Bone.
, .

High Tech Church Built in Milpitas
“A church with only one pew?” asked the vicar.

Highs and Lows of Wearing Face Masks
Due to the order to wear face masks, some humorous observations have been made.

Hills Meet Their Fate In Milpitas
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Silicon Valley, California; as it happens, in the Milpitas hills.

The History of Math Word Problems
Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Homespun Couple Visit Harvard President
The President of Harvard made a mistake by prejudging people and it cost him dearly.

Homework Policy
Long Term Assignments: These are given the night before they are due.
,

Housework Training Courses Now Available For Men
Introduction to Common Household Objects I:
The Mop.
.

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

How Many Facebook Users Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in the Go Milpitas Facebook Group?
Online Life Jokes

How many HR Staff Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
One actual HR staff member to change the light bulb.

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

How Milpitans Do It
Finding Good Deals in Milpitas: Coke 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

How Poor We Really Are
One day a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were.

How to Pronounce This Place
MIL-pit-as; Mil-pit-ASS; Mil-PEET-us?

How We Know Santa’s Reindeer Are Female
Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
, ,

HTML Song
You’ve got to code it in H T M L. (To the tune of “YMCA.”)

I Think Santa Claus is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it.
,

I Will Survive, Coronavirus version for teachers going online by Michael Bruening
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to zoom, I know I’ll be alive
My students still will learn
And my paychecks I will earn and I’ll survive…

In Memory of Those Who Died in the Service
One Sunday morning, the pastor, Ole, noticed little Andy was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
,

In My Next Life I Want To Be A Bear
If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Installing Love
Steps to becoming a loving person described in terms of installing a computer program on a PC.

An Interview with Santa’s Lawyer
Please state your name and occupation. My name is Marta Pittman, and I’m a partner at the Law Office of Garry Barbadillo.

Is everyone ok?
Everyone check on your friends. We have a rider down.
,

Kids Talk About God & Their Mother 
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We’re related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

Kurt Vonnegut’s Commencement Address At MIT
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’97: Wear sunscreen.

The Last Page of the Internet
Thank you for visiting the End of the Internet. There are no more links.

Legoland Discovery Center at Great Mall Reopening
Covid-19 Updates regarding the Lego Discovery Center at the Great Mall in Milpitas.

Letter From A Scout
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.

Letter From Santa
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced.
, .

Licking Is Totally the Same as Hand-washing, Right?
Me: Did you wash your hands? 4-year-old: No. Me: Why are your hands wet?
,

Litter Problem Solved
A few years ago, the City of Milpitas had a litter problem.

Look, I don’t come into your home office and tell you to get out of the tub!
Visual cartoon.
, .

Man Prays to Swap Life With His Wife
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home, so he prayed.
,

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
, ,

Maxims of Old Age
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it. I run like the winded.
, , .

Maxims to Share
Maxims like: When you ask me what I’m doing today, and I say “Nothing,” it does not mean I’m free. It means I’m doing nothing.
.

Milk With A Little Coffee In It
Customer: I’d like a milk with some coffee in it.
.

Milpitan Vacations In Rome
A Milpitan walked in to The Park Victoria Barber Shop for his regular haircut.

Milpitas Cowboy’s Guide to Life
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
,

Milpitas High School Teacher Arrested at San Jose Airport
A Milpitas high school teacher was arrested today at Norman Y. Mineta San Jose International Airport as he attempted to board a flight…
.

Milpitas Role in Telecom History
Silva has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Milpitas had already gone wireless.
Computing Jokes

Mom Song Mom’s Song and Teen’s Answer
What a mom says in 24 hours, condensed into 2 minutes and 55 seconds. Sung to the William Tell Overture, by Anita Renfroe.

The Mommy Test
How do mommys know all those things?

Mother’s Dictionary
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Mr. Nobody
I know a funny little man, as quiet as a mouse, who does the mischief that is done in everybody’s house!

Mustard
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

Naked Truth about Covid-19 and Sheltering in Place
So we’re into our 5th month of defeating COVID-19. These words made me laugh but there’s a lot of truth mixed in to consider. . .

Neil Diamond vs CDC on Hands, Touching Hands
Neil Diamond: Hands,
CDC: Yes, wash them for at least 20 seconds.
Neil Diamond: touching hands,
CDC: No! Please don’t touch hands!
, ,

Next “Survivor” Show
6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids for 6 weeks.
, ,

New Vocabulary Words
Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Night Before Christmas for Mom
T’was the night before Christmas, in a Milpitas abode,
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.

No Cookies, No Candy, No Gum 
Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.
.

Official Market Forecast
Sales and income figures show an easing up of the rate at which business is easing off.

An Old Man Asks to Talk to President Trump
“I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer President…”

Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died
… so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one.

On the Revelation of William Bennett’s Gambling Habit
Bill Bennett told a grateful nation,
‘Be moral. Just resist temptation.’

Other People
Have you ever thought any of these statement ever applied to “other people” who were not like you?
.

Original Trojan Horse Warning
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra–it looks legit.
,

The Origin Of The Internet
And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
.

Painting the Porch
“How would you like to paint the porch?”
.

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race
…and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
, .

Philosophy of Life
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
Philosophical Jokes

Pie Throwing Trend in Milpitas
“… java virtual machine …” – WHAM – call the dry cleaners.
.

Planning the Company Holiday Party 
I’m happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue.
,

Pledge of Allegiance
A child’s version of the Pledge, and a link to a site about safety around fireworks.
, ,

Proverbs: Kids’ Versions
Better Be Safe Than . . . Punch A 5th Grader.
,

Put on your groaning face…. More puns.
More puns-A pun has not completely matured until it is full groan. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
.

Puttin’ on the Hitz
Have you seen the well to do? Up and down Calaveras Avenue?
On that famous thoroughfare, With their noses in the air?

Quarantine Insights One-liners
Whose idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.

A Recap of the First Three Weeks with Covid-19
AMERICA: Oh my god! Coronavirus! What should we do?
CALIFORNIA: Shut down your state.
AMERICA: Wait… what? Why?
CALIFORNIA: Because 40 million people live here and we did it early, and it’s working.
, , ,

Recipe For Doing the Family Wash 
Written in its original spelling for a bride a few generations ago.

Relative Importance in 2020 So Far
The most accurate graph I’ve seen during this pandemic!

Retirement Through the Eyes of a Child
After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following…
, ,

The Ring Bearer
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.

A Round Tuit
Are you always saying you’ll get around to it? Well, here’s a *round tuit* for you.

Rudolf, The Red
An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
, ,

Samuel Goldwyn’s Silly Quotations
“An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”

Santa’s Prayer
The sleigh was all packed, the reindeer were fed,
But Santa still knelt by the side of the bed.
, .

Santa’s Workshop Bought By Bill Gates – 2020 Version
‘Twas the night before Christmas, When all through the house
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
, .

Science Explained By Children 
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.
,

Seven Wonders of the World
A group of Geography students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World.

Short History of Medicine
I have an earache: 2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Java
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

Silly Quotations: Samuel Goldwyn
“An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”

Siren Sounds
Shoe thief tries to exchange the uncomfortable shoes at Mervyns, and more incredible crimes.

Stop complaining! You need to keep it on.
2019 Stop complaining! You need to keep it on. It’s for your own good. 2020 Dog grins at master wearing face mask.
,

Taking a Load of Penguins to the Zoo
Penguins get a lift to the zoo. (Links about penguins and places to see them.)

Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter 
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

There Are No Fish Under The Ice!
A blonde woman notices the popularity of ice fishing in Milpitas, and decides to try it for herself.

This Sound Like City Council?
“When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, …”

Thoughts for the Day
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
.

The turkey shot out of the oven
The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air, it knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.
,

Top 21 Signs That You Work in Milpitas
Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Milpitas Jokes, On the Job Jokes

20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
,

US Standard Railroad Gauge
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 ft 8 1/2 in (1.44 m). That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Value of Time
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who has failed his exam.

Wacky Warnings & Instructions
On a package of bread-pudding mix: Product will be hot after heating.

Ways to Confuse Trick-or-Treaters in Milpitas
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs.
,

Ways to Really Annoy Telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along
Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’, From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’, I’m happy although my boss let me go Happily addicted to the Web.
, ,

Were you a kid in the Fifties or so?
Everybody makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids snicker. Twenty-something’s shudder and say “Eeeew!” But was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for yourself.
Philosophical Jokes

What Does The Frog Say?
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
,

When Riding a Dead Horse
When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
,

Where Do Pets Come From?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer: “Where do pets come from?”
,

Where’s Waldo? Social Distancing Edition
When I saw the cartoon today, it made me think of how the things we took for granted as a child back then are no longer considered “SAFE.”
.

William Shakespeare Gets His Covid Vaccine
William Shakespeare becomes the 2nd person to receive the Pfizer-BioNTech #COVID19 vaccine (outside of a trial) in Coventry, England; jokes start.
.

You Know You Live in Milpitas When…
You make $120,000 a year, but can’t find a place to live.
, , ,

You Might Teach At Middle School If…
You can converse in middle schoolese. You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt licks. You have no life from August through June.
,

The Addition Game – Will Muppet Win Trip to Milpitas?

If Muppet Harry Monster correctly guesses what 3+1 is, he will win a trip to Milpitas, California.

In another episode, one of the Muppets correctly guesses 3+2, and wins a three-day, two-night, all expense paid trip to Milpitas, California. Still looking for that one.

Education Jokes – Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

The Addition Game – Will Muppet Win Trip to Milpitas?
Video: If Muppet Harry Monster correctly guesses what 3+1 is, he will win a trip to Milpitas, California.

Are You Acting Too Much Like a Teacher?
Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

Bad Mistakes On Resumes
“Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”

Classes We’d Really Like To See Offered At the Community Center
Self-Improvement, Business/Career, Home Ec, Health & Fitness, Crafts

Densa IQ Test
You’ve heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with IQ’s of 140 and above?

Educator At An Accident
An educator uses her first aid training upon coming upon a bad car accident.

Educator Goes to Milpitas
A beautiful, blonde educator gets on an airplane and sits down in first class.

Excellent Advice I’ve Learned From Watching Scary Movies
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

The History of Math Word Problems
Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Homespun Couple Visit Harvard President
The President of Harvard made a mistake by prejudging people and it cost him dearly.

Homework Policy
Long Term Assignments: These are given the night before they are due.

Kurt Vonnegut’s Commencement Address At MIT
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’97: Wear sunscreen.

Milpitas High School Teacher Arrested at San Jose Airport
A Milpitas high school teacher was arrested today at Norman Y. Mineta San Jose International Airport as he attempted to board a flight.

On the Revelation of William Bennett’s Gambling Habit
Bill Bennett told a grateful nation,
‘Be moral. Just resist temptation.’

Seven Wonders of the World
A group of Geography students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World.

You Might Teach At Middle School If…
You can converse in middle schoolese.

Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Jokes

Milpitas High School Teacher Arrested at San Jose Airport

A Milpitas high school teacher was arrested today at Norman Y. Mineta San Jose International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Mayor Rich Tran said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. Al-Gebra is a terrorist movement headed by Osum Bin Adden, which has reportedly infiltrated American schools. It began at the undergraduate level and has spread to secondary schools, according to US Attorney General John Ashcroft. Favored targets are said to include homomorphics and people living in polynomial relationships. Academics dismiss the Ashcroft’s accusations as pandering to the lowest common denominator of anti-Arab prejudice.

He did not identify the Milpitas high school teacher, who has been charged by the Milpitas Police with carrying weapons of math instruction.

‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Mayor said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns”; but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every triangle.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, Mayor Tran said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

Fellow Milpitas Council Members told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by any Milpitas Mayor.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke

Densa IQ Test

Amazing Facts

You’ve heard of MENSA the group for geniuses with IQ’s of 140 and above? Well this test is similar, it’s from DENSA and it’s a lot more fun.

Here’s the quiz with the answers.

Do they have a 4th of July in England? Yes/No
Answer ___ Yes___

How many birthdays does the average man have?
Answer _1, Just one!_

Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
Answer _12, all of them!_

How many outs are there in an inning?
Answer_6, three per side!_

Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister? Yes/No
Answer _No – because he is dead!_

Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
Answer _70, (30 divided by 1/2 equals 60!)_

If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
Answer _2, you took them, remember?_

A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half an hour. How many minutes would the pills last?
Answer _60. Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd._

A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
Answer _9 (If 8 out of 17 die, all but 9 die, eh?)_

How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
Answer _Zero … it wasn’t Moses … it was Noah_

A clerk in the butcher shop is 5′ 10″ tall. What does he weigh?
Answer _Meat, a butcher weighs meat!_

How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
Answer _12. There are 12-2cent stamps in a dozen!_

A plane crashes on the Canadian – US border. In which country do you bury the survivors?
Answer _The survivors would probably rather wait until they die to be buried!_

What is the least amount of coins it takes to make 55 cents if one of the coins is a quarter?
Answer _Three coins. One is a quarter, the other is a quarter and also a nickel._

Stupidity Certificate
Get them all wrong? Here’s your Stupidity Certificate!

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke

An Educator Goes to Milpitas

A beautiful, blond educator gets on an airplane and sits down in first class. The stewardess notices her ticket is for the coach section so she approaches the educator and asks her to move back to the coach section.

The educator replies, “I’m educated and I’m beautiful and I’m going to Milpitas.”

The stewardess explains, “That’s fine m’am, but you did not pay for a first class ticket and I need to ask you to move to your assigned seat in the coach section.”

The educator again replies with a big smile, “I’m educated and I’m beautiful and I’m going to Milpitas.”

The stewardess again tries to explain by saying, “I understand, however, someone else is going to need this seat so I need to ask you to please move back to your seat.”

Again, the educator smiles and responds, “I’m educated and I’m beautiful and I’m going to Milpitas.”

Completely frustrated the stewardess goes to the captain and explains the problem.

The captain goes to the first class section, bends over, and whispers something in the educator’s ear. The educator jumps up, runs back, and sits in her assigned seat. The stewardess looks at the captain and asks him what he told the woman.

He replies, “I told her first class doesn’t go to Milpitas.”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

I Will Survive, Coronavirus version for teachers going online

Covid Jokes

Lyrics by Michael Bruening

View video here.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never teach through Canvas all the time
But then I spent so many nights reading the help docs for so long
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along

And so I’m back
Students are gone
As all my colleagues try to figure out how they’re gonna get along
I should have kept up with the tech, not skipped that class on course design
If I’d known for just one second I’d be teaching all-online
Go on now, go, leave me alone
I’ve got to figure out
Just how to lecture using Panopto
You gave me two days to adjust, to move everything online
Did you think I’d crumble
Did you think I’d lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to Zoom, I know I’ll be alive
Oh, my students still will learn
And my paychecks I will earn, and I’ll survive
I will survive, hey, hey

It took all the strength I had not to lay down and die
Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my syllabi
And I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high and you’ll see me
Teaching on zoom
But just don’t cough into the mic or every eye will be on you
I can’t hear you, you’re on mute, your camera’s black, are you still there?
We’ve got some glitches to work out, but I know my grading scheme is fair
Oh now, go, walk out the door
Trying to get this lecture done
And I’m already on take four
Now the network has gone down, and I’m all out of wine
Do you think I’ll crumble
Do you think I’ll lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to zoom, I know I’ll be alive
My students still will learn
And my paychecks I will earn and I’ll survive
I will survive
Hey hey

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

On the Revelation of William Bennett’s Gambling Habit

Political Jokes

Political Jokes

by Calvin Trillin

Bill Bennett told a grateful nation,
‘Be moral. Just resist temptation.’
By windbag airing of this thesis,
Bill Bennett got as rich as Croesus.
His preaching sold in wholesale lots,
While he dropped millions at the slots.
But here’s a thought to ease his pains:
He only lost ill-gotten gains

Bad Bet by Bill Bennett
By Michael Kinsley
Washington Post
Bennett has been exposed as a humbug artist who ought to be pelted off the public stage if he lacks the decency to slink quietly away as he is constantly calling on others to do. Although it may be impossible for anyone famous to become permanently discredited in American culture (a Bennett-like point I agree with), Bennett clearly deserves that distinction.

Bill Bennett Said to Be Big Gambler
Former Secretary of Education William J. Bennett, whose books and speeches espousing traditional virtues have made him rich and famous, is a high-stakes casino gambler, according to reports published Friday. LA Times.

Despising Virtue
The reasons Alter and Green went after William F. Bennett are clear: 1. Bennett is a high-profile Republican and supporter of the president; 2. He’s at odds with the National Education Administration (NEA) from his stint as Education Secretary under Ronald Reagan and also for his K12 initiative which seeks to give parents and kids high-tech internet tools to succeed, thus threatening the NEA’s current education monopoly; 3. He was U.S. Drug Czar and articulated boldly against the legalization of drugs; 4. He has promoted heterosexuality and pointed out the danger of the homosexual life; and most recently 5. He has blasted the anti-freedom critics of our war with Iraq with clear, common-sense observations: “Those who march against the U.S. and the U.K. today, those who condemn Bush and Blair and remain silent when it comes to Hussein, are in league with the wolf’s view that the shepherds are destroying liberty.”

William Bennett was simply too rational, too articulate, too moral, for liberals to take. And they blew.

Highlights & Quotes
William Bennett, a self-appointed moral compass for America, has been a key right-wing player for decades. He is the founder of a string of advocacy groups that promote conservative social policies and hawkish foreign policies, including Americans For Victory over Terrorism and Empower America.

K12 – About Us
William J. Bennett, along with other leaders who are passionate about education, founded K12 in 1999. The goal was to create an excellent, traditional program in education-one that would empower parents to be effective teachers and empower students to explore the world around them thoughtfully.

Bennett to Offer K-12 Education Over Internet
CNSNews.com
Friday, Dec. 29, 2000
Former U.S. Education Secretary Bill Bennett has begun an online private school for students in kindergarten through the 12th grade.

The school is designed to target a growing market of home-educated children. It has already drawn criticism from the leftist American Federation of Teachers, one of the nation’s largest teacher unions.

Bennett’s school is being financed with $10 million from a group of investors that includes one-time junk bond king Michael Milken. The school will offer the “back to basics” education that Bennett has long espoused, such as phonics, mathematics and civics lessons.

Hey, Let’s Put Those Kids to Work!
Grand pronouncements were the order of the day. Bennett chest-thumped that the school, imaginatively named K12, would enroll 100,000 students by 2005. The media trotted out their own big numbers, with the Wall Street Journal quoting the customary stats on the multi-billion-dollar value of the electronic-learning market ($6.9 billion, to be exact). Bennett’s plan? To score a chunk of that market using home-schooled tykes. According to outlets, ground zero for the school’s marketing will be Christian fundamentalists teaching their wee ones at home – a group warm to Bennett’s own conservative ways. When K12 opens for business next fall – oops, we mean classes – its fees will range from $25 for skill tests to $2,000 for full lesson plans and software for a year, the AP reported. That’s one-third of what public schools spend per pupil, Bennett bragged to reporters. How can it be so cheap? For one thing, there won’t be any pesky teachers to pay. The Journal noted that K12 would do without teachers in the early grades except where required by state laws.

Vote on vouchers a virtual letdown<
The idea of virtual schools attracted momentum in Florida because of pressure on lawmakers to reduce class sizes and nudges from two companies prepared to profit. Bennett discussed the concept in a meeting with Gov. Jeb Bush about two years ago. A K12 executive came to Florida this spring to meet with state Rep. Joe Pickens, R-Palatka, who sees the $4.8-million project as a way for students to expand learning opportunities.

“We’re here from the government, and we’re here to help:”
California Virtual Academy(Using Bill Bennett’s K12 Curriculum)
The presentation looks very interesting until you realize that this is REAL life we’re living. Trying to get it all done (the number of hours they require of a student), while allowing for vacations, occasional time off for “real life,” etc., would be a definite challenge, especially for those who have large families. By Mary Leggewie.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Homespun Couple Visit Harvard President

The President of Harvard made a mistake by prejudging people and it cost him dearly.

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the president’s outer office. The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn’t even deserve to be in Cambridge. She frowned.

“We want to see the president,” the man said softly.

“He’ll be busy all day,” the secretary snapped.

“We’ll wait,” the lady replied.

For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn’t. The secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even thought it was a chore she always regretted to do.

“Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they’ll leave,” she told him. He sighed in exasperation and nodded.

Someone of his importance obviously didn’t have the time to spend with them. He detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple.

The lady told him, “We had a son that attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. About a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus.”

The president wasn’t touched he was shocked. “Madam,” he said gruffly, “We can’t put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery.”

“Oh, no,” the lady explained quickly, “We don’t want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard.”

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, “A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard.”

For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now.

The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, “Is that all is costs to start a University? Why don’t we just start our own?”

Her husband nodded. The president’s face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.

Educator At An Accident

“How come you’re late?” asks the principal as the teacher walks in the door of Milpitas High School.

“It was awful,” she explains. “I was walking down Escuela Parkway and there was this terrible accident. A student was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute.”

“What did you do?” asks the principal.

“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”

A Milpitas Mom’s Favorite Joke.